


This can't be love

by slushmucky



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Explicit Sexual Content, Heavy Angst, M/M, Temporary Character Death, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2020-10-20 02:01:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 52,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20667470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slushmucky/pseuds/slushmucky
Summary: Dean has felt this attraction, this arousal so many times over the years. But what happens when Cas is showing signs of feeling the same way? But Dean can't let it happen, he can't go there with his best friend. Feelings - they are a dangerous thing. Dean doesn't love the angel, there's no way that's possible. It can't happen. Could never happen. This can't be love! Very Angsty. Multi-chapter.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay here's my second story. 
> 
> This will have very explicit sex scenes in future chapters, I will put warnings at the start of each chapter that holds that explicit content.
> 
> Please comment, they mean the world to me. I would love to hear what you think. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.

A tingle ran up and down his spine, goosebumps travelled across his flesh as he looked into those bright blue eyes. His cock twitched in his pants and a delicious feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. 

This wasn't the first time he'd felt like this. It had been years. Every time he caught sight of those eyes, every time he saw that small, crooked smile, every time he felt that warm enticing touch. This wasn't a foreign feeling to Dean Winchester. Not where Castiel, angel of the lord, was concerned. But all be damned, he wasn't going to indulge in these feelings. Just like all those other times, he pushed the feeling down, somewhere deep. He couldn't feel this arousal, not towards him. Never towards him. This wasn't something he could act on. It wasn't that he was a man. It would never be because of that. This was his best friend. The only best friend he's ever had and he couldn't ruin that. 

This feeling, it was just sexual attraction, that's all. There were no feelings involved. And Dean knew that if he was ever going to cross that line, he needed to have feelings as well. But he didn't have them. Would probably never have them. He wasn't the type to just fall in love easily. This isn't love. It's as far away from love as it could possibly get.

Even if he was willing to go there with the dude, he didn't think Cas would feel that inexplicable pull like Dean did. Cas has never looked at him like he wanted to devour him, has never looked at him like he wanted to ravish him. Cas didn't feel that sexual attraction. Dean was most definitely okay with that. Would always be okay with that, he hoped.

He watched as Cas looked away and settled those amazing blue eyes on Sam. Instantly Dean felt himself returning back to some semblance of normality. He was no longer feeling like his heart was about to break free. He could finally breath, could finally suck in a deep, steadying breath. 

“Still no luck, Cas?” Sam voice was soft and gentle. Dean rolled his eyes at it. Why did Sam always do that? Why did he have to make everything such a big fucking deal? Just ask the question like a normal person, that's all he needed to do. 

“No,” Cas's gruff voice reverberated through Dean's chest, making him wonder what that voice would sound like while Cas gave him immense pleasure. He shook those thoughts from his head. Now was not the time. “Kelly seems to have disappeared completely.” His voice was sad and tired and Dean wanted nothing more than to go to him and just take it all away, even if for a little while. 

“Do you want some help?” Sam asked. 

“No, thank you, Sam. I'm sure she'll turn up… eventually.” 

“We don't mind, Cas,” Dean added. His voice croaked from the bottled up arousal. He cursed himself internally. Could he be any more obvious? He glanced at his brother. He hadn't noticed and neither had Cas, so it appeared. 

“It's fine, Dean. I could do with a break, if I'm honest. I've been working on this non-stop. Do you need any help?”

“Actually, if it's a distraction you want...” Sam piped up, turning his laptop around so Cas and Dean could see it better. “There seems to be a case, a couple of hours away. I'm guessing a demon.” 

Dean nodded. “Let's go.” 

He walked away without another look in Cas's direction. This was not good. He couldn't go on a hunt with him. These feelings only stirred when he was around him and now he was going to be staying in a fucking motel room with the guy. Just perfect. But if he refused his assistance then both Cas and his brother would know something was up and that was just too risky. Nobody could know about his perverted thoughts. 

It took three hours in total to get to the motel. The car had been painfully quiet. Sam had been researching and Cas, well Cas was watching him. He could feel that piercing gaze burning through the back of his head and he wondered what the hell the angel had been thinking about. Perhaps he had figured out that something was going on with him. Dean hoped not. He'd learnt to hide this attraction, it had taken years of practice, but he had finally found a way to hide it all.

They pulled into the motel car park and Dean jumped out, needing some distance between him and… everyone. He rushed to the reception area and booked a room. The woman behind the counter was hot and she kept flirting with him. He loved the attention, revelling in it as it offered a welcoming distraction. With the keys in hand, he turned and almost collided with a warm body. He let out a startled cry and blinked into those gorgeous blue eyes. He was stood too close. Way too close. Dean gulped and licked his now dry lips. He watched as Cas followed the movement, his eyes narrowing slightly. What the fuck?

“C-Cas?” 

“Sam wanted to know if you wanted something to eat?” Cas's voice was low and gravelly, it went straight to his cock. 

“Uh, yeah, that would be great.” His own voice was barely a whisper. The vulnerability in his voice was excruciating to his ears. 

Cas nodded. He turned and walked away, his trench coat billowing behind him and the door slammed shut. Dean was frozen, his heart still beating erratically and his breaths coming short and fast. What the hell had that been? Never before had Cas ever… No, he wasn't going to finish that thought. There was just no way it was possible. With a shake of his head, he walked out into the warm sunshine. His brother was no where in sight. His gaze caught sight of Cas leaning against the Impala and his breath caught. His arms were crossed, staring at the floor. He looked so sexy like that and Dean couldn't help but think about bending him over the hood of the car. But then he caught sight of the frown on his features and Dean's heart constricted painfully. Was Cas thinking about what had happened just now? Or was he just trying to figure this thing out with Kelly? 

Cautiously he closed the distance between them. “Cas? You okay?” 

Cas's head snapped up and his eyes narrowed with… anger? Frustration? Dean took an involuntary step backwards at the power of them. Cas pushed away from the car, dropping his hands. He closed the distance between them, his eyes never leaving Dean's. Dean couldn't breath, couldn't think. His palms grew sweaty and he had to hold back from wiping them on his pants. Cas tilted his head to the side. 

After a few moments, the angel shook his head and took a step back. “I'm fine, Dean,” he sighed, reaching down to take the keys. Dean's hand jolted as the electricity hit his skin, tingling up his arm as Cas's fingers brushed his. He sucked in a sharp breath, looking down at their touching hands. When he looked back up at Cas, he noticed Cas was staring with so much need and want that Dean stumbled back from the force of it. No, he couldn't believe it. Cas didn't want him that way. He was an angel for Christ's sake. Dean watched as pain flared in those amazing eyes and Dean's heart constricted again. What the fuck? He shouldn't feel bad for that. This, whatever this was, was dangerous territory. 

As he watched Cas walk away, he tried to put his broken thoughts back together again. Why was Cas hurt? Why did he feel that pain in his chest at the sight of it? He tried to reason with himself it was because Cas was his best friend. He cared about the dude, so sue him. What he'd been feeling for years was just a sexual attraction, nothing more, nothing less. 

After a few moments, he followed the angel to the motel room. 

SUPERNATURAL

The food was delicious. Dean hummed around the first bite into his burger. Then he hummed again as he chewed the mouthful, his eyes widening appreciatively. He savoured the taste of the beef, the cheese, the bacon and the sauce. When he finally swallowed, he darted his tongue out and licked his lower lip. His eyes darted to his brother. His brother was watching him with such disgust that it made Dean chuckle. He took another bite of his burger, hummed again, savoured the taste again and swallowed again, his eyes not leaving his brothers. Sam rolled his eyes and continued to eat his salad. Dean darted his eyes to Cas as his tongue licked his lip again. 

His blood ran cold, freezing him in mid-action. Cas's eyes were wide. His mouth was open slightly, as though he was trying to accommodate some extra breaths. As Dean stared into Cas's eyes, what he saw there scared him to his very core. They were heated and lust filled. His heart beat sped up as the thought of devouring the angel's mouth popped into his head. The thought was loud as it rattled inside his head. He could picture Cas's humming with arousal as Dean took what he wanted. 

Instantly his appetite vanished. He placed his burger down and pushed it away, groaning inwardly. That had been a really good burger. “Dean? You okay?”

Dean looked over at his brother, concern filling his eyes and his mouth sat in a tight line as he waited for an answer. What could he tell his brother? He lusted after an angel? A man? That the same angel, same man, seemed to be lusting after him, too? Yeah, because that would go down well. Dean nodded. “Just need to use the bathroom.” 

He stood on shaky legs, silently praying that neither of the two men saw him sway slightly. As quickly as he could, he darted towards the bathroom, slamming it behind him and locking the bolt in place. Slowly he backed up until his legs caught the toilet. Finally, his legs gave out and he slumped onto the seat. Sighing, he ran a shaky hand through his hair. Cas didn't think of him that way. Whatever he had seen in Cas's eyes, he was wrong. He had to be. 

But that look. It had brought Dean to a heightened arousal, more so than anything he'd ever felt before, including with those filthy thoughts of his. He groaned to the silence of the bathroom. What the fuck is going on? This wasn't normal, nothing about this was normal. 

A pounding on the door made Dean jump slightly. “Everything okay, Dean?” his brother's voice sounded muffled and concerned. 

“Yeah, be out in a minute.” His voice sounded shaky and he cursed himself for the billionth time that day. 

“Okay, well I think I found where the demon might be hiding. We should check it out.” What? How long had he been sitting there for?

Dean stood, his legs no longer shaky, thank God. He moved to the door and inhaled a steadying breath. He could do this. Opening it, he found his brother was already gathering their weapons. Cas was stood by the motel door. Dean instantly looked away and tried to concentrate on getting his own weapon. He knew what he needed to do to get through this. He needed to pretend the angel wasn't even there. He could do that. Course he could. Dodging things, feelings, was what he was good at. He was the master of it. But as they all shuffled out of the room and over to the Impala, he found it more and more difficult to ignore the guy. His presence was just so there. All he needed to do was reach out and brush his fingers against him. No, he couldn't. His fingers twitched and he fisted them. 

This was going to be one long hunt. That he was sure of. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

There hadn't been just one demon. There had been three. Three fucking demons. 

Dean yelped as he was thrown against the warehouse wall. His back colliding with the concrete. After he dropped to the floor, he allowed a groan to escape. Looking up, he caught sight of his brother, knocked out. There was only one demon left. The other two lay motionless mere feet away. The last demon rushed towards him, his black eyes gleaming at him, excitement evident in them. He tried to move. But his whole body hurt. The demon grabbed his jacket, twisted him around, about to punch him. This was it. This was the end. Where the hell was Cas? 

As though someone had heard his thoughts, a flash of blinding white light flooded his sight and he instantly closed his eyes against it. When he opened them again, the demon was dead on the floor to the side of him and Cas was stood there, fists clenched at his sides, his blue eyes were dark with hatred and fury. Dean gulped and stood on his shaky legs, groaning inwardly as his body protested against the movement. As he watched Cas eyeing the demon, his cock twitched in his pants. If that hadn't been the most hottest thing he'd ever seen. But he had seen it before, plenty of times, and each time it had the same effect on him.

Before his brain could catch up, he lurched forward, grabbing the angels trench coat and pressed his lips to Cas's. He had no idea why this time was different, maybe it was because of the way Cas looked at him earlier, or maybe it was just the pressure of trying to hide his attraction. He didn't know. All he knew was that he wanted this so badly, to feel those amazing lips against his. Cas's lips were soft and Dean moaned when Cas gasped in surprise. He darted his tongue inside his mouth, tasting him. God, he tasted euphoric. His cock twitched at the anticipation of what this could mean. His heart was threatening to beat its way out of his chest as he slid his mouth across Cas's, but… but Cas wasn't responding. 

His brain finally caught up to what was happening. Shit. He was kissing his best friend. Shit. He pulled back, letting go of the angel. Cas's eyes were full of confusion, his mouth hung open. Dean couldn't breath. What the fuck did he do that for? 

He dropped his eyes, not able to look into Cas's blue ones any longer. He frowned. Then he remembered Sam. Sam was unconscious. He ran over to his brother and shook him. No response. “Cas? A little help here.” When there was no response he looked over at the angel. He stood in the same spot, same position. The only thing that was different was his hand was hovering over his mouth. 

Dean gulped past the lump in his throat. He dreaded to think what Cas was thinking right now. But he couldn't focus on that, not at the moment. He can have this crisis later when they were finally back at the bunker. “Cas?” he yelled. 

Cas jumped slightly, dropping his hand, turning on the spot to face Dean. When his eyes caught sight of Sam, realisation hit. He lurched forward and crouched down next to Dean. His hand glowed as he healed him. 

“He'll be fine. Might take him a while to wake, but...”

Dean nodded, feeling those amazing blue eyes burn into the side of his face. He knew what was going to come next. He knew Cas probably had a million questions, questions Dean couldn't answer, questions Dean had no answer for. He tried to ignore it, tried to ignore the way he was just staring at him. But the urge, the pull, to look, was too strong. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cas bite his bottom lip and a surge of arousal shot through Dean. Instantly he looked away, hoping the angel hadn't seen any change. 

“Lets get outta here.” His voice was raspy, full of the arousal he was trying so desperately to bury and he rolled his eyes at himself. 

“Dean-”

“We need to get Sam to the car.” He couldn't have this conversation, not now, not ever. It wasn't going to happen. He couldn't hear Cas shoot him down. Fear pushed him to continue. “Need your help, Cas. Can't move him on my own.” He started to lift Sam's top end, gripping him under the armpits, but when there was no sign of Cas helping, he looked up at him. Dean's breath was caught in his throat. Cas's eyes had darkened, anger swirling within them, making them a darker blue. 

“Dean, you ki-”

“No!” He dropped his brothers body with a loud thump and straightened up. His heart pounded in his chest as he started to pace up and down, avoiding looking at the other man. He couldn't hear it, couldn't let him say those words aloud. If he said those words aloud then it would make it all so real and Dean wouldn't be able to cope with that. He couldn't bare his best friend looking at him with disgust.

A few more moments had passed, Dean mumbling 'no', over and over again. Eventually he turned to look at Cas. Cas's eyes were filled with concern now and Dean ignored it. He couldn't go there. “Please, just help me get Sam to the car.” He looked down at the angel with pleading eyes, pleading to just drop it, to leave it alone. 

Cas just stared, doubt clouding his features. Dean didn't know what he was doubting exactly, he just hoped Cas would get the message. Eventually, Cas nodded and he moved towards Sam. Dean allowed a shaky breath to leave his body and moved to help Cas. 

No matter what, he was not going to have any conversation about what had just happened. This wasn't going to turn into anything.

It was best left forgotten.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who have commented, sent Kudos and bookmarks. Please keep them coming. 
> 
> Warning: Mentions of sex. 
> 
> Warning II: I forgot to put this warning at the beginning of the last chapter. In this story I do pant Dean as bit of a dick, so I apologise for that. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Dean had kissed him. 

That was the only thought that had swirled around his mind. Dean had kissed him and it had been amazing in every possible way. How long had he longed for it? For some sign that Dean was interested? Years? It must be. Now as he helped Dean load Sam into the back of the Impala all he could think of was the million questions that swirled through his brain. What did this mean? Had it been a mistake? How long had Dean felt this way? Where do they go from here? 

After climbing into the front seat of the Impala, he thought back to that kiss. He remembered the way Dean's lips felt against his own, how they fitted perfectly with his. He remembered his reaction, or lack there of. He sighed. He hadn't responded well. Is that why Dean didn't want him to mention it? Is it because he thought Cas was rejecting him. He should tell him that he wasn't, but every time he opened his mouth, Dean would cut across him. 

Before he knew it, they were pulling into there motel. He turned to gaze at the man next to him. That amazing, fantastically sexy man. His eyes wouldn't meet his. Was he uncomfortable? Maybe he hadn't meant to kiss him, maybe he regretted it. That thought sent a jolt of pain through his chest. He fought the urge to rub against it, clenching his hands into fists, his nails digging into the palms. 

“Stay here. I'm just going to get our stuff. Then we'll head back to the bunker.” 

Cas didn't have a chance to respond before Dean was jumping out of the car, slamming the door shut. Cas sighed as he watched Dean move across to the motel door and disappeared inside. He glanced at Sam in the back seat. He wouldn't wake up for a while. The need to go to Dean became overwhelming. He needed answers. He needed to know where he stood. Where they stood. 

He didn't want to give himself a chance to talk himself out of it, he instantly jumped out of the car and almost ran to the closed door. He took a deep breath and ever so slowly, opened the blue door. He didn't want to startle Dean. Didn't want to give him the opportunity to dodge this any more. He stepped inside and closed the door. He took in the sight of the man, bending over the bed, packing his bag. 

He couldn't stare forever. As much as that idea appealed to him. He needed to get this out in the open. Inhaling deeply, he finally opened his mouth. But what should he say? Which question? Then he decided to go with the obvious. “You kissed me.” It wasn't a question. Just a fact. 

Dean froze, his body tense. Cas waited. Waited for Dean to come to terms with it being out in the open. After what felt like years, Dean finally stood straight and turned to face him. The look in his eyes made Cas reel back. He was terrified. Terrified of what this conversation was going to bring. But Cas didn't care, he needed to know. “Why?”

He watched as Dean licked is bottom lip. “Uh-” 

Dean was going to need some help. “How long have you felt this way?” 

Dean's eyes narrowed at the question. “What way?”

Cas felt anger push towards the surface. Was he really go to make this difficult? Cas took a step forwards. “How long have you had feelings for me?” 

Dean let out a small chuckle, his eyes growing dark and dangerous. “You think I have feelings for you? That's not what this is.”

Cas felt the pain of those words punch him through the chest. Logically he shouldn't feel hurt by this. Dean had kissed him, so he had to feel something or he wouldn't have done it in the first place. But they hurt all the same. “So what is this then?” He tried to stop his voice from shaking, tried to stay cool and collected, as though he wasn't bothered by any of this. But he failed and Dean knew. He knew he was hurting. He could see it in the hunters eyes as they widened. 

“I just find you attractive, that's all. Sexual attraction. There's no meaning behind it.” 

“Okay.” What else was he suppose to say? He turned and left, leaving Dean to stare after him. He had never felt pain quite like this before. Never had felt this type of rejection. Dean might want to be with him sexually, but he didn't feel the way Cas did. Cas would never have Dean the way he wanted him, the way he needed him. 

He got into the front seat of the Impala and waited for Dean to return. He finally emerged twenty minutes after Cas left. What had taken him so long? He faced out of the side window, refusing to look the hunter in the eyes. He could feel the concern pouring off him, but he refused to give in to him. Refused to show him just how much his words pierced his heart. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

The three hour drive back to the bunker was torturous. All Dean could think about was how Cas had looked as he said those words, words he could never take back. It had hurt Cas. But that couldn't be. He didn't love him. Didn't feel that way about him. But why was he bothered anyway? So what if he didn't love him back? It wasn't like Dean was in love with the guy. But he was. That was the problem. He was so very much in love. But it can't be. This can't be love. This can't be because everything will fall apart. Cas would get hurt. He would get burned. Whether that's by Dean or some random evil out to get them, Cas would get burned. The people he loved always did. So, yeah, this can't be love. 

Finally he pulled up to the bunker. Cas was out before Dean had come to a full stop. Confusion swelled. He can't be hurt by this. If Dean kept thinking that, over and over again, maybe, just maybe he could convince himself that it was true. But deep down he knew it wasn't. 

He slowly climbed out of the car and helped Cas lift his brother into the bunker. Once Sam was safely on his bed, the both of them moved back towards the library. “So, how long will he be out for?” Dean asked, cautious. It was the first words he'd spoken to the guy since the motel. 

Cas turned to face him, his eyes cold and devoid of emotion. Dean sucked in a sharp breath. He hadn't looked at him like that since they first met. It scared the hell out of him. “A couple of hours.” 

Cas turned to leave. Panic bubbled inside of him. He couldn't let him leave like this. Dean needed to know they were okay. He couldn't lose his best friend over these perverted thoughts. “I'm sorry.” Cas stopped and turned back round to face him, his head tilting to the side slightly, eyes narrowing. 

“For what, Dean?” His gruff voice sent shivers down Dean's spine. 

“For making you uncomfortable. Just… forget I said anything.”

Cas narrowed his eyes slightly, then before Dean knew what was happening, he was pinned against the wall. His hands were held in a tight grip above his head. His heart almost burst out of his chest as Cas looked down at him. He tried to wiggle free. But Cas was kissing him. It wasn't like when Dean did it. It was more hungrier, more desperate. Dean fell into it, allowing Cas's tongue access. The tongue swirled and prodded and tickled. God, it felt amazing. The feeling of it went straight to his cock, making it stand to attention. He pushed his hips towards Cas's, instantly feeling the angel's bulge against his. He groaned at the pleasure. 

Then Cas was gone. Dean blinked, dropping his hands to his sides. He caught sight of Cas standing over by the long table. He was breathing heavy, the lust darkening his eyes and his mouth was red and wet. The sight of him sent shocks through his body. God he looked perfect. But why the hell did he stop? He didn't want him to stop.

“It didn't make me uncomfortable, Dean.” Fuck. That voice was raspier than usual, it sent a whole new shock wave through his system, making his cock twitch. 

But the reality of his words hit home. He frowned as Cas started stalking towards him, intentions clear. He was going to kiss him again, and more. Dean held up a hand. “Stop.” Cas did, freezing mid-step. His eyes were wide, terrified. “We...” He licked his lower lip, still tasting the angel on him. God, he wanted more, so much more. “We can't.”

Before he could change his mind, he rushed from the room. 

The pain of leaving his best friend standing there, made his heart ache, made him want to scream. This is exactly what he was trying to avoid. This heart break. On both sides. 

But he wasn't heartbroken. He couldn't be. He wasn't in love. This isn't love. There is no way this is love. 

This can't be love. 

-SUPERNATURAL -

With a heavy heart and dread streaming through his veins, he made his way down the bunker steps. It had been three weeks since he'd seen Dean. It had hurt to leave, to not pursue him. They had kissed… again. It had felt like everything it was suppose to be, everything it had meant to be. But then Dean had stopped it and Castiel had felt his heart being torn from his chest, had felt the painful ache that accompanied it after. Dean didn't want this, didn't want him. 

When he reached the library, his gaze caught Dean's. He hadn't realised till this moment just how much he had truly missed him, how much he ached to be near him. Reluctantly, he diverted his gaze to Sam, who had said something. “Sorry, Sam. What did you say?”

Castiel pretended he didn't see the small smirk playing at his lips. “I asked how the hunt for Kelly is going?”

He sighed, frustration leaking through. “It's not going. I just can't find her.” 

“We'll find her,” Dean's voice was like velvet to his ears. Oh, how he'd missed that voice. But when he looked back at him, he felt that all to familiar ache that he'd grown accustomed to since their last meeting. Castiel couldn't say anything, didn't know what to say, so he just nodded in reply. 

“I'm going out for food,” Sam announced and Castiel tore his eyes away from Dean to look back at him. There was silence as Sam made his way out of the bunker, Impala keys in hand, the only sound were his footsteps against metal, then the slam of the heavy door. 

Castiel frowned. Things were awkward now between him and Dean. He didn't know if he would be okay with that. He wanted his friend back. He wanted to be comfortable around him again. A small part of him wished that they'd never kissed, that they'd never admitted that there was something more than friendship between them. But a larger part, revelled in the memory of both kisses, the heat and lust and groans. 

A hand on his shoulder startled him and when he looked up he came face to face with Dean's green eyes, which held a dash of concern. “I know you're worried, man. But we'll find her.” 

Was he really going to avoid this? Anger rippled through him as he narrowed his eyes, shrugging off the hand. Dean's eyes widened in shock. “I wasn't thinking about that,” Castiel spat at him. How dare he ignore this? There was no way they could go back to being what they were before, surely he must know that. He must have an incline, even if it is just a small amount. 

Dean took a step back, his own eyes contracting. “Don't, Cas.” His voice was low and threatening. It didn't faze Castiel in the slightest. The anger continued to burn strong, frightening off the small voice in his head, the small voice that was telling him that this wasn't a good idea, to leave it alone and pretend just like Dean was trying to do. But he couldn't fight the anger off. 

“Why? Why shouldn't I Dean? Give me one good reason.” His voice turned to begging, to pleading. The anger was disintegrating, petering out. He needed to know why they couldn't do this. He needed this. 

Dean's eyes darted from side to side in a silent panic. “Because...” His eyes finally landed on him, imploring him not to do this, not now. But Castiel stayed silent. He didn't care what Dean wanted. He'd given him everything, why shouldn't he think about his own needs for once. “I… I just can't.”

Castiel sighed, the dissatisfaction shining through. “If you don't give me one good reason, Dean, I won't be responsible for what happens next.”

Dean's eyes widened fractionally at his statement, curiosity spiked through. He stayed silent. Castiel gave him a few minuets, his eyes never leaving his. But as the minuets drew on, he found his heart start to beat erratically in his chest. He could do this. He could show Dean that they could, they could do this. If only if he let them. Without warning he surged forwards and pressed his lips to Deans. They were soft and welcoming and when Dean parted them, he slipped his tongue inside, tasting the whisky straight away. He heard Dean grow from deep within, the sound rumbling through his mouth, sending a shot of arousal to Castiel's cock. 

All too soon, Dean pulled away, panting, eyes full of lust, a swipe of tongue over his lower lip. Castiel marvelled in, his own breaths coming fast. “Why, Dean?” His voice was deeper than normal, full of the arousal that was still swimming through his body. 

“If… If we do this, Cas, there has to be ground rules.” Castiels heart almost jumped out of his chest. Dean was giving in. The happiness engulfed him. He was going to get what he wanted, what he'd wanted for years. He was going to get Dean. But then his words sank in. Ground rules? What ground rules? Is that normal for a relationship to have rules? 

“Uh, what rules?” he asked tilting his head to the side and a small smile played at his lips. This had to be a joke, right? Dean's face stayed stony and Cas dropped his smile. Panic knotted in his stomach. He wasn't going to like what comes next, he just knew it. 

“First of all, Sam never finds out.” Dean's voice was low and full of threats. “Secondly,” Dean became nervous very quickly. Castiel could get on board with not telling Sam, and to be honest he didn't really want him knowing anything yet anyway. But whatever the second condition was, he knew he wasn't going to like it. “There can't… there's no… this isn't...” Dean frowned and Castiel felt himself start to panic. If Dean couldn't get what he wanted to say out then there was something really wrong. “There can't be any feelings,” he let out in one breath. 

Castiel froze, his heart dropping to his stomach. “What?” 

Dean looked like he wanted to be anywhere else, anywhere that wasn't here having this conversation. “There can't be any feelings involved, Cas. That can't happen. That condition… its non-negotiable. You need to think about this, like, really think about it. Because… if you can't do that, then tell me now.”

Castiel had dropped his mouth open. Was he serious? He wanted just a sexual relationship, with no feelings, nothing. He could feel his heart breaking into a million pieces. He wasn't going to get Dean the way he wanted him. That was never going to happen. He didn't know if he could do this. He wanted Dean's love, needed it. Needed to be wrapped in that safe, pure love. But… He would still have Dean. Did it really matter how he had him? 

“It's okay, Cas. If you walk away from this, I won't hold it against you.” His voice was soothing and calming. 

Thoughts of their kisses floated through his mind. He didn't want to ever let that feeling go, didn't want to walk away from him, didn't want this to end. “Okay.”

Dean's eyes widened, unsure of what he just heard. “What?”

“I said okay. I agree to the terms, Dean.”

Dean's face lit up with a startling bright smile and Castiel felt himself smile, too. He could do this. As long as Dean kept smiling like that, he could do this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to every who has supported this story so far, it really does mean the world to me. 
> 
> WARNING: SEXUAL CONTENT AHEAD! PROCEED WITH CARE! ACCOMPANIED WITH A LOT OF ANGST!
> 
> Please comment!

He couldn't do. Yet it was happening. He wanted nothing more than to show Dean just how much he truly loved him, how much he would always love him. He could feel the hands on his bare ass, could feel the cold wooden library table against his heated chest. His breathing was harsh, his heart speeding up as the tip of Dean's slick cock prodded against his hole.

This was really happening. He would finally get to feel Dean fill him, feel him make love to him. But that's not what this was. This was Dean satisfying his hungry sexual desire. No love. Sadness fuelled his tears that slid down his flushed cheeks, hitting the table beneath. He slowly pressed the side of his cheek against the table, closing his eyes, trying to hide what he was truly feeling, trying press those tears away. He felt sick to his stomach. This wasn't how it was suppose to be. 

He felt Dean press the tip against his hole, pushing slightly. Pain sprouted but Castiel instantly urged his grace to force it away. He heard Dean hum in appreciation and it just made Castiel feel even more sick. This wasn't love. 

He could push the man of him, tell him no. Dean would never force him, that Castiel was sure of. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. This was for Dean. This was what Dean needed, what he wanted, what would make him happy. 

Inch by inch Dean pushed his throbbing cock inside until finally he was completely sheathed inside of his gaping hole. For a moment there was no movement and Castiel allowed his thoughts to wonder again. He wanted to turn around, wanted to gaze upon Dean as he was overcome by pleasure. He wanted to show Dean that he was head over heels in love with him, that he was doing this for him. 

The tears kept coming. He looked over his shoulder at the hunter. He had his eyes shut, his mouth hung open and his fingers dug deep into Castiel's hip. Then he started moving, slowly. Castiel felt his body slide up the table by the force of the push, felt the cock throb within him, hitting that sweet spot inside him. The pleasure was what made this feeling worse. 

He couldn't do this. He shook his head. He didn't want to feel pleasure, not when Dean wasn't in love with him. Not when he couldn't have this moment the way it should be. 

“Dean, stop.” His voice was croaky, full of tears and he found himself choking back a sob. He couldn't have Dean the way he needed to and it hurt, it cut him deep and he wanted nothing more to get away from this situation, to get away from the hunter. 

Dean froze. He stayed silent. Not releasing him. Not removing his cock. His fingers pressed deeper as though he didn't want to let go. But that couldn't be right. Dean didn't feel the same need that Castiel felt. 

“I… I can't.” He sounded so broken, so hurt, so vulnerable. 

Immediately Dean pulled free, his cock slipping wetly from his hole, his grip from his hips gone. Castiel allowed himself a moment to think. Dean would be confused, he had agreed after all, he needed to think of what to say. But nothing came. All he could think about was this empty, numbing feeling in the depths of his chest. He was so deeply in love with him, and Dean didn't feel the same. The reality came crashing down around him. This was just another conquest to Dean. Just another willing body for him to pound till he lost all control. That was it. Nothing more. Castiel tried to stop the tears from flowing, but they wouldn't. They wouldn't go away. It was as if they were compensating for the emptiness he was feeling. He couldn't face Dean like this. But time had worn on for too long, and Castiel had no choice to face it, to face him. 

Slowly, he removed himself from the table, pulled his trousers up. He wiped a hand down his face, trying so desperately to rid himself of these tears. But they still came, fast. He turned. Dean's eyes widened, his trousers were up now, hiding his very prominent bulge. His eyes caught Dean's, and he gulped. “I can't,” he whispered, hoping and praying he would understand why, that he wouldn't make him say it. 

“Why?” His voice was gentle and soft, nothing like the man he'd grown to come and love. Maybe he did care for Castiel after all, but not in the way he needed or wanted. The tears kept coming. He dipped his head and shame filled him, his eyes closing to fight back the bile in his throat. He'd agreed to this and now he was letting Dean down… again. It always came down to him letting him down, whether its their usual end of the world stuff or something a bit more personal. He felt Dean's hand on his chin, his head was being tilted upwards. He opened his eyes and gasped at just how close they were. “I would never force you, Cas. If you can't do this, that's okay. I will not hold it against you.”

Anger started to swim through his body as he narrowed his eyes. What the did he think this was? What the hell did he think he couldn't do? He placed his hands on the man's chest and for a brief moment, he felt calmed by the feel of the hunters heart beat against his hand. Then he shoved. He didn't use his angelic strength, the purpose wasn't to hurt the man, just to shock him. Dean's eyes widened as he stumbled back. Castiel didn't want him anywhere near him. He knew that as soon as he allowed any kind of contact, he would succumb to this need inside him and he couldn't do it. 

“Do you honestly think we can just go back to normal after this?” He was no longer trying to hold back his tears. He allowed all of his emotions to come to the surface, to be laid bare for the other man to see. Dean's mouth opened and closed, unsure of what to say, his own tears springing to his eyes but not falling. “I have given up everything for you, Dean. I have held back everything for you. This...” He waved vaguely at the table behind him. “This, I have been dreaming about for years. Only its not. Because in my dreams, Dean, you have loved me back.”

The tears now spilled past Dean's eyelashes, his eyes pleading with him. “Don't, please.”

Dean knew where this was going, and he didn't want to hear it. Castiel could feel his heart tear in two. Dean knew he couldn't love him back and he was begging for the angel to not make him say it because there would be no going back. But Castiel couldn't stop, as much as he knew he should, he couldn't hold back any more. “I know, Dean. I know you don't love me, or feel anything for me. And that's okay. I wouldn't change anything. Nothing. I would still save you, over and over again. I would always choose you, over and over again. But… I can't do this. I can't do the most intimate act in the world and never be able to show you just how much...”

“No! Damn it! No!” Dean's voice bellowed, shocking Castiel. They both froze. Castiel knew he didn't want to hear it. But keeping it inside, it hurt more than the thought of the rejection. It hurt so much to keep it hidden. It needed to be freed. Those three words. They needed be let loose. Dean's voice softened. “You can't.” He was back to pleading again. 

“I will always love you, Dean.”

Castiel watched as he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He could see the internal struggle within, could see the adrenaline pumping through his veins. Castiel knew what was going to come next, what always came next when Dean couldn't deal with anything remotely to do with emotions. He was ready to fight or run. When his eyes opened again, they were full of rage and Castiel took a step back. He'd seen Dean angry, seen him fly into a full on rage outburst as the emotions struggled within. But he'd never seen him this angry. “Why did you have to say that? You couldn't just let it be,” he spat, his fist clenching at his sides. Was he going to fight or run? 

Castiel ran his hands though his hair. “Because you need to understand, Dean.” 

Dean looked upon him cautiously and Castiel felt relief wash over him. He wasn't too far gone that he couldn't be reasoned with. “Understand what?” His voice was still venomous. 

“I will do anything for you Dean, anything. But I won't do that. You can't… you can't ask me to pretend that these feelings don't exist, not any more. I've tried so hard to keep it all hidden. I really have. But I can't… not any more.” He turned to leave. He gathered his discarded clothes and without putting them on he made his way to the bunker's exit. Dean wasn't going to stop him from leaving and Castiel was totally okay with that. Those words were free and now he felt lighter somehow, like a huge burden had been lifted. Dean didn't love him and he could live with that, as much as it hurt, but Dean knew now, he knew that he would do pretty much anything for him. He stopped halfway up the steps and glanced at the hunter, who was stood watching with a shocked expression upon his features. “We're still friends, Dean. I will always be there for you. Just don't ever forget that someone does love you. I will always love you.”

Then he left. His heart feeling torn and broken, but somehow lighter. He hoped what he'd said was true. He really did still want to be friends with him, because as hard as it was to be around him knowing that he doesn't feel the same, he could never leave him. 

Yes, he will always love Dean Winchester, no matter what. 

-SUPERNATURAL-

The scorching water mixed with the salty tears, cascading down his skin. He'd fucked it all up. Fucked everything up. He thought he could get away with it. Get away with having him and not feel anything. He had been so wrong. 

He closed his eyes as the memories bombarded his mind. The memory of how he felt being surrounded by all that was Cas, how tight he was. As much as he tried to tell himself that it was just sex, he couldn't help but feel the emotions push forward, couldn't help how he felt. But Cas stopped it. Cas didn't want it. But listening to him pour his heart out, Dean knew he should have just told him. Should have laid everything out. Should have made him understand why it had to be that way. But he couldn't bring himself to. Then Cas had said those dreaded words. But that wasn't what had shocked Dean so much. No, its what he'd said after. He would still be there for him, would still be his friend, would do anything for him, even after his heart had gotten ripped to shreds. 

It was a fact, Dean as shitty person. He'd allowed Cas to believe he doesn't feel anything for him, allowed him to believe it was all one sided all because it was easier than facing the truth. Anger swirled through his veins like fire, burning strong. He could no longer hold it in, no longer hold back. He let out an almighty roar of anguish, his hands pulling hard on his short hair, making his scalp tingle and burn. The tears kept flowing. He was angry at Cas, so very angry. Why did he have to say it? Why did he have to make it a thing? But he was more angry with himself. How could he hurt his best friend like that? He should have kept his thoughts, his sexual desires, his lips to himself. If he'd done that then none of this would have happened, and Cas would carry on, oblivious. 

He clenched his fist and punched the tiled wall. Pain shot from his fingers and up his arm as a resounding crack echoed through the shower room. He stared down at it. It was broken and relief flooded through him. The pain was immense and he smiled crookedly at the quickly bruising skin, at the swell of the fingers. He deserved this, he deserved this pain. He punched the wall, over and over again, feeling the bones crack, feeling the pain grow with each contact. The anger was gone, replaced with self-loathing. Yes, he deserved this. 

“Dean?” His brother's voice sounded through his muddled mind, snapping him to attention. He sucked in air, trying to calm his rolling emotions. “Everything okay?”

He couldn't answer him, couldn't bring himself to. He knew that as soon as he spoke, Sam would be able to tell that he'd been crying, tell that something was going on. But if he didn't answer, Sam would grow worried and would probably force his way in. If he answered, Sam would give him space to leave the shower room before harassing him with questions. “Y-yeah. All good, Sammy.” 

It took longer than it should have to towel himself dry and get dressed. His crushed hand wasn't any use. He inspected the bloodied knuckles, the bruised and twisted fingers. He'd completely damaged his hand. It wouldn't surprise him if he'd fucked up the nerves or something. A twisted part of him was pleased with that thought. He deserved this. 

He left the shower room, dragging his feet towards the library where his brother was more than likely going to be. It's best to get this over with so he could go back to hating himself. When he entered the library, his blood froze in his veins, his heart started beating erratically. The pain he had pushed down with own hatred punched him straight through his chest, making it hard to breath. He gulped in air. Was this a panic attack? 

He stared into those amazing blue eyes. They were worried, concerned. Cas wasn't looking at his eyes, they were trained on his broken hand. His breathing came back to normal, but the pain in he chest was still there, taunting him. He tried to hide the damage, but the sudden movement sent shocks up his arm and he winced from it. 

Then Cas was there, holding the broken hand. His own hand started to glow. Panic surged through Dean's system. No, he didn't want to be healed. He needed this pain. This was a reminder of just what he was. Of how pathetic he was, how much of a coward he was, of how hideous he was as a person, of how disgusting he was. 

He tore his hand away, making him yelp with pain, but he ignored it and shuffled backwards, his eyes wide and pleading. Cas was shocked. Of course he was, he didn't understand why Dean didn't want to be healed. Nobody would. Nobody would understand what he was feeling. “Don't.”

Cas narrowed his eyes in confusion and for a moment he forgot how he'd hurt Cas, how he hated himself. The movement of his head tilt was so familiar, so welcoming. But Cas took a step forward, and it all came rushing back, making him panic. “Let me heal you, Dean.”

Dean shook his head. The sound of his gruff voice sent thrills through his system, making him want to lunge for the angel and press his lips to his. A new wave of self-loathing shot through him again. How could he think of doing such a thing after what he'd done to him already?

“Dean? What's going on?” Sam's voice sounded far of. Dean couldn't concentrate on his brother right now, he needed to make sue Cas kept his distance, needed to keep his anger at bay. But he could feel it burning rapidly. He could feel his unbroken fingers twitch. 

“Dean? You could have seriously damaged something. Please, let me heal you,” Cas spoke with so much caring and concern. How could he after what Dean did? This made the anger burn brighter. He couldn't hold it back. 

“I don't care!” His bellowing voice made both of the other men jump in surprise. Then he punched the wall again, with his broken hand, over and over again. Shouting that he didn't care, over and over again. His vision blurred as the pain soured through him. He was about to pass out from the pain. He knew it, but he couldn't stop. 

Strong arms wrapped around his arms, pinning them by his side. He knew who it was, he didn't need to look. He could feel the tingle of the heat from his body, could feel the love practically pouring of him. The tears came then. He sobbed. Never, not once, had he ever sobbed. He was the silent cry type. But the sobs racked his body and there was nothing he could do. Cas pulled him down to the floor, pulling his head to his chest.

Dean felt so very tired. So tired of feeling all of this. Still he kept crying. Why wouldn't they stop? He just needed them to stop. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” He kept muttering it, over and over again. Not able to stop, needing Cas to know that he hadn't meant to hurt him. 

When the tears finally stopped, realisation set in. Panic swelled up again. Cas was comforting him. No, he didn't deserve this comfort. He didn't deserve anything but a beating from him. He tried to push him away, but Cas held him strong. 

“Stop, Dean.” His voice was so commanding and Dean froze when he started wondering what that commanding voice would sound like above him as he sank deep within him. He let out a shuddering breath, afraid to move, afraid he would do something else he would regret. After a few moments, Cas tilted his face up, their eyes locking. “I should be the one that is sorry. It was me. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have stopped it.”

No! It's not his fault. Never his fault. He was so pure and loving. That's all he wanted, wasn't it? For Dean to love him back? “Yes, you should have.” His voice was croaky from all the crying, the screaming. “You can't… you shouldn't feel… You deserve so much more.” 

Cas's eyes softened, his pain shining through his eyes. “Dean-”

Dean pushed away and stood. His brother was still standing there, eyes wide. Shame bounced around his head, making him flush deep. Had Sam worked out what they were talking about? Is that why he looked so shocked? Or is he just shocked by Dean's behaviour? He ignored his brother. Cas deserved his complete attention. Cas stood, his piercing eyes not leaving his. 

“Let me heal you?” He was asking for permission and Dean felt his heart melt. This was causing him pain. The realisation came slow, but when it reached the surface, he knew what he had to do. He needed to make Cas believe he was okay. Cas needed him to be okay. Because what had just happened, that hurt him and Cas doesn't need any more pain. Dean might not be able to give him what he really needed, but he could give him this. Slowly he nodded his head. Cas's eyes lit up with relief, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he reached out to start the healing process. 

Dean knew what he had to do. He needed to protect Cas at all cost.


	4. Chapter 4

A white glow emanated from his palm as he felt his grace ignite, healing Dean's hand. Dean gasped in pain and when Castiel glanced into those gorgeous eyes, he felt his his heart constrict painfully. Dean was hurting. Not physically but emotionally. He wanted nothing more to ease his pain, wanting to take it all away. Dean had been through enough over his lifetime, he didn't need anything more added to it. 

He released his hand, his eyes not wavering. He wanted nothing more than to engulf him in a hug, to tell him it was all going to be okay. But he couldn't. Dean didn't want him, he didn't want that comfort from him. Plus it would be a lie anyway. It wasn't going to be okay, it may never be okay again. 

Dean took a step back, his eyes wide and glistening with the tears that were still falling silently. He broke the eye contest, glancing nervously at his brother. Castiel couldn't waver his gaze, couldn't break that connection, not yet. He needed for Dean to be okay, needed to know that he would be fine. Guilt plagued Castiel. He shouldn't have said anything. He should have just kept going, should have allowed Dean to have him, at least once. 

He watched as Dean darted his eyes back to Castiel, offering him a small, reassuring smile. Shock coursed through him at the sight. He was trying to tell him he was going to be okay, but he knew better than that. He could see it in those sad eyes. He was doing this for his benefit and possibly his brothers. 

“Dean?” Sam's voice broke the quiet of the room and Dean snapped his eyes back to his brother, worry and nervousness returning. “Want to explain what just happened?”

Castiel could see it in his eyes. He didn't want to tell Sam anything. He shook his head, his eyes catching Castiel's again. Without saying a word, he slumped his shoulders and turned to leave. Castiel didn't remember thinking about the action beforehand, he just acted, reaching out and gripping Dean's wrist, forcing him to freeze. The small contact sent shocks of electricity through his hand and up his arm. He forced himself to maintain the contact and waited for Dean to focus his attention on him. He could feel his heart stopping, his breathing slowing as he watched the hunter eye his hand with a guarded look. After a small beat, he slowly raised his eyes to meet Castiel's. Castiel sucked in a sharp breath at the pain that was written there. His eyes darted to his brother. They were both acutely aware that they were being watched, the situation being dissected. 

Dean reached up, slowly peeled his hand from his wrist. For a moment, Castiel thought he was going to throw his hand away with disgust, with anger. But he gripped his fingers in the palm of his hand, squeezing gently. The action was suppose to be reassuring, but it didn't put him at ease, it just made him worry more. Dean had always said he was a broken man, never to be fixed. Of course Castiel knew differently, everybody knew differently. But as he gazed into the depths of those green pools, he knew. Castiel had finally broken him. 

He knew that something was going to break him eventually. Sam was always sprouting that everybody had there breaking point, especially when it came to the stuff they had to deal with. Sam had wondered aloud on more than one occasion to both Castiel and Dean, when were they finally going to be so broken that there would be no coming back? Dean would shrug it off as though it was no big deal, but it had always got Castiel thinking. Sam had a point. 

As he held Dean's eyes. He knew that Dean had found his moment. He had found that moment where he was so broken beyond repair. Castiel wanted to scream, want to yell at him, tell him he can come back, because the grief and the guilt was starting to consume him. Many times he had wondered what would be the Winchesters moment, he had never thought that he himself would be a part of it. But here was, staring at Dean, knowing that this was all his fault. Castiel was the reason that Dean was broken. 

“It's okay, Cas.” Dean's voice shook, filled with pain. But Castiel knew he was trying so hard to keep it even, to try to reassure him. After everything, after being so torn up, he was still thinking about him, trying to put him first above everything, including himself. 

This made Castiel angry, so angry. Rage burned through his veins. He shouldn't put him first, not after he'd ruined their friendship, not after he'd ruined everything. He'd forgotten about Sam standing not too far away, forgotten about what he'd said to Dean no too long ago. He needed to make him understand. He needed Dean to be angry with him, to hate him. 

He gripped his hand tighter and tugged, making Dean yelp with surprise. He pulled him down the corridor, away from Sam's prying eyes. For what was to come next, they needed to be alone. “Cas?” Dean was nervous, concerned. 

When they reached Dean's room, he practically threw the man inside, slamming the door shut. Dean didn't have time to react. Castiel pushed him hard against the wall, his hands pinning Dean wrist above his head. Dean let out small grunt at the contact, his eyes growing wide. He practically could hear the questions pouring out of him. Castiel could feel his heart pick up speed, could feel his cock twitch with anticipation. He pressed his body closer to Dean's, bending his head to Dean's ear. 

“Why don't you hate me?” he whispered, his breath ghosting over the man's ear. He felt Dean shudder, heard him gulp. 

“W-why would I hate you?” he whispered back, pure curiosity pouring through those words. He really didn't understand why he should. Castiel looked back at him, his eyes softening, feeling the anger release its clutches. 

“Because I've ruined everything. I should have kept my mouth shut.” He watched as the shock left Dean, watched as understanding crossed his perfect features. He wasn't going to deny it, Castiel could see that, could see that he knew he was right. He allowed Dean to gather his thoughts. He watched as Dean's eyes drifted from his eyes, to his lips and back up again. Castiel would love nothing more than to give him what he wanted, but he couldn't. He couldn't go there again. 

“I-” Dean licked his lips, sending a jolt of arousal through Castiel, making him tighten his grip on those wrists that he still had pinned to the wall. It was a nervous gesture that Dean was displaying. The fact that he had no idea what that tiny action had done to Castiel just made that arousal grow. He held back though. He couldn't lose control. Not now. “I could never hate you, Cas.” His voice was breathy and it made Castiel's heart flutter. 

“But you should.”

“Why? Because you're in love with me?” Castiel fought the urge to pull back, to escape. His arousal now forgotten. He didn't think Dean would be the first to say it. He didn't think Dean would be the first to acknowledge it. “I would never condemn you for that, Cas.” 

Castiel felt warmth spread out from the centre of his chest at his words, but confusion was there too. “Then… Then what's wrong? What was that all about, Dean?”

Castiel watched as guilt plagued his eyes now. What was he thinking? What was happening to him? “I was angry.”

“With me?” 

Dean shook his head. “With myself.”

Castiel tilted his head to the side, his eyes narrowing to slits. Of course he would be angry with himself, of course he would blame himself. “Care to elaborate?”

Dean sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes dropping to the floor. When he spoke it was barely a whisper and Castiel had to strain to hear it. “I feel things for you, Cas.” Castiel mentally cursed himself at the small twinge of hope that spiked. He shouldn't hope. There was a reason Dean was angry at himself and he knew Castiel wasn't going to like it. “I want you so badly that it hurts.” He locked eyes with him again, and the sadness there made that hope disintegrate, being replaced by his own sadness. “But…” And there it was, the dreaded but. Castiel forced himself to maintain the contact, made himself press harder into Dean. He needed to hear this. Dean sighed. “I don't want to hurt you.”

“Dean, its okay. I need to hear this. Tell me.” He tried to reassure him. He did need to hear this, but at the same time he was dreading what he would hear. Dreaded the pain that was sure to follow. 

Dean nodded in understanding. “I want you physically, so much, Cas. I want to feel you against me. But that's it. It's just this sexual attraction that I can't seem to get rid of.”

Cas knew it was coming. He tried to brace himself for it. Tried to prepare himself for it. He could feel the tears springing to his eyes already. He wanted to stop him from saying any more, wanted to stop him from bringing Castiel back to reality. 

“It's like this itch that I can seem to scratch. But…” 

Castiel released his wrists and took a step back. He couldn't be that close to him, not when his heart was about to be torn in two. Not when he was about to experience the most excruciating pain he'd ever experienced. Dean dropped his arms but didn't move, didn't break eye contact. 

“This… what I'm feeling, Cas. This can't be love.” And there it was. Dean didn't feel anything for him. Nothing. He knew this, of course. But hearing and knowing it was two very different things. The tears leaked from his eyes as he closed them against the pain in his chest. It felt like someone had reached down his throat and tore his heart out. Dean didn't stop talking and Castiel could hear the pain in his voice. “I can't love you.” 

Castiel opened his eyes, darting them around the room. He needed to leave. He didn't want to hear any more. Dean had practically told him it was impossible for him to love him, to feel anything other than friendship for him. This hurt so much, no matter how much he'd already known it, it still cut him deep. He glanced at the only exit, and for the first time he cursed the warding that surrounded the bunker. Dean was blocking the door and Castiel couldn't just fly away. 

He was frantic now as the pain started to consume him. He couldn't stay here no more. He couldn't hear it any more. As he glanced at Dean, the man he was so desperately in love with, the man that would never love him back, he realised something. Dean needed to know he was going to be okay. He needed that. Because if he didn't, he would hate himself even more. Castiel couldn't have that. He couldn't have himself blame himself like that. It wasn't his fault. He couldn't just sprout feelings for him. Sexual attraction was so different to love, even Castiel knew that. 

Castiel wiped the tears from his face with the back of hand and took a steadying breathing, telling himself to get a grip. “It's okay. I understand.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “You don't have to understand. You don't have to be okay with this.” Dean was getting angry again. Who was he angry with? Himself or Castiel? “I strung you along, made you think there could be something more.”

Castiel tilted his head to the side again. Is that what he thought happened? “No. I knew, right from the beginning that you didn't love me, Dean. I knew what I was getting into when I first touched you.” It was Dean's turn to be confused. “I had allowed myself to hope, just for a moment. But the longer it went on the more I realised I couldn't do it, not if you didn't love me in return. You can't help that you have no feelings for me. This isn't your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself. None of this is your fault.”

Dean was silent, his arms now crossed over his chest. It was a protective stance. He was protecting himself. But from what? He already said he had no feelings for him. So why the need to protect himself? The silence stretched on, making Castiel uncomfortable. “That's what you think?” he finally asked. 

“You don't blame yourself?” 

Dean sighed. “Not that. You think I don't have feelings for you?”

Castiel sucked in a sharp breath. The hope sprang forth again and he tried desperately to push it down. He can't hope again. Never again. “You do have feelings for me?” he whispered, needing to clarify that he was on the same page. He closed the distance once again between them, their eyes staying connected. Castiel felt his heart jump at the closeness. He should back off, should protect himself, but the pull was to strong. He needed to be close to him. Needed to be near him. 

Dean licked his lips. “Yes.” That one word sent shivers down his spine. It made him want to reach out, touch him, kiss him. But he held back. This wasn't going to end well. Castiel knew that. 

“Then why say that you don't?” he needed to know what Dean was thinking. Needed to understand. 

“I didn't, Cas. I said I can't.”

Cas's eyes grew wide. He thought back to what he'd said. He didn't say he didn't feel anything. Even before when he was laying out rules, he never said he didn't, he said he can't. 

Dean reached up and stroked his cheek with the back of his hand. Castiel felt content by the small touch as he felt the warmth spread through him. His eyes fluttered shut with pleasure. He opened his eyes again when Dean's hand held his chin between his fingers. “I don't understand, Dean,” he whispered. So he does feel something… but why all of this? 

Dean sighed. “I can't let myself feel that for you.”

Pain seared through him, hot and taunting as it raced around his heart before clenching it tightly. “Why?” he croaked out.

“Because… you mean too much to me.” 

Castiel backed up, his eyes narrowing. “That makes no sense.”

Dean smiled crookedly, shyly. Then it dropped, his eyes growing sad again. He sighed and realisation came to his face. Castiel watched as he came to a decision. He was about to say something he probably didn't want to. “I can't feel that for you because… you mean too much to me. You… you deserve so much better.”

Shock coursed through him and his heart jolted painfully for the man standing in front of him. He understood now. He was trying to protect Castiel. Dean thought he was going to hurt him. “Dean-”

Dean held up his hand, silencing him. “No. That's the end of it. No more sharing time. I'm done. Let's...” His eyes roamed over Cas's face. “Let's forget that any of this ever happened.” He nodded and turned. 

“Don't I get a say?” Dean froze, his hand hovering over the door handle. “You've said what you needed to say. What about me? Don't I get to say my peace?”

Dean glanced back at him over his shoulder and Castiel watched the internal struggle going on. “Not this time.” 

Then he was gone, leaving Cas standing alone. Leaving him to feel this immense pain. He wanted to howl into the silence, wanted to rip his own heart out just to get a relief from what he was feeling. He wanted to be angry with Dean. He wanted to hate him for dismissing him like that. But he understood. Dean was terrified, terrified that Castiel would convince him other wise. 

As Cas stood there, alone and hurting, he vowed he was going to make him listen even if it killed him. Dean Winchester was going to listen. Because as much as Castiel wanted to respect Dean's wishes, he couldn't. Dean was causing them both pain doing this and that wasn't fair, to either of them.

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Dean rushed through the bunker, the need to escape pulsing strong. He brushed past Sam in the library. He needed to get out of here, needed a drink, needed to forget about everything. Just for a moment. 

But Sam gripped his arm, stopping him, panicking him. He glanced at his brothers worried eyes. Trying to plead with him to let this go, just this once. But his brother wasn't going to. He needed to know what was going on. Dean could see that as the anger surged forwards. His fist clenched. He needed to get him off him, needed to be anywhere but there. He pulled his arm back to swing, watching his brother's eyes widen with surprise. 

Then a hand clamped around that fist, stopping him from crashing it into this brothers face. He gasped at the contact, thinking it may have been Sam, thinking that maybe his brother had been faster than him for once. But when he glanced at the fist, he spotted the tan trench coat that encircled the wrist and his heart stuttered to a stop. He flashed his eyes to those blue ones, the ones that were always so warm and welcoming. Now, though, they were filled fury and it made him stumble back. He felt his brother's grip release him.

Cas pushed him backwards, letting go of his fist. Dean felt the panic spark inside of him. Cas was furious. “You don't get to decide that, Dean.”

Dean furrowed his brows in confusion for a moment. Then it clicked. His heart sped up and his breaths were coming fast. Cas was continuing their conversation. He flicked his eyes to his brother nervously. Cas glanced over his shoulder at Sam, who was standing with wide eyes, his mouth clamped shut in disapproval. 

Anger surged forwards again. Sam didn't even know what was going on. What did he have to disapprove of? Dean caught Cas's eyes again. “Fine. Have your say. Then I'm outta here.” Cas looked at Sam again. Sam nodded and went to leave. “No. Stay.” Sam stopped, glancing at his brother in confusion. Cas looked at him the same way. This was probably the most stupidest thing he'd ever done. But he didn't care. He was sick of it all. Sick of feeling this way. Sick of his brother judging him too harshly. Sick of Cas prodding and poking till there was almost nothing left. Cas wouldn't continue their conversation in front of Sam. “You carried on, in front of him. He stays. So go on then.”

Cas's eyes were narrowed in on him. Dean gulped. He knew what Dean was playing at. The way Cas smirked at him set him on edge. Nervousness coursed through him, making him shift on his feet and flex his fingers. No, he wouldn't, would he? He waited for a sign that Cas was going to back down. But it never came. 

“So do you.” Oh God, he was really going there, in front of Sam. He flicked his eyes to his brother and found confused ones darting between the both of them. Good, he didn't know what was going on. But Dean could see curiosity spiking and he knew that as soon as Cas left Sam wouldn't let it go. He would keep prodding him for answers. 

Dean's eyes grew wide as the words echoed in his mind. “What?” his voice sounded vulnerable and exposed and he hated himself for that. 

“You deserve better, too.” His voice was sad, full of truth. It made Dean's heart clench painfully. He really believed that. 

“Why would you think that?” He forgot all about his brother being in the same room. All he could focus on was Cas, focus on his words, on his pain. 

Cas rolled his eyes. “Isn't it obvious?”

“Not to me.” He took a step towards him, his eyes darting across the angels face, taking in every line, every twitch, every inch of his features.

“I've done nothing but betray you, Dean. I've betrayed your trust. I've betrayed our friendship. I've put you in terrible situations. I've made terrible, end of the world mistakes. Mistake that I will never be able to take back. I'm not a good person.”

Dean's heart clenched painfully. He really thought that. “So if you think that. Then… why?” 

Cas tilted his head in that adorable way he always did and it made Dean feel that consuming need to touch him, to feel him, to kiss him. “Because… Because you deserve to be happy. You have had this terrible life, Dean. You've been tested, over and over again, but you always come out on top. You've sacrificed so much for the greater good. And for once you deserve to have what makes you happy. But then I thought…” He didn't need to finish that sentence. Dean knew. He thought he didn't love him. “I understood though. How could you? After everything I'd done? Didn't mean it hurt any less though.”

Oh God. He knew it was coming. He wasn't able to hold it back no more. He darted his eyes towards his brother. He suddenly didn't care that his brother was going to know everything. All that mattered was making Cas believe he did deserve happiness. That he deserved so much more. 

“You do.” Cas's eyes widened, unsure of what he was talking about. Dean took a deep breath. “You deserve to be happy. Time and time again you've come to our rescue, without another thought for yourself. You've given up everything for us. But… You deserve more, more than me.”

Tears slowly slid down his cheeks and he watched as Cas wipe them away with the tips of his fingers. “We're never going to agree. It's always going to be this competition between us, isn't it? We'll always think each other deserves more. It's a never ending cycle.”

He was right. This was never going to end. They were never going to agree. 

“Do you really want to forget?” Cas sounded so broken, so hurt by the thought. It tugged painfully at Dean's heart. 

“Yes.” It was barely a whisper but Cas heard it. He dropped his hand, sucking in a breath of shock. Tears now filled his eyes. And yet again Cas's blue eyes were filled with understanding. Why the hell did always have to be so understanding? 

“I can make you forget.” His voice cracked with emotions.


	5. chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has commented, added kudos and bookmarks. Thank you to anyone who has subscribed as well. Please continue to do so. They really do mean the world to me. Thanks again.

He knew what he was offering, knew that he truly could make him forget. But did he want to? Would he be rid of this constant pain? And what about Cas? “What about you?”

Cas smiled sadly at him and Dean knew. Cas would always remember, nothing would change that. He would always feel that pain. He would always feel that love. It would always be with him every time he looked at Dean, it would always be with him every time they talked. But Dean wouldn't share that pain, wouldn't feel it, wouldn't understand why Cas was hurting all the time. He couldn't do that to him. As much as he did want to forget, as much as he did want to be rid of this hurt, he couldn't let Cas be alone in this. 

“No.”

Cas looked shocked for a moment, then confusion filled those pretty blue eyes of his. “Why? I thought you wanted to forget.” 

“I do. But… You wouldn't. You would feel it all. I can't leave you alone in this, with no one to talk to or… I just can't do that to you. It isn't fair. Plus it feels like kind of cheating, like the easy way out.” He shrugged his shoulders as though it wasn't a big deal. He dropped his eyes to the floor, feeling the heat rise within him. Could he have been any more corny. 

When he looked up, he shifted backwards by the weight of those piercing eyes staring straight through his soul. What was it he saw there? Hope maybe? He looked away again, afraid of giving in to these feelings. He couldn't do that. He had to protect Cas, protect him from him. Dean knew he would hurt the man eventually, it was just a matter of time. But then again he was hurting now. If Cas got in too deep, though, if they both got in too deep, it would be a thousand times worse. 

Sam coughed uncomfortably, bringing both of their attention to him. Dean felt nervous. Had his brother worked out what's going? Will he be disgusted? Would he get all bitchy about how Dean was hurting Cas? Or would he just be plain shocked and unsure as to how he was suppose to react? 

“Someone wanna tell me what's going on?” He sounded annoyed and frustrated. He was the smart one and he couldn't figure out what was going on. 

Dean looked back at Cas, opening his mouth, unclear as to what he was expected to say. Before he had a chance to form any sort of reply in his mind, Cas was answering. “No, Sam. It's not important.”

“The hell it isn't, Cas.” Dean sensed the bubbling anger within his brother, the frustration turning poisonous. 

Cas turned to face his brother, finally looking away from Dean. Dean tore his eyes away and to Sam, wondering what Cas was going to say next. He knew he should jump in and say something, anything, but Cas seemed to have a pretty clear picture of what he was going to say. “It's not, Sam. This has nothing to do with you. You and Dean are not in any immediate danger. This-” he gestured between himself and Dean, “-is between the two of us.”

Feeling his lips twitch with amusement, he struggled to hold the smile back. One point to Cas. He was right as well, this had nothing to do with Sammy. Besides there wasn't much to tell. Dean had made it pretty clear where he stood and Cas seemed like he was going to accept it. His brother didn't find it funny, though. If looks could kill, both Cas and himself would be long dead. “It does have something to do with me if Dean is going to take a swing at me because of this non-important thing that's going on between you two.”

This is where Dean should step in, assure him that it was a one time thing, not going to happen again. Maybe say he was sorry, that he hadn't been thinking. Yet again, Cas beat him to it. “It will not happen again, I can promise you that. We have come to an understanding now, and things are fine.”

Dean felt the confusion wash through him as he snapped his eyes to the angel. Had they come to an understanding? He didn't think so. Cas was still hurting because of him. All they understood was that Dean didn't want to take the easy way out. “Right. But whatever the hell is going on, you've just offered to erase Dean's memory. That's pretty huge. And… Dean doesn't seem to think you've come to any understanding.”

Cas abruptly turned his head to look at him. He must be showing his confusion and Sam, of course picked it up. Cas looked back at his brother. “I haven't voiced the understanding. So, if you would be so kind as to leave us to some privacy...” Cas gestured to the corridors and Sam sighed, rolling his eyes. 

“Fine.” He took off pretty quickly, leaving the two of them alone again. 

Dean felt his heart pick up speed, felt the slickness of his sweaty palms. What understanding could Cas suddenly have come to? Would Dean actually agree to it? Cas obviously thought so if he's calling it an understanding. He watched cautiously as Cas turned to face him. Dean sucked in a sharp breath as the weight he was carrying was obvious in his blue eyes. Dean waited patiently for him to start talking. This was his show now. 

Cas took a step forward. “I understand that you want to forget, but you don't want me take your memories. I understand that you don't want this… me. Not as much as I want you anyway. You say you''re trying to protect me because I don't deserve you, I understand why you think that.”

“What are you saying?” Dean felt his heart thud in his chest. This was the moment he was about to loose his best friend and it was all because he couldn't fight the urge to kiss him in that damn warehouse. He swallowed past the lump in his throat, felt the soreness from where he was desperately holding back the tears. 

“I'm saying I understand. I will always be your friend and I hope you still think of me as such. But..” And there it was, that big, resounding 'BUT'. “But I can't be around you socially at the moment. Any threats or business, don't hesitate to call me. I will always come. For now, I just need to keep my distance.”

Dean was selfish. He already knew that, that's why he wanted to protest against it. He wanted to keep him close, keep him safe, indulge in the sexual tension between them, silently, of course. It wasn't a good idea and he understood why Cas needed space. “For how long?” He couldn't keep the longing out of his voice, couldn't keep the hope out. Yes, he hoped. He hoped for Cas to eventually return, hoped they would still be friends. This hasn't destroyed them, it can't have. This can't be what breaks them, not after everything they'd been through. 

Cas's eyes filled with sadness and some of his own longing. He didn't want this any more than Dean did, he realised, and that did fill Dean with hope. Because he wanted to stay, he wanted to be near him. No, he needed this. This was something he needed to do. “It won't be forever, I promise.”

Dean nodded his understanding. Cas didn't know how long, but he promised he would return, that was enough for Dean. “Okay. Just… be careful.” 

Cas twitched his lips into a crooked smile. “Of course. The same to you.”

Dean offered a sad smile and waited patiently for him to leave. He could sense the hesitancy. He really didn't want to leave. Cas roamed his eyes across Dean, making him feel slightly self-conscious, but he knew what he was doing, so he stayed quiet. This was Cas saving him to his memory because he really didn't know when he'd return. 

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Cas turned to leave. “Goodbye, Dean.” 

“Bye, Cas.” 

Then he was striding across the library, up the steps and the sound of the bunker door slamming shut echoed throughout, leaving Dean to feel hollow and alone. He was really gone. Doubt wormed its way in. Maybe he should have fought to make him stay. Even as he thought it, he rejected that thought because seriously, what did Cas have to stay for? Dean couldn't offer him what he wanted, what he needed. 

He heard Sam shuffle into the room and he turned to face him. Instantly Dean recognised the signs. They were the same signs that he always used when he was about to question everything Dean did. Before he could say anything, Dean beat him to it. “Not now, Sammy.”

With a heavy heart he moved past his brother, heading to his room. He wondered briefly how Cas would be when he returned. Would he treat him differently? Would he keep his distance from Dean? Or would he still be hurting? 

He hoped neither would happen. He hoped when Cas returned, they would be back to normal. Friends and none of this awkwardness. It was too much to hope for. Things would always be different, that much obvious. 

He slumped into his room and threw himself at his bed, landing face first into the pillows. He groaned with the weight of it all. He thought about moving, getting himself his bottle of good whisky to drown it all away, but he couldn't be bothered to move. His limbs were aching, his eyes strained. He was tired of it all, tired of feeling this way, tired of hurting everyone, tired of thinking. He tried to numb his mind, tried to empty his brain of all thoughts, even ones that weren't about Cas. It didn't work. The guilt was starting to consume him, started to wrap itself around his stomach, making him want to throw up. 

Why did he have to be a shitty person? Why couldn't he just give Cas what he needed? He knew why, of course, because he couldn't allow himself to feel anything more for the angel, couldn't dissect what he was feeling. If he did then who knows how much more hurt Cas could get. Yes, he was hurting now, but this was nothing compared to what will happen in a month, six months or even a year. Eventually Cas would get so hurt that their friendship would be turned to ash. At least this way there was a chance for them salvage what they had left. There was a slither of hope of them coming out the other side intact. Dean tried to hold on to the slither of hope as much as he could, it will be the only reason he gets up in the morning, it will be the only reason he will force a smile, the only reason he will be able to get through each day. 

Another groan as he shifted so he was lying on his back. His eyes glazed over as he stared at the ceiling. His thoughts were running a million miles an hour. All about the one and only angel in a trench coat. He hoped Cas would be okay. He wondered briefly what steps Cas would take to ensure he got over Dean. 

A stab of pain shot through his chest at that thought. Selfishly, he didn't want Cas to get over him. He enjoyed how he looked at him, how he meant the world to the angel. When, or if, Cas ever got over his feelings, over him, that would all be gone. He would no longer look at him as though he was the most important man in the world, would no longer look at him as though he wanted to completely devour him in one. 

Abruptly, he sat up, his eyes wide and his breaths coming short and fast as panic surged through his veins, setting them on fire. Had he made a mistake? Should he just give up and give in? No longer would he feel that warm, comforting gaze upon him. Dean closed his eyes, tried to picture what Cas would look like without all that love and want and need. A shiver ran down his spine at the image his imagination cooked up. Hard, cold, detached eyes. No smiles. All business. No longer would Dean be able to laugh with him, or talk with him. It will always be about the next immediate threat. Then one day, he could picture it now, clear as day, he would call for the angel, in need of some help, and he wouldn't come. He would just vanish from their lives without so much as a goodbye. 

He jumped from his bed and started pacing. God, he hoped he was wrong. He hoped that Cas would come back, still be as warm and as inviting as the day he left, still will be his best friend, his family. 

A knock startled him and he froze. It was Sam. Who else would it be? But did he really want to answer. His brother was sporting a disapproval look, he thought to himself. He's probably come to lecture him about what had happened out in the library, or he's come to get more information on the matter. Either one didn't sound appealing. He gulped past the lump in his throat as he waited silently, not daring to move, hoping he would hear his brother sigh in defeat on the other side of the door before moving away. Dean would be able to hear his footsteps growing quieter and quieter, and with each step he would sag even more with relief that yet again he dodged another bullet. 

Unfortunately, that didn't happen. His brother's voice sound muffled and a little annoyed. “Dean? I know you're in there.” Dean couldn't say anything, didn't want to. Maybe his brother would think he'd missed him, maybe he would think that he'd tip-toed out of the bunker to get drunk without his noticing. Of course that was just too much to hope for. “I think I've found us a hunt if your interested.”

A hunt? Hell, yes. He could get on board with that. The perfect distraction. He ripped the door open to see Sam's smug smiling face. He chose to ignore it as the excitement thrummed through him. He was finally going to take some of his frustration and anger out on some poor monster. “Well? What we waiting for? Let's go.”

He shoved past his brother and moved down the corridor. A small twinge of satisfaction shot through him at the sight of his brothers shocked expression. He could hear his brother hurrying behind him, trying to keep up. Dean found that amusing considering he was a lot taller than him and should have no trouble taking longer strides to stay on par with him. “Don't you want to know where we're heading?”

Dean shook his head. “You can tell me when we're on the road. For now, let's get the hell outta here. I'm dying to kill something.” 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

It hadn't taken them long to pack their supplies, their weapons, and load them in the trunk of his Impala and Dean had been thankful for that. Sam didn't bother questioning him about Cas, another small mercy, but he could see the sideways look of concern every couple of minutes as they drove down the long winding road that led from the bunker. He knew his brother wanted to find out about him and Cas, could sense it coming of him in waves. Sometimes his brother was too curious for his own good. 

Dean chose to ignore it as he pressed his foot the floor, his hands gripping the steering wheel. Instead he chose to keep on track with this hunt. “So, where we heading?” He shot his brother a sideways look who had finally decided against bringing anything up Cas. 

Sam sighed before pulling out a file from his bag in the back seat. Once he was seated again, he flipped through the pages till he found the one he was looking for. “It's about an hour away, in the next town over. Three murders, all with their hearts ripped out.”

“So, werewolf?” Dean asked, shooting his eyes to his brother before landing them back on the road. 

“That's what I thought. Until I read that their blood had been drained as well.”

Dean shot him a surprised look. “Or vampire then?” 

Sam shrugged. “I've no idea what to make of it. Thought it was best we check it out.” 

Dean smirked. “Hell, yeah. Let's do this.” With nothing more needing to be said. He pressed a button on the tape player and allowed the music to wash over him, ridding him of any thoughts that didn't involve this case.

\- SUPERNATURAL -

He should be looking for Kelly. 

As he looked out over vast expanse of fields, he knew he should be looking for the girl. He had no idea where to start looking for her. Plus his heart wasn't really in it. All could think about was Dean, about how sad he looked when he said he needed distance for a while. He knew what he was trying to say, Dean knew too. He could see it in his eyes. Him needing distance, it was to get over Dean. But how? How does one suddenly stop loving someone. 

He turned from the fields, about to vanish but paused. He was about to go to Dean. Dean was always the one he would go to for things like human emotions and such. But this time he couldn't do that. This time the human emotions he needed advice on had everything to do with him. He couldn't go up to him and ask him how he should get over him. That wasn't fair on either of them, especially Dean. 

His next thought was Sam. But he quickly shook that idea off. Sam would be more than willing to help, of course he would. He would say something to Dean, he always would. He would find something to disapprove of. If it got back to Dean that he'd spoke to Sam about this… he would kill him. No, he couldn't do that. 

So, what was he suppose to do? He had no idea how to even begin to get over these feelings, he had no one to talk to either. He glanced around at his surroundings, completely at a lost. He was just about to give up and start his search for Kelly, when a prayer sounded in his head. “Cas? Its Sam. We need to talk. Something's going on with Dean.”

Castiel didn't hesitate. He vanished immediately and landed in front of Sam. He cocked his head to the side as Sam let out a startled breath. “Is Dean okay? Is he hurt?” Panic and fear startled to overwhelm him. He couldn't lose him, no matter how much he wanted his distance, they couldn't leave things like that. 

“Oh, he's fine. Physically, anyway.” 

Castiel rolled his eyes in annoyance. Sam had cornered him. This was his way of getting the truth out of him. “So what's wrong with him?”

Sam looked nervous, really nervous. He kept his gaze diverted to the concrete parking lot outside the motel. Something was going on and he really hated that he didn't know. “He's not himself.” 

“I don't understand.” Castiel tilted his head to the side and waited patiently for Sam to clear things up. 

Sam finally looked up and looked him straight in the eye, frustration evident. “He seems his normal, happy self, especially when I mentioned a job. But… his smile is fake and sometimes I catch him gazing into the distance as though his mind is drifting to something else. I need to know what's going on, Cas, so I can help him. Or better yet, you can talk to him. I'm not stupid, I know something is going on between you. So whatever is going on, it needs to be fixed.”

Castiel was taken aback by Sam's little speech. What would Dean have to feel upset about? This is what he wanted, wasn't it? He wanted to do what Sam said, he wanted to charge towards Dean, reassure him that everything will be okay, but he couldn't. He needed distance, and he meant it. Going to him wasn't the best idea. “I can't go and talk to him. But perhaps if I told you what is going on maybe you can talk to him.”

Sam's eyes lit up at that as he pulled himself straighter. “Really?”

Castiel nodded. “Yes. I think Dean wouldn't approve, though.”

“Never mind what Dean doesn't approve of. He needs someone to talk to.” 

Again, Castiel nodded, darting his eyes away fro a second. He took a deep breath and told Sam about his feelings for his brother. Told him that Dean probably feels the same way, but won't allow himself to feel it. Told him the reasons why. Told him that he, himself, has come to accept this and has decided on space for a little while. Told him how he accepted it so easily because he too feels like he doesn't deserve Dean. When he finally finished he had felt like a weight had finally been lifted from his shoulders. Sam's eyes were wide with shock.

“Wait! You started to sleep together?” 

Castiel rolled his eyes in frustration. “Out of all I told you, that's what you pick up on?”

Sam shook his head and closed his eyes. When he opened them again they were full of anger and determination. “I can't believe this. Okay first of all, you are both a couple of idiots. Dean, more so. Secondly, now it makes sense. I understand why he's acting the way he is.”

Castiel's eyebrows shot up. “Why?”

Sam shook his head. “Dean is afraid things will be different when you return. He's afraid that he will have lost you.” Sam knitted his brows together in concentration. “I think… I think he's afraid you will stop loving him.”

Castiel felt that small slither of hope again and he desperately started to push it down. “Why? He's the one that made it very clear to me that he can't allow himself to return those feelings. Why would he care if I stop or not?”

Sam sighed. “Because whether he wants to or not, he does feel those things. He's trying to pretend that you trying to get over him isn't bothering him. But it does. You need to talk with him.”

Castie let out a sigh of his own. He suddenly felt very tired. He hated these yo-yo emotions. One minute he would be sad and angry and disappointed and the next he'd be confused and hopeful. Sometimes all at the same time. “I can't talk to him, Sam. He's made it very clear how he feels.”

Sam took a step closer, his eyes softening with compassion. “Yeah, he did. Thing about Dean is when it comes to any kind of emotions, he needs a massive push. If you just give up on him at the first hurdle, he will believe that he deserves it, that he wasn't meant for anything like that. He will resist, maybe for a long time. But… I think he will eventually cave.”

Sam was right. The amount of times Castiel had to push Dean to talk to him about certain things… Perhaps he should take Sam's advice. There was that slither of hope, sparking up again, growing bigger and bigger. Truth be told, he didn't want to get over Dean, he didn't think it was possible anyway, so maybe a new approach would be good. 

He was about to ask how he should proceed with that plan when the sound of a startled gasp behind him made him freeze, his blood running cold. He turned to find Dean, staring at him with wide eyes, no not just him, both of them. He heard Sam gulp, nervously. If Sam was nervous then maybe he should start to panic. Nobody said anything and the need to fill the silence became too strong to ignore. “Hello, Dean.”

He watched with fascination as Dean narrowed his eyes on him, the shade of them darkening slightly. “Cas.”

A cough sounded from behind him but Castiel never allowed his gaze to waver, not once, and neither did Dean. “I will be… somewhere else,” Sam sounded uncomfortable, with good reason. Dean's eyes narrowed in on his brother as he watched him walk away and the sound of the door echoed through the car park. 

“You told him, didn't you?” Dean sounded very angry and Castiel forced himself to keep his feet firmly planted to the ground. If Dean wanted to take a swing at him, Castiel would let him, after all, he did divulge information to his brother that was very private. 

“He was worried about you.” He managed to keep his tone neutral, managed to keep his emotions out of his eyes. Dean didn't need to deal with his feelings as well as his own. 

Dean took a step towards him. “You had no right, Cas.”

“Why are you bothered? None of this matters to you.” He knew he was treading on dangerous ground, but he needed to get a rise out of him, needed to get him to slip up and the best way to do that was to dredge up those feelings. 

Dean's eyes softened. “Of course it matters to me.”

Castiel cocked his head to the side. “Why? You've made things very clear.”

“Cas, it still matters to me, you still matter to me.”

Castiel was starting to lose his self-control. Why couldn't he just accept that he wanted this? Why couldn't he just accept what he was feeling? “Fine. I need to go.”

He turned to leave. “Why?”

“You know why. This is what you want isn't it? For me to get over you? To stop loving you? To feel nothing for you?”

“That's not what I want!” Dean yelled, his face turning red from frustration. Castiel's eyes widened in shock. He hadn't expected that to be so easy. 

He walked towards him till they were inches apart. “What do you want then? You don't want me, you can't love me, as you say. But you're willing to allow me to carry on feeling this way? How is that fair? Either you ask me to stay and we try to be something or I will go and try to get over you. What do you want?”

Dean's eyes darted to the floor. Castiel could feel his heart sink with disappointment. He wasn't going to ask him to stay, he was going to let him walk away. The pain shot across his chest. He sighed and started to turn when a large hand grabbed his wrist. He looked up into those green eyes, confused. His eyes were wide now and… nervous. 

For a long moment neither said anything and just as Castiel turned to leave again, he heard it. It was barely a whisper but he'd hurt it and that's when the hope rose again. 

“Stay.”


	6. Chapter 6

The feel of those bright blue eyes, raking up and down his face, sent a small thrill down his spine. Disbelief clouded over his features, and for a moment neither one of them said anything. Dean couldn't quite believe he'd said it himself. Of course he wanted him to stay, of course he couldn't just watch him leave, watch him get over him. But could he really do this? Could he finally allow himself to feel this love? Could he really be this selfish? God, he wanted to, so badly that it hurt. It wasn't about what he wanted, though, it was about whether he should. 

Cas opened his mouth a couple of times, unsure of what he should say, and if it had been any other situation, any other time, Dean would have laughed at the sight. He sucked in a sharp breath as Cas reached up and stroked the back of his hand down his cheek. It was such a loving gesture that Dean felt the urge to pull away, to recoil from it, his thoughts returning to their original factory settings – he didn't deserve this. He chose to stay, chose not to move as his heart rapidly pounded against his ribcage, bursting to break free. 

“Are you sure?” Cas's voice was soft, understanding. Dean was sure he would understand if he chose to walk away and forget that he'd uttered such a simple, yet complicated word. 

Was he sure? He darted his eyes to where his brother was in the motel room. His brother hadn't seemed shocked, or disgusted. In fact he seemed to be okay with it all, giving Cas advice on how to deal with him. If Sam was okay with it then maybe, just maybe he should think about it. He thought to everything they'd done together, everything they'd both suffered, everything they'd both lost. Cas deserved to be happy, there was no doubt about that. But did he deserve it? 

He thought to what could happen if allowed this, if he allowed himself this little slice of happiness. Dean could hurt him. Cas could hurt him. But they could laugh, they could smile, they could be happy. And the sex? From what they'd already experienced before, the sex could be really amazing. Then he thought to what would happen if he told Cas to leave, that they couldn't do this. Cas would only come when needed. Cas would finally stop loving him, moving on with his life. They would never be able to be friends, not like they were before, there would always be this tension between them. 

Bottom line was there was a hell of a difference between could and would. Could he live with things if Cas walked away? He didn't think he could. Not only would he be denying himself of that happiness, he would be robbing Cas of his as well. Nothing was set in stone. There was no guarantee's what would happen. If he did this, he would be taking a huge leap of faith. But isn't that what love is? 

He took a couple of steps backwards, his back hitting his Impala, and he leant casually against it, his arms across his body as he took in the sight of the angel. God, he looked amazing, really amazing. He latched his eyes onto Cas's, who was looking at him with patience and caution. He was unsure of what was going through his mind. “I want to be.” He kept his voice soft, laced with care and love. 

Cas closed the distance between them and Dean fought against his natural urge to push away, instead keeping his eyes firmly locked onto Cas's. “You're allowed to be happy, Dean.”

“So are you.” 

Reaching up again, he cupped Dean's chin in his and brought his face to a mere inch away. Dean felt his heart speed up, felt the nerves rack his body, felt his mouth dry up. He licked his lips, trying to moist them a bit but froze when Cas's eyes caught the movement and his gaze darkened with arousal. He gulped, loudly and he silently cursed himself. “Stay,” he repeated. As he said that one word he knew he couldn't go back, even if he wanted to. He needed him to stay, needed to try and make this work because the thought of losing him was too painful to even think about any more. It was no longer an option. 

Cas's eyes brightened with pure happiness as he digested what Dean was saying. Then he closed the gap, placing his wet lips on his. It was soft, gentle and hesitant. It wasn't enough. Dean pushed forward, putting on the pressure and Cas finally responded by opening his mouth. He darted his tongue inside, tasting Cas's luscious mouth. It made his head dizzy with arousal, made his cock leak with pre-come, made it beg to be free. 

Dean pulled away, panting. They couldn't do this here. They were in the middle of a parking lot, outside a seedy motel, with Sam mere metres away. There was no way they could. But, God, he wanted to. Their first proper time should be in his bed back at the bunker, where they could take their time, enjoy each other, love each other properly. But he knew as soon as he thought it Cas wouldn't care where they were, he would still love him, would still show him, would still make it amazing. 

Mind made up, he pulled the back door open to his Impala. Cas raised his eyebrows in confusion but Dean didn't say anything. Instead he grabbed the lapels of the angels trench coat and manoeuvred him to lay in the back seat. Cas got the message, instantly sliding up the bench seat. Dean hovered over him, slamming the door shut. 

To say he was nervous was an understatement. He'd been inside Cas, knew what he felt like, but that wasn't what he wanted, not really. The only reason he'd done that was because he needed control over the situation. This time will be different. He will show Cas just how much he wanted him. This wasn't going to be a quick fuck, this was going to be so much more. 

Dean bent down and kissed him greedily, the hunger consuming him. He heard Cas groan, the lust in his voice sending shock waves through to his cock. Dean hummed appreciatively. Without breaking the hungry kiss, he reached down and slowly undid Cas's slacks. He broke the kiss, instantly missing the loss of those warm lips, and stared into the depths of Cas's eyes, sending a silent question. He wanted to make sure he was okay with this, that he was one hundred percent sure, because if there was even a sliver of doubt, they could end this right here and now. Cas, however, was looking at him with such need and want that it made Dean shake with his own need. 

Not breaking the eye contact, he gently pushed his fingers past the waistband of Cas's boxers that was now visible. He felt the curls of the man's pubes and froze. He closed his eyes, took in the feel of the hair beneath his finger tips, took in the feel of Cas's breath across his heated cheeks, took in the pounding of his heart and the feel of his own cock pressing firmly into his own jeans. 

He felt two large hands cup either side of his face and his eyes sprang open. Cas was looking at him cautiously. This was nothing like he'd ever felt before. This wasn't just a meaningless sexual experience and Cas knew that, he understood what this meant. Dean offered him a reassuring, crooked smile as he slowly moved his hand lower. His fingertips grazed the base of Cas's smooth, hard cock and both men groaned at the contact. 

Dean placed his lips on Cas's again, gentle and loving as he wrapped his hand around Cas's arousal, gripping it firmly. Cas groaned with pleasure and bucked his hips up into Dean's hand. Slowly, he started to move his hand up and then down, twisting gently with each move. Cas squirmed beneath him, breaking away from the kiss, throwing his head back, eyes closed. Dean watched in awe as Cas, angel of the lord, started to come undone in front of his eyes. He started to speed up the process, wiping the tip of his finger across the bulging head of the erection. Cas shivered and groaned again. Dean felt the wetness of the pre-cum and he briefly wondered what it would taste like. 

Without much thought, he pulled his hand free from Cas's boxers, releasing his cock. Cas's eyes sprang open with confusion, but soon his eyes clouded over with lust as he watched Dean lick at his fingers. The pre-cum slid smoothly down his throat and he hummed at the taste. It was sweet and so amazing. He wanted more. So much more. 

Before he could formulate what he wanted to do in his mind, he allowed a yelp of surprise to escape his lips at a sudden movement. He was now on his back and hovering above him was Cas, looking at him darkly. Dean was about to ask what he thought he was doing, after all this was suppose to be Dean showing Cas just how much he wanted him, needed him. He didn't get a chance to say anything because a sudden rush of cold air hit his now free cock. He looked down and low and behold, he was completely naked from the waist down. 

Cas licked his lips as he trained his eyes on Dean's erect arousal. He felt vulnerable and exposed under those penetrating blue eyes, but that feeling soon vanished when Cas bent down, hovering over him, lips inches away from Dean's, eyes locked and cocks smashed together between their heated bodies. 

Dean felt his heart pounding in his chest as his breaths started to come faster and faster. Cas was moving his hips, rubbing the two cocks together, slowly and experimentally. “Cas...” he groaned with pleasure, it came out almost as a beg because he wanted, needed, so much more than this small friction. 

Cas moved his lips closer, his breath ghosting across Dean, their eyes still trained on one another. The angel didn't stop his movements, instead he sped up. “What do you want, Dean?” he whispered and Dean released a lungful of air. 

He licked his lips and watched with amazement as Cas followed the movement with his eyes. They darkened even more, something Dean didn't know would be possible if it didn't just happen. “You, inside me, now.”

Cas smiled and placed a hungry kiss upon his lips, which Dean returned in favour. Then the warm body above him was gone and he whimpered with the loss. Closing his eyes, trying to remember what it had felt like to have Cas rutting against his cock. A small twinge of panic settled in. Maybe Cas had changed his mind, maybe this was payback for everything he'd put him through. He threw that thought away, Cas wasn't like that, he wasn't vindictive. He told people how it is and if you didn't get on board then tough shit. 

A shock raced up his body as he felt a slicked finger prodding at his entrance. Dean opened his eyes and latched them onto those blue ones again. Cas was looking at him with wonder and love. Slowly, too slowly for Dean's liking, he pushed the finger in, past the ring of muscles and flicked his finger carefully, experimenting. Dean moaned and wriggled. It stung a little, but he could also feel the pleasure and it made him want more of it. He pushed his ass down onto the finger and moaned again just as Cas let out a small gasp. 

Cas held still for a moment, and then deliciously slowly, he pulled his finger almost all the way out and then pushed it back in. “Mmm!” Dean loved the feeling of it, loved the pleasure of it. Without any warning, he pushed another slicked up finger in, right along the first. Dean could feel the stretch, could feel the fullness of it, could feel the pleasure humming through his system. Cas didn't move his fingers, instead he rose up and over Dean. Reaching up with his other hand, he gripped Dean's chin between his fingers. The look in his eyes took his breath away, pure love, that's what it was and for a moment, doubt started to take form in his mind. Was he really deserving of that love, he didn't think so. 

“You're amazing, Dean.” Dean didn't have a chance to respond before those fingers started to move in and out of his gaping hole. He groaned loudly at the feel of it, hitting his prostate. 

“Fuck, Cas.” Cas started to scissor his fingers and fuck if that didn't feel amazing.

Then the fingers were gone, leaving Dean to feel empty and a horrible whimpering mess on the back seat of the Impala. Cas chuckled before moving away, Dean closed his eyes, knowing what was going to come next. He'd never taken it up the ass before, never once been interested, so being nervous kind of went with the territory. He knew Cas would be gentle with him, would know he would be overly cautious of the pain he was giving to Dean, but that didn't make him feel any less nervous. 

He felt Cas's body over his again and Dean sucked in a sharp breath, awaiting for the pressure down below. All he could hear was Cas's heavy breathing, all he could feel was the gentle caress of his cheek. He wanted to open his eyes, wanted to look deep within Cas and see the love for him, but he couldn't, all he could concentrate on was the prodding of the erection between his ass cheeks. 

The head of Cas's heated erection pushed past the ring of muscles, the pain was instant and Dean somehow managed to force himself to stay absolutely still. Cas pushed his legs further up so that they were almost touching his chest, trying to get better access and still Dean couldn't bring himself to open his eyes or to breath. 

Cas held still and Dean was thankful for that. He didn't know how Cas had managed this. Had he been in constant pain? He shivered with that thought as the guilt started to worm its way in. He tried to push it away, this wasn't the time to feel that, he could allow that to plague him after. Cas pushed in a little bit more and Dean hissed through his teeth. Cas froze. 

“Dean, look at me.” He shook his head. He couldn't do that, not yet. He needed to concentrate on what was happening. “Please.” It was a plea and Dean obliged, latching his eyes onto Cas's. Concern filled them and Dean's heart constricted painfully. He was really worrying and Dean could tell that he was seconds away from pulling out, from letting it go for now. He couldn't allow that. He needed to do this, for Cas and for himself.

Reaching up, he gripped Cas's face in his palms and pulled him down towards him. He placed a desperate kiss on his lips which the angel hummed into. Just as the hum left Cas's throat, Dean pushed his ass down, filling himself up with angel cock. He hissed with the pain, feeling it spread throughout his ass. Breaking the kiss, he pressed his forehead to Cas's closing his eyes. 

The shivers were prominent coming from Cas and Dean knew he was struggling to stay still. A few seconds later, he placed his head back onto the seat and wriggled his hips, testing the waters. The pleasure shot through him, making him sigh and earning a groan from Cas. 

Cas took that as a sign to start moving. Slowly, he pulled out, leaving just the tip inside and then he thrust home, making Dean yelp as the pleasure coursed through him, making his cock twitch. Another thrust, and another, and another. Grunts and moans were the only sounds in the car, sweat dripped from their heated bodies. Dean gripped Cas's back. “Faster, Cas.”

Cas didn't hold back, thrusting full force of an angel into Dean, hitting his prostate every time. “Dean, it feels so good.”

Dean smirked but it soon vanished on the next thrust. There was so much pressure, so much pleasure. His cock twitched with need between their soaked bodies, trapped and desperate for attention. And still Cas didn't hold back, thrusting with so much power, grunting from his own pleasure. 

Their eyes locked and Dean reached up, kissing him full on the lips. Cas kept thrusting and Dean tried to meet each one with his own. His erection rubbing against both their clothed stomach's felt so amazing. “Fuck, Cas.”

Cas hummed against his lips and kept thrusting, in and out, in and out. Dean desperately tried to grip on to something, something that would keep him grounded, but there was nothing, so instead he gripped onto Cas shoulders, digging his nails in deep, drawing blood. Cas hissed with the sting of it but still kept up his relenting pace. Dean slid up the seat, his head now hitting the door. He could feel the pain of it but he didn't care, the pleasure overtook whatever pain he was feeling. 

Then he could feel the tightening in his balls and knew what was coming next. He was about to cum without being touched. “Cas, I'm so close.” 

Cas leant up, changing the position ever so slightly, making the pleasure increase, which Dean didn't think was possible. “Oh, fuck.” He closed his eyes, concentrating on the bubbling in his stomach, on the build-up of his impending orgasm. 

“Dean… Look at me. I need you to look me in the eyes as you let go.” Cas's desperate plea made him spring open his eyes and they instantly latched onto blue. The thrusts became more erratic, more uneven and Dean knew Cas was close. “Cum for me, Dean.”

With that one simple command, Dean exploded. His cum squirted across his stomach, warm and slick as he screamed with pleasure. He had never screamed during an orgasm before, but this feeling was so good and so euphoric, he needed that relief. His cock twitched between them as it let out string after string of delicious whiteness. Then Cas slowed his pounding and Dean could just about feel the angel filling up his gaping hole with his own release. Cas let out low growl that sounded like it came from deep in his chest. 

Finally the cum stopped and his cock twitched with the aftershocks. Dean shivered with the arousal that still swam through him. He watched in awe as Cas closed his eyes and shivered as well. The angel finally collapsed on top of him. Dean cradled his head, stroking soothing patterns across his head. He could feel Cas's cock twitch inside him and he groaned from the pleasure of it. 

Nothing could be heard but their heavy breathing and Dean revelled in it, loving how wiped out his angel was. He didn't know how long they led like that, but finally Cas pulled himself up slightly onto his elbows. His eyes shone with pure happiness and love it took Dean's breath away. The erection slipped wetly from his hole and he cringed as the sperm leaked down his ass, but chose to ignore it. 

He gazed up at the angel who was still staring at him with such devotion that Dean had this urge within him. He had to say it. Needed to say it. Slowly, ever so slowly, he reached up and stroked his hand through Cas's wet hair. “I love you, Cas.”

He watched Cas's eyes widen as he sucked in a sharp breath. Neither said anything and Dean felt the panic swirl within him. The urge to move away from the man above him sent the panic into overdrive. He was trapped beneath a man, trapped and vulnerable and exposed. He needed to gain the upper hand, he needed the control back. Cas didn't say anything. True he hadn't rejected his confession, but he hadn't exactly said it back. Dean's mind went full throttle with doubt. What if Cas wasn't ready to hear that?

He started to squirm, the panic consuming him. “Do you mean it?” Cas's voice broke through the panic and he froze, his heart started pounding again, dangerously fast. 

“What?” he squeaked through his harsh pants of air. He avoided looking the angel in the eyes, hating himself for putting himself out there like that. 

“Do you mean it? Do you really love me?” 

There was hope in his voice and Dean couldn't help but look him in the eye. Cas looked just as vulnerable and exposed as he did and he knew that he had to do this, for them both. “Yes.”

Cas broke out into a huge smile and through that grin he kissed Dean full on the lips. “I love you, too, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW! I really enjoyed writing that so much! Probably too much. Please let me know what you thought. This isn't the end yet, there is so much more I can do with this story. Please comment!!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the long wait. I couldn't decide where I should take this. After racking my brain for what seemed like weeks or even months, I finally decided to put fingers to keyboard and see where that gets me. So that's what I did. I'm not going to delve into why I kept this chapter the way it is yet, I want you to read it first. I feel I would just give way too much away otherwise. So I will explain a little at the end. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has supported this story so far. Your opinions and your advice is amazing and I can't seem to express how much it all means to me. Okay, so I am not going to ramble on and on about it. 
> 
> WARNING!!! Temporary Character Death! 
> 
> So here is where free-writing got me. I so hope you enjoy it. I can't wait to hear what you all think.

Things go back to normal after their moment in the Impala. Dean understood that Cas had a responsibility to find Kelly. Strangely, he was okay with that. He missed him, of course. All he could think about was the way Cas had surrounded him, how he had felt against him, inside him. But they both had obligations that sent them in different directions, he understood even if he didn't like it. 

Sam looked upon him, concern written across his face, as though he was waiting for Dean to break, to get angry. Dean never did. He went on as normal. Hunting things, killing things. They had even started to help Cas find Kelly. It was Sam's idea. His reasoning was the sooner they found Kelly, the quicker Cas could return to Dean. 

Dean should have been honest with his brother, with himself. He wasn't in any rush to have him back. Yes, he missed him. Yes, he wanted to feel him, touch him, kiss him. But the longer Cas stayed away, the more he had time to think, to regret it. No, he didn't regret what had happened, he just regretted the lead up to it. Shame filled him, guilt plagued him. He loved Cas with all of his being and somehow he felt he didn't deserve any kind of love in return. Cas was too pure, too loyal, too everything and Dean just didn't feel like he deserved anything from him. 

Cas had finally found Kelly and Dean felt a kind of relief at the news. He knew how Cas had felt guilt over letting her slip away, knew that he was trying to make it all okay by going to such lengths to protect her. Dean wanted to reassure him, tell him it wasn't necessary, they had all made misjudgements and that there was no shame in that. There was no point in saying any of that though, Cas wouldn't believe him anyway. 

Then came the betrayal. It hurt like a bitch, piercing through his very soul, making him cripple over in agony, clutching at his chest as the realisation swirled through his brain. Cas had apologised, Dean had forgiven him. But as he looked at the empty spot where his pillow once lay, he knew that Cas had used that apology as a ploy, to get what he was really after. The colt. 

Dean wanted to punch things, break things, kill things. He couldn't, not yet, needing to keep his head straight. They had to find him and fast. Cas didn't know. He didn't know they had found another way. 

As he drove through the night, with Sam sat next him, he thought back to how Cas had made him feel in the back of the very car he was driving. It had been amazing, it had felt so right. It had been two months ago and they hadn't done anything since, not even a kiss. A new kind of regret pushed at his insides. He wished that they could have one more kiss, he wished he had one more chance to whisper those three simple words that he didn't offer out so easily. 

As he watched the Impala pull away with screeching tires and Kelly driving, he cursed at the foolishness of leaving his keys on the seat. He knew where they were heading. He fixed up Cas's shitty truck and followed, again through the night. Sam stayed quiet, knowing too well that getting Dean to talk at the moment was not a good idea and Dean was silently grateful. 

This betrayal was worse than any of the others that came before. Maybe it was because he knew how he felt, maybe it was because he'd finally put his heart out there only to have it crushed and scarred. He didn't know if any of those reasons were the actual reasons or not, and he didn't care. All he cared about was getting Cas back, getting the situation rectified. That's all that mattered. His feelings didn't matter. Cas's feelings didn't matter. Not any more. 

As he watched the power surge from Kelly to Cas, he was struck with awe at the sight. He knew that the power came from the baby and it terrified him, more than anything had ever had before. He watched as Cas killed that bitch demon with power that wasn't his. Then he was waking up next to his brother. Cas was gone. Kelly was gone. The demon was dead. And for the first time in a long while he didn't know what to do next. 

He mourned Cas. He wasn't dead, so he he didn't mourn him like he was. He mourned what they had shared. He mourned that they would never share that again. Cas was gone, prey to that baby. He knew if he found him, it wouldn't matter. Cas would side with Kelly over him. He knew this. He accepted it for what it was. 

He drank more. It was like when he was back from hell. Trying to keep the pain and the memories at bay with that burning liquid he loved so much. He tried to forget. But this wasn't like hell. Hell he could forget, even for a few moments. These were emotions he was dealing with, something entirely different. There was no forgetting and there was no getting over it. 

The baby was close to being born now. Lucifer was going to find his son and claim him as his own if they didn't act fast. Sam was desperate, trying every trick he knew. But finally, after days of searching, finally they found them. They had found Cas. Dean drove with urgency, his foot pressed to the pedal, desperate to see him again, to make sure he was okay, as okay as he could be anyway. He hated himself for that, though. This wasn't about Cas, or him, or them. It was about saving the world from the most dangerous being that would have ever existed. He couldn't help it though. The worry wormed its way through, setting up home inside of him. 

When they had finally pulled up in front of that lonely house, he had felt nervous, knowing Cas wouldn't return his relief at seeing each other again. He would worry about Dean's purpose for being there, worry about that child that still hasn't been born yet, worry about Dean's intentions. Sam was the one to knock and they listened carefully to the movements inside. 

When Cas opened the door with wide, shocked eyes, he saw something he hadn't dared to hope for. There was definite relief and his own nerves was mirrored in those too blue eyes. Cas was nervous with Dean's presence. He pushed down the hope that was slowly crawling through his gut, hope that he was just nervous to see Dean after everything that had happened. Dean knew that couldn't be right though. He was nervous because this was where Kelly was and he knew that Dean had intentions of stripping the baby of its power. 

He didn't have time to analyse his feelings at that moment. They were against the clock in the worst possible way. He explained everything. About how Lucifer was on his way and they had to get Kelly out of there. Just as Cas was trying to explain that it was too late to move her, just as the realisation of what that meant made his eyes go round and his mouth slack, a scream pierced through the house. It was a blood curdling scream and if Dean didn't know what was happening he would have assumed someone was being tortured. 

His mother pushed past him, muttering something like how she'd go. Thank God, is all Dean could have thought. He looked from his brother to the angel and they both showed signs of gratefulness. None of them had ever dealt with anything like this before and none of them wanted to. 

They were back in that dreadful world again. Lucifer was there. Crowley was there. The plan was insane. So very insane. But as he watched Crowley stab himself with the angel blade, he felt a shiver run down his spine. This was it. This is where they capture the devil. But then Cas was moving towards Lucifer, a hard glint in his eyes, determination set in his body. 

He screamed for him. His voice begging him not to do this. He tried to run to him, to pull him back. But his brother pulled at him, telling him to hurry. Dean tried to release his grip on him, tried to go after the angel. He couldn't lose him. Not now, not ever. It didn't matter that they weren't in a good place. It didn't matter that they were no longer involved with each other. None of that mattered. The only thing that did was Cas. He was walking into a slaughter. 

Then his feet hit the solid ground. He glanced around at his surroundings. Their world. He was home. But this wouldn't be home any more if Cas wasn't there to share it with him. He stared numbly at the rip in the universe, watching as it grew smaller and smaller. This was his last chance to jump through, be with the angel in every possible way. His brother had a tight grip on him though, a very tight grip. He tried to wriggle free. 

Something happened. Cas was stood there. Dean froze, heart stilling at the sight of his angel standing before him, angel blade in hand and a small smirk playing across his lips. Dean wanted to run to him, to hold him and yell at him and punch him and so many other things. 

Cas's face dropped, his eyes widened. Then a bright light slowly grew brighter and brighter. Dean dropped his eyes to the angel blade that was protruding from his chest, the tip only showing. Dean yelled then. A loud, bellowing, rumbling, panic fuelled 'No'. The light spilled from his eyes, from his mouth, from his chest. Then it faded just as quickly and he dropped to the floor. Dean followed the movement with his eyes. It had happened as if in slow motion. This can't happen. Cas is dead. He's dead. Forever dead. There was no way God was going to bring him back again. In the pit of his stomach, he knew that. 

His eyes lifted to the person who had stabbed him. Lucifer's smirking form stood before them, twirling the angel blade in hand, a fake disappointment in his eyes as he sighed. Dean had never wanted to kill someone so much. Never this much. 

Words were exchanged. Then his mother was there. Then she wasn't. It all happened so fast. The tear closed itself, with Mary and Lucifer on the other side. His mother was gone. Cas was gone. Sam was the only constant thing left. But it wasn't enough. 

His brother ran back to the house. Dean knew the curiosity had gotten the better of him. He knew he needed to see that baby. That child that had brought them all to this moment. He couldn't follow him, not caring what lay behind those walls. Nothing mattered, not any more. 

He fell to his knees as he took in the sight of Cas's dead body on the floor. Never again would he hear that gruff voice that made his stomach twist in delicious ways. Never again would he see that playful smirk that made Dean offer a smile of his own. Never again. Regret started to fill him. He'd wanted to tell him one more time that he loved him, wanted to kiss him one more time. Why didn't he? He will never get that chance again. Never. 

Tears rolled down his cheeks, silently and hotly as he felt the pain of this loss. This wasn't like losing his brother or his father or Bobby or any of their other friends that had died for the Winchesters. This was nothing like that. This was the type of loss that made Dean want to die too. But he couldn't. He still had his brother. Sam needed him. He couldn't leave Sam alone to deal with Lucifer's son. Even if they didn't have that to deal with, he couldn't leave him alone. 

So he did what was expected of him. He lifted Cas's limp body, carried it inside the house. The body was heavy in his arms, grunting, inhaling the scent that was just so Cas. The tears have long stopped now, but he could feel them burning at the back of his throat. He needed to grieve for his friend, his angel, his love. He couldn't. Not now. Sam needed him. The world needed him. A part of him wanted to scream a big 'Fuck You' at the world. For once couldn't he just think about himself? That has never been his way though and it never will be. Gently, he placed Cas onto the dining room table, hesitating for only a moment. Leaving him down there on his own didn't sit well with him, but it had to be done. Sam had been gone for too long and everything was too quiet. He rushed from the room in search of his brother. 

It didn't take him long to locate him. He was standing frozen to the spot in front of him and Dean could tell instantly that he was in a state of pure shock. When Dean finally looked over his brother's shoulder, he understood why. 

Standing before them was young boy, blonde hair, pale skin, completely naked. That's not what shocked them though. It was the power that radiated from him, the golden glow in his eyes focusing on them. Rationality was what swam forth. This being before them was dangerous. He was Lucifer's son. He will eventually bring the destruction of the world. He will bring it to its knees in the worst possible ways. This creature must die. 

He knew it was impossible. A part of his brain tried yelling at him to stop, but all his hunters instincts kicked in. Anger surged forwards at the thought of Cas lying downstairs alone and dead. It was all this creatures fault. He manipulated Cas, told him of promises of paradise. He was what brought Cas to his death. 

Without another forethought, he gripped his gun tightly in his fist, pulling it free from the back of his pants. He shoved past his brother, who on his part, hadn't even realised Dean had joined them. Quickly, he raised the gun, pointing it straight at the creature before them. He knew this action was pointless. A simple bullet wasn't going to stop a being this powerful. But it was the only weapon to hand, and he had to do something, anything to get Cas the justice he deserved. 

In the far off distance, he had heard his brother yelling, panicked, telling him to wait. It was too late. His finger already pushed against the trigger, and the loud noise of the gun sounded throughout the quiet room. The bullet, with its immense speed, pushed through the air towards the creature. Dean watched with horror as the bullet did nothing to him, only knocking him off balance slightly. 

Nobody moved and to Dean it had felt like hours. The boy, looked upon him with anger and such furiousness, that Dean almost recoiled from it. But he held fast, waiting to see what would happen next. He wasn't going to back down, no matter how much it meant he would die. He was a hunter after all. 

The creature slowly raised its arms, opened its mouth and screamed. Dean felt the power radiating towards him, felt himself being suspended in mid-air. He tried to look at his brother, tried to see if the same thing was happening to him. He couldn't move, completely frozen. All he could see was the creature and the fury it powered out. 

Then he was released, being hurtled into the wall behind him.

Everything went dark. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

He was reluctant to leave Cas behind, but he new it was necessary. It didn't matter how much it pained him, how much he felt that inexplicable pull towards him. That pull, it left Dean confused. Why was he still feeling it? 

He pushed his car forward, trying to drown out his thoughts of the dead angel that he'd left behind. He knew he would have to deal with the body sooner or later, but for right now he needed to focus on finding Jack. 

Jack. It was such a normal name, a simple name for such a powerful being. It didn't feel right. Didn't sound right. Didn't roll of the tongue right. Nothing about him was right. 

He could feel eyes burning through the side of his face and he knew Sam wanted to talk. Low and behold, two seconds later, Sam was trying to pull him into a conversation about Cas. He didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want to acknowledge it, because if he did, he knew he would break and they couldn't afford that now. He shut his brother down quickly. His brother got the hint just as quickly, letting out a defeated sigh. 

Sam had insisted on trying that stupid chicken place or whatever the hell it was, convinced that if Jack was hungry he would go there. Dean didn't believe it for one second as he watched his brother enter through the glass doors. He let out a weary sigh, exhaustion taking over. His thoughts once again drifted their way into his mind, thoughts of that angel and his stupid trench coat that Dean really loved. He closed his eyes against the pain of seeing him in his mental eye, wearing the coat, wearing that suit that fit him just great, wearing that crooked tie that Dean imagined one day he would use it to pull him into a burning kiss. 

Having had enough, he violently climbed from his car, slamming the door with such force, Dean was sure the window would shatter. He flinched at the sound, but didn't turn to check on the only object that had stayed constant throughout his life. He didn't care at the moment, he needed to be on his own, away from prying his eyes, away from his brother. Just for a moment, he was going to allow all his pain to come to the surface, he was going to finally allow everything he was feeling to shine through and be out in the open. 

He rounded the corner of the building, glancing over his shoulder to ensure nobody could see. He took in a steadying breath and prayed like he had never prayed before. He begged, pleaded with Chuck to just this once give him this one wish. He'd done everything for this world, sacrificed everything and never once had he asked for anything in return. But now he was asking, begging him to just have this one good thing back. 

He waited a small heartbeat, hoping beyond hope that Chuck had heard him and would send Cas to him right away. But nothing happened and disappointment slithered its way through his stomach, twisting into tight knots. Of course he wouldn't be given this one thing. Of course he would be ignored. Did he expect anything less? The pain of the reality came crashing through him, making him want to vomit, not that he had anything to vomit up. Cas was gone. He was gone and he was never going to come back. That was the reality. 

Rage. So much rage zoomed through him, setting him on fire. What was he angry at? Chuck for ignoring him, yes. Angry at Cas for leaving him, for choosing that Kelly bitch over him, yes. But most of all, he was angry at himself. He could of stopped him, he could of done something, anything to stop this from happening. Instead he'd let his brother take control, he'd let Lucifer stab the only person he ever truly loved with everything he had. Now it was gone. 

The rage became too much. He punched at that stupid sign on that stupid door. Over and over again. He felt the skin break, felt the burning at his knuckles, even long after he stopped the action. As he made his way back towards his car, he knew then, staring at his bleeding fist, he knew. 

This time was different. Yes, Cas was gone. Yes, Cas has been gone before. But this time there was no moving forward. This time wasn't going to be so easy to pretend that his death didn't bother him. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

Sitting on the hood of his Impala next to his brother, he watched Jack with curious and frustrated eyes. His brother was right. They might be able to help him or use him or both. He was the only thing in the whole of existence that could help them get their mother back. 

He hated himself more than ever now, because while he'd been grieving for Cas, he'd forgotten that his mom was gone too. He didn't believe she was alive. Lucifer had probably killed her by now. But he couldn't diminish Sam's hopes of getting her back. He needed this, he needed something to focus on and if this was it then so be it. So Dean had agreed to help Jack, to help get his mother back. 

The drive back to that tiny house was silent. Dean was grateful for that. He knew what was to come next. He knew it was going to break his heart and nothing was going to mend it. Nothing except Cas that is. 

As he watched the fire billowing in front of them, as he watched Cas's body being burned to a crisp, he knew he was never going to be the same again. His body was already numb, no longer feeling the pain of this loss. Not wanting to. He'd closed himself off. There will only ever be one emotion left for him to feel, one emotion he will allow himself to feel from now on.

Anger. 

Anger will be what makes him survive. Anger will be what pushes him forward. Anger will be what keeps him fighting this losing war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wasn't going to dive right into the whole Kelly thing, but when I started writing this I thought, “WOW! This is actually good.” I also figured that Cas would go off and do his 'duty', and Dean would be so okay with that because that's their life, right? 
> 
> I'm not going into too much detail with following this story line, I'm also not going to dive into all the dialogue from the episodes. As I got further into writing it, probably halfway, it would be good to see what Dean's POV would be in these certain scenes. What was going through his head? 
> 
> I will probably carry on this way in the next chapter. I have an ending in mind. I'm not going to follow the story line too far ahead. I will probably dive straight into my own story again after the next chapter. But we'll see where my magic fingers will take me, shall we? 
> 
> So, anyway, please tell me what you thought. I've never done anything like this before. I've always done my own story based on the characters. I've done a few mentions of certain things from the main plot in the shows I've written about, but nothing like this. I'm actually really nervous at having posted this. So your thoughts on this chapter will mean absolutely everything to me. If you don't like it, that's cool. At least I will know never to attempt this again, lol. If you do like it, then it will be like a major confidence booster. So….
> 
> Please comment!!!!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the long wait. I hope you all weren't pulling your hair out in frustration. The thing is I was really ill then I struggled to get my head back into writing and then I couldn't find time to edit. Its just been go, go, go. Yet again, I am so sorry and I would like to thank you all for your patience. 
> 
> As an apology I have made this chapter a bit longer than I usually write. I hope it was worth the wait and it would mean the world to me if you could let me know your thoughts. I'm really anxious about this as it didn't quite come out the way I'd planned. So your opinions would be greatly appreciated.
> 
> Anyway, I think you've waited long enough, so here it is... finally!

Every time he looked at him, all he could see was Cas, dead and gone forever. He couldn't help it and deep down he knew that the kid meant well. He also knew that Sam was kind of right as well. But he couldn't help it. He hated him, he loathed him, he wanted to punch him. Perhaps demand that he die instead of Cas. Of course that wasn't going to happen. 

Sam was worried about him. He could see it in his eyes, every time he looked at him. Dean couldn't even mention the words 'Cas' and 'dead' in the same sentence. He swallowed down the pain, tried to drink it all away. Nothing worked. 

He hated his brother. All he was concerned about was getting into the kids good graces so he could use him for his own gain. Getting Mary back. He knew he should be totally on board with that plan, and it did make a little sense, okay, a lot of sense. But he couldn't bring himself to be kind to Jack. All he could see was the life draining from Cas's eyes. 

Sam had argued with him, talked down to him about how he was treating Jack. Dean had argued back with just as much passion. He wasn't ready to roll over and give in. Eventually, he decided a distraction was what they'd both needed. Sam, reluctantly agreed. A case it was. 

After solving the case, he'd come to the conclusion that perhaps he should just give in, perhaps he should just focus on finding his mother. It would give him the biggest distraction yet. He couldn't think about Cas, not any more. The pain of losing him was too deep, too dark, to gut wrenching. Every time he thought about their moment in the back of the Impala, he wanted to hurl. He should have tried harder to stop him, he should have done something, anything to keep him there with him. But he hadn't and now regret filled him to the brim. The hole that had pierced his heart when he saw the love of his life drop to his knees had been growing bigger and bigger. There was no way to stop it, nothing could fix this, except Cas. That wasn't going to happen any time soon. 

The smell of his baby was comforting, the vibration of the engine made him relax, the feel of the steering wheel beneath his hands made him content. He wanted to smile at the feeling of driving his beloved car, but he couldn't bring himself to. He stared out of the wind shield, watching the darkened road ahead. There were no other cars on the road, and for that he was thankful. He couldn't be bothered to keep an eye on other traffic. His mind was swimming with thoughts of Cas. God, he needed a drink. 

He turned to his brother, about to suggest they find a bar close by before heading back. His brother was squinting out of his side of the wind shield. Dean knew what that look meant. Sam had something on his mind, something that he wanted to discuss and he knew that Dean wasn't going to like it. 

His cell rang through the quiet, darkened car, making both brothers jump a little. Sam whirled his head around to face Dean, his eyes wide and surprised. Dean sighed, picking up his cell, facing back towards the road. He willed his heart to slow down before answering. Glancing down at the phone, he frowned with confusion, not recognising the number. He pressed the answer button and put it to his ear. “Yeah?” he grounded out through gritted teeth, unable to hide his bad mood. 

“Dean?” 

His heart completely stopped as the voice came through the speaker, then it picked up speed double time. His foot hit the break peddle, hard. It was an automatic response. The sound of squealing tires sounded through the quiet night as the car came to an abrupt halt. He could feel confused and curious eyes burning a hole through the side of his face, but he paid it no attention, instead focusing on trying to control his breathing. “Cas?” he breathed. Hoping beyond hope that this wasn't some sick and twisted trick. 

\- SUPERNATURAL -

His nerves were set on fire as he stared at the trench coat clad back. He was really there. He was really alive. Dean was acutely aware of his brother standing behind him, but he couldn't think about him. No, all he could think about was the angel stood in front of him, alive and well. A part of him thought that this was a trick, nothing but a cruel joke. A bigger part of him hoped that this was his angel. 

If it was, if this was really Cas back from the dead, what would happen now? Could he just forgive him for the betrayal, for him leaving again? He had to believe the answer was yes. Cas had died so many times in the short years that they'd known each other, but this time was by far the worse. 

He watched with wide, disbelieving eyes as Cas slowly turned to face them. Dean's heart hammered in his chest as he took in every feature, every movement. Cas looked shameful, as though he knew he'd done wrong by Dean. There was a little hope in those big, blue eyes of his. He didn't know what the angel was hoping for. Forgiveness, maybe? 

Dean wanted to run to him, to hold him, to tell him that of course he forgave him, after all, he was being controlled by an unborn child that wielded more power than anyone has ever seen before. Then again, he wanted to yell at him, punch him, lay into him about how gullible he was… again. 

“Cas?”

There were so many questions swirling round his brain. How could the angel be here? That was just one of many. He wanted to ask, wanted to get those answers, but he knew that he wanted to find out without his brother's presence. He wanted privacy. He turned to his Sam and tossed the keys to him, who was looking a little taken a back by the gesture. Dean ignored him, telling him to go take a drive for a while. Understanding clouded Sam's expression. His eyes darted anywhere but at the two other men. He was uncomfortable with the thought of what could possibly happen next. Sam slid into the driver's side of the Impala and started the engine. 

As Dean watched his brother drive off, he felt his his heart pick up speed, his nerves were starting to get the better of him. He knew what he wanted, no matter how angry he was at Cas, he knew what he was willing to forgive, he knew that no matter what, he wanted him still. After feeling the excruciating pain of his death, he knew he never wanted to be without him again. Yes, he knew all this, but what he didn't know was what Cas wanted. Did he still want him? Did he still think this was a good idea? After everything that had happened, there was a serious possibility that he didn't want to go there again, and knowing the angel like he did, it would be because he wanted to protect him. Cas was a stubborn son of a bitch, and if he had set his mind on protecting Dean, there would be nothing that would change his mind. 

The sound of laughter echoed from the other end of the road, deep rumbling laughs. Dean looked in that direction and spotted a group of drunken men. This area was too open for this conversation. He glanced up and down the road and his eyes landed on an abandoned warehouse a few feet away. Not looking in the direction of the angel, he gestured for him to follow. He did, silently. Cas knew he'd been in the wrong, and he was staying smartly mute at the moment, until the time came for him to answer Dean. 

Dean kept his walls up, needing to protect himself. Deep in his gut he could feel just how this was going to go, he could feel how badly this conversion was going to go. He could hear Cas walking behind him, following him blindly into the darkened building. The only light was what poured through the windows from the street lamps outside. There were boxes littered across the large open space. Rusted machinery dotted around the room. Cobwebs connected from corner to corner, on the roof, on the machines, on the boxes. Settled dust was thick across all surfaces which made Dean automatically let out small cough. 

He heard the large metal door close behind him, echoing through the empty room. He could feel Cas's presence behind him, could feel the warmth of him. He so badly wanted to turn around and grab him, kiss him, show him just how much he missed him. He did turn, but he didn't reach out, instead he clenched his fists as his side, hoping to hold back the urge. His eyes roamed over the shadows that flickered across the angels face. When his eyes caught blue ones, he gulped past the lump in his throat. Cas looked dejected, sorry and was silently waiting for Dean's explosion. On any other day, with any other situation, he probably would have erupted with rage. But as it was, he was just too happy to have him here alive. 

Neither of them said anything for the longest of times and Dean wondered how he was suppose to proceed. Should he start with the betrayal? About how much it hurt? Or should he start with something a bit happy, like how relieved he was to have Cas here again? 

“I'm sorry, Dean.” Oh, so it was Cas who had decided to speak first. He should have expected an apology, all the guy does is apologise for something. 

“For what?” He tried to keep the shake out of his voice, but was unsuccessful. He could feel the rage building inside him, could feel that at any given moment he could lose control. 

Cas dropped his eyes to the floor and Dean watched the shame fill him. Good, he should be ashamed. He left, he betrayed him and then he died, he should be regretful. “Everything.” 

Dean took a step towards him, unsure of what his next actions were going to be, all reasoning had fled now. The anger was pushed down and instead a mantra played on loop in his head. 'Cas is alive. Cas is alive. Cas is alive.'. “You're sorry for everything? That's very vague, Cas.” He took another step towards him, slowly, cautious of the angels reaction. Cas snapped his eyes back to Dean's. “I have a few things to tell you.” Confusion made Cas frown deeply and Dean knew he didn't know whether he wanted to hear it or not. Tough. He was going to listen whether he wanted to or not. 

“Dean?”

“You convinced me to take that leap of faith with us. I finally told you I loved you and what happened? You left, you betrayed my trust, my feelings.” Cas's eyes went wide and he started to shake his head. He knew what had happened, it was probably all he'd thought about in his time away from him, but he needed to hear it and Dean needed to tell it. “I was so angry with you. I pushed it all back down. I hated my feelings for you, I hated them so much. This is why this could never be love, this was why I could never allow myself to feel that for you, for anyone. Because eventually it would all go to shit.”

“Dean-”

“I'm not done!” He took another step closer to the angel, closing the gap between them, their clothes brushing together. “I hated you, Cas. I hated you for making me face it all only to fucking leave the next day. I hated you for months. When I saw you at that house, I wanted to punch you, to fucking lay into you so fucking hard, but things got messed up. You… you… died.” The pain of that moment came rushing back and he had to swallow past it, he needed to keep going, more for his sake than Cas's. 

He reached up and gently stroked the back of his hand down the rough stubble on Cas's cheek. He was warm and a shock of electricity made him shiver. “You died, Cas. I stopped hating you. I just, I missed you so damn much. I hate that I still feel this way. I hate that I still fucking need you. But, God damn it, I really fucking do.”

He closed his eyes against the pain of his next words, hating himself for having to say them, but he had to, he had to put them out there. He dropped his hand and opened his eyes. “But you're planning on leaving again, aren't you? That's what you always do.”

It was Cas's turn to reach up and touch his face, cupping his chin, keeping their eyes locked. “I'm sorry, Dean.” Dean could feel his heart break at those words. He wasn't denying it. Of course he was going to leave. Had he really expected anything else, really? “I'm sorry for everything.” 

Dean took a step back, feeling the tears stinging his eyes. He wasn't going to cry, not in front of him, he wasn't going to give him that. If he wanted to leave again, then so be it, but he wasn't going to see him cry. He watched Cas frown as a siren sounded in the distance. “Good to know. Sam's waiting. Let's go.”

Dean brushed past him, heading towards the door, needing to escape, needing to flee from everything he was feeling right now. But he froze when Cas mumbled something. He turned with narrowed eyes. “What?”

Cas met his eyes with steely confidence. That one look sent a shiver down his spine. This look was like the old Cas, the one before he rebelled against everything he'd ever believed in. He was protecting himself, he was putting up his own walls. But why? Dean was the one hurting here. He was the one leaving. “I'm not planning on anything.” Cas's voice boomed through the room and Dean forced himself to stay glued to the spot. “I made several mistakes, Dean. But I'm done. I'm done going off on my own. I'm done leaving your side. I want to stay… if you'll have me that is.”

Understanding shot through him. Cas was protecting himself because he was afraid Dean was going to reject him. After everything that had happened he should reject him, he should tell him it was a little to late now. Their time had passed and they should just move on. But he couldn't. He still needed him, still loved him and after losing him… He couldn't push him away. 

Dean stared into those pleading eyes and no matter how much he didn't want to push him away, no matter how much he wanted to wrap him up in his arms and pretend that nothing happened, he found nothing was coming out of his mouth.

Too much had happened. Too much pain and grief had pierced through his entire system, now he was trying to figure out what the hell he should do and say. Castiel slumped his shoulders, defeat in his posture, his eyes dropped to the floor and Dean watched as he took in a shuddering breath. He turned to leave and before Dean had even processed the thought, he'd reached out and grabbed the angel's arm, just above the elbow. Castiel froze, turning those blue eyes to meet his green ones. Dean still found he couldn't say anything, still found he couldn't do anything. All he knew was that he didn't want to let him leave, not like this. He wanted to keep him here, with him always. He'd just got him back and he couldn't let him leave again. Forgiveness seemed a long way off but that didn't mean he didn't want him here with him. 

Cas frowned with confusion and Dean felt the urge to surge forwards, the urge to kiss him right at that crease. He held back though, knowing how this wasn't the time for such sentimental crap. “I-” 

“It's okay, Dean, I understand.” He smiled sadly, his lips curling upwards, making Dean's heart jolt painfully. He thought Cas knew what he was trying to say, but he didn't, he was assuming he was being rejected, the pain in his eyes was clear evidence of that. 

“I can't forgive you, not yet, Cas, but-” But what? He bit his lower lip and he stared a burning hole into the floor. How should he finish that sentence? When he looked back up to Cas, what he saw there took his breath away. Hope. He was hoping Dean wasn't going to push him away. 

“But?”

Dean released him, rubbing a hand down his tired face. He could feel the strain in his eyes, could feel how heavy with exhaustion they were. He hadn't been sleeping very well. To be honest he couldn't remember the last time he'd had a good nights sleep. He shrugged at the angel, trying to convey just how much he really didn't know how to put his thoughts into words, how the best way to express himself was. Of course Cas understood that. Cas knew him so well, sometimes better than Sam did, Dean suspected. 

“I'm not asking anything from you, Dean. Just to allow me to be by your side again. I just… I don't want to leave. I want to continue to fight by your side, like it was before.”

Dean gulped past the lump in his throat, it hurt like hell, but that was the least of his worries. He should be really pissed, he should make him suffer a little for everything that he did. To be honest, he was very angry, but his relief at seeing him alive and stood there right in front of him outweighed the anger. Dean found himself nodding, and he watched as the joy appeared across the angels features, making Dean's own soar. All he ever wanted was to fight by Dean's side and knowing that Dean wasn't going to make him leave seemed to be enough for him. 

It wasn't enough for Dean, though. He wanted so much more. He wanted to feel the way he'd felt in the back of the Impala, on their very first and only night together. 

“Thank you, Dean. I won't let you down again. Shall we go and find Sam?”

That was it? He wasn't going to fight to be with him? Did it not mean as much to him? Maybe he'd realised what a huge mistake it had been. Dean didn't think of it like that and he hadn't thought Cas had thought that either… until now that is. He narrowed his eyes at the retreating tan trench coat clad back as anger started to burn through his veins, hotter than he'd felt since this whole conversation started. 

“That's it?” He couldn't help himself, he needed answers and he needed them now. He clenched his fists at his sides as Cas froze, keeping his back to him. “That's it? Really?”

Cas turned to face him slowly, confusion clear as day. “Dean?” He tilted his head in that cute way of his. The thought of it being cute and the thought of that one gesture having the power to break down all of his walls made him angrier. 

“You're not even going to fight for us?” He started walking slowly towards him again as Cas's eyes widened with understanding, revealing more blue than Dean had ever seen. “You're just going to roll over and forget about it, about us? Did it even mean anything to you?”

“Yes. It meant everything to me.” It was barely a whisper, a whisper that was so full of pain and anguish, but Dean chose to ignore it. This wasn't about Cas and his pain, it was about Dean's. 

“You sure about that? Not once have you mentioned it. Not once have you even acknowledged anything happened.” He could feel himself start to shake, a sure sign that he was close to the edge. He was about to break. He couldn't, not in front of Cas, he couldn't give him that satisfaction. 

Cas closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. When he opened them again, all his suffering was evident and still Dean chose to ignore it. “I betrayed you, Dean. I thought you'd hate me. I thought-” 

Dean shoved him against the wall, his anger quickly dissolving. Of course Cas would assume that's how Dean would react. Dean didn't blame him for thinking that, everyone else would have because that was who Dean was. He didn't let things lie. If people made mistakes, he would make sure they'd suffer for them, at least for a little while. This was different, though. This was Cas. The guy he was deeply in love with. The guy who'd stuck by him, no matter what, who had wormed his way through all of Dean's defences and made a home for himself. He'd never let anyone get away with what Cas had done, not even Sam. 

Cas grunted as he made contact with the concrete behind him, his hands finding Dean's that were fisted into that damn trench coat. Cas looked like he was ready for a fight, taking the move as nothing more than what it seemed – anger. He was getting ready to defend and run if necessary. 

Dean closed the gap between them, until he'd felt the ghost of Cas's breath against his lips. Not taking his eyes off the angel he spoke, keeping his voice a whisper, wanting Cas to understand he was anything but angry. “I love you, Cas.” 

Cas sucked in a sharp breath as his eyes widened. “But… I betrayed your trust.”

“Yes, you did. Then you died. God, I missed you. I missed you so damn much.”

That's when he forced his lips against Cas's. They were wet and plump and totally amazing. It took Cas mere seconds to respond with just as much force as Dean was giving. After only a few seconds, it wasn't enough. He wanted more, so much more. He slid his tongue against Cas's closed lips, pushing his way in. Cas obliged, opening wide for him. Dean licked and tasted him, moving his mouth hard and fast, the need for him growing stronger and stronger. He could feel his heart speed up. He pushed his lower body against Cas's as he groaned into his mouth, sending blood pumping through his growing erection.

This moment, right here, right now, felt right. So very right. They were in an abandoned warehouse, certainly not a place to be doing this, but Dean didn't care. He had Cas pushed up against a wall, tasting him, feeling him. He may be angry, he may be frustrated, but the connection he felt between them was just like their first, proper time they'd been like this. 

Slim fingers slid through his short hair, tugging gently and Dean couldn't help the moan that escaped his lips. He needed Cas like he needed air, that much was obvious. Unfortunately the need to breath became too much and reluctantly he pulled away. His breaths came in short as his heart threatened to escape its bone jail. He leant his forehead against Cas's, closing his eyes, trying to concentrate on the uneven breaths of his angel. It soothed him to know that Cas was just as effected by the kiss as he was. 

So many questions swirled through his mind, threatening to break the moment and bring him back to the reality of the situation. Did Cas miss him as well? He knew that couldn't be a possibility, after all he had been dead. It would still be nice to hear though. 

He felt warm fingers glide across his stubble and he snapped his eyes open, only to be welcomed by concerned blue ones. The silence stretched on and the longer they both stayed quiet the more Dean felt the need to break it. But what to say? He'd already said all he needed to say. Yes, he was pissed as hell. Yes, he still loved him. Yes, he missed him like crazy. The ball was now in Cas's court. 

“I missed you, too, Dean.” Cas's voice stayed gruff even as a whisper and the sound of it sent jolts of excitement through his body.

Then the words processed in his half lusted and half crazed mind. He finally released the trench coat from his fists and stepped back, needing to put the distance between them immediately. The disappointment and the sadness swept through him, which he pushed into his half smile. “Don't say what you think I want to hear.”

Cas stepped away from the wall, frowning. Normally, Dean could tell what each expression meant, what each frown meant. Usually it was confusion, but there were a lot of other emotions that swam across his features. This time, he couldn't tell what he was feeling or thinking. He couldn't even begin to guess. “I did miss you.”

Dean sighed too loudly and rolled his eyes. “How could you have missed me when you were dead?”

Cas stayed silent for a moment. Dean guessed he was trying to figure out how to say what he was thinking, either that or he was thinking of a convincing lie. Dean suspected it wasn't the latter. Cas wasn't capable of lying, not to Dean anyway, and not about this. Sure he's lied in the past, but that was about the world-ending crisis that had been going on in the moment, something Cas was very familiar with. Emotions, feelings, being in love, all of that, Cas didn't have a first clue about. That wasn't something he could lie about, not really. 

But Dean did what Dean always does. He pushes people away out of fear. Fear. Of course he was fucking terrified, he was terrified that Cas didn't love him any more, that he didn't really miss him. He was terrified that Cas would leave again. He was so fucking scared of getting his heart broken again. The walls he'd spent years building had crumbled, and it had only taken a few minuets. Now he could feel them slowly rising again. 

“When angels die they go to a place called The Empty, where they are to sleep for all of eternity.” Cas's voice broke through his growing anxiety and he tried to focus on what the angel was saying. So, he was asleep? How could he have missed him then? Before he had a chance to ask, Cas carried on speaking. “Something, some kind of powerful force, woke me up.” His eyes glazed over and Dean knew he was remembering what he'd felt in that moment, remembering what it was like. “The Empty is run by a creature, who didn't like to be awake. But because I was, he was. I pretty much forced him to send me back.”

Shock pulsed through him. So that's how he was here? That's how he was alive? “How?”

Cas focused his eyes back on Dean and smiled proudly. “He wanted me to go back to sleep. I refused, naturally. I told him I would keep bugging him for all of eternity, keeping him awake if he didn't send me back.”

Dean couldn't help but feel proud of him for that. It was a smart move. So he had missed him. He was telling the truth. The urge to push forwards and crash their lips together again grew strong within. Dean smiled across at him, the happiness blooming in his chest. Before Dean had a chance to move or react in anyway, Cas reached up and cupped his chin with his warm fingers, rubbing gently. A sad but happy smile graced his lips. Dean didn't know how that was possible, how someone could look happy and sad at the same time. 

“It meant everything to me, Dean.”

Lips pressed against his gently and he closed his eyes in contentment at the feel of them, at the taste of them. His eyes fluttered closed. This didn't feel right. This felt final. It felt like a goodbye. He pushed away violently, panic surging through him, eyes sprang open and he looked into those ocean blue eyes, trying to gage what the angel was thinking. His smile had lost all happiness and it now just voiced how sad he truly was. Why? What was going through his mind? Dean could feel himself start to shake as his blood pumped furiously through his veins. Realisation hit him full force. Cas was saying goodbye. 

“B-But?” He hated how his voice shook, how it showed just how vulnerable and exposed he was at that moment. Ignoring it, he took a step back, needing the distance to think, to try and figure out what this meant. His mind went over the conversation. Cas had said he wanted to stay by his side. But what did that mean? Cas looked down, shame clouding over his features as he opened his mouth. “No,” Dean felt anger pulse through him. “Don't be a coward. Look me in the eye and say it.”

There was a few moments of silence before Cas finally looked up and into his eyes. Dean gulped, instantly not wanting to hear it. He wanted to run, wanted to protect himself from the pain he was about to experience, as if he hadn't experienced enough already. At the same time, he was unable to move, grounded by the intense stare being directed at him. He felt his heart pounding, felt his breaths grow faster, felt the sweat starting to bead across his forehead. As much as he was panicking, it was hard not to lash out in anger. That's what he usually did. Whenever he was about to hurt, about to experience emotional turmoil, he lashed out, it masked just how much it hurt or how scared he was. 

“I'm going to stay by your side. I'm going to keep fighting, with you. But… But we can't go there again. I can't go there again.”

Dean felt his throat close up as he tried to choke back the sob that was threatening to break free. He was not going to break down, not in front of Cas, not in front of anyone. “Can't or won't?” He'd barely got those words out and that damn sob was still pressing forwards. 

“Won't.”

That was all the answers he needed. He could feel his heart break in two. He didn't want to know why he won't be with Dean, he didn't want to try and understand. He needed to disappear, he needed to be alone, he needed to break down in peace, maybe with a bottle of whisky in his hand. He blinked back the tears, praying the wouldn't fall, not until he was as far away from Cas as he could get. He nodded. “Understood.” 

His voice broke again, and he hated himself for it. He backed away, slowly, the need to run pulsing through his legs, but somehow he managed to keep his pace slow and steady. Dean watched as a lone tear slid down Cas's cheek. He wanted nothing more than to go towards him, hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay. But nothing was going to be okay again. Plus, he didn't have that right any more. He didn't have that right to comfort him, to hold him. 

“Dean?”

He shook his head, closing his eyes against the nausea that was slowly rising from the pit of his stomach. “It's fine. I understand.” He didn't, far from it. He just needed to stop this conversation, to move on. It was over. He'd guessed that anyway, from the betrayal and all, but now it was voiced. How could he have been so stupid? He knew, of course. He had been blinded by his relief at seeing Cas, that's how. 

“No, Dean. You don't.” Cas took another step towards him and Dean turned his back to him. 

“We need to get back. Sam will be worried.” Then he kept walking, not looking over his shoulder as he made his way towards the far exit. “I'm sure you can make your own way to Sam. I'll be there soon.”

The door slammed behind him. That was when he ran, as fast as he could, getting as much distance between them as he could. Finally, he came to a stop. He didn't know how long he'd been running for, he didn't know where he was and he didn't care. His heart beat frantically in his chest and he struggled to breath. He leant against the wired fence that outlined a basketball court and slid down it. He could feel his muscles scream at him in protest. 

The tears finally came. Racking sobs shook his whole body and he screamed. It was a loud, ear-splitting scream. The purpose was to try and relieve some of the pain from his chest. He'd opened his heart to him, dropped his walls. Yes, he was betrayed by him, but he could have gotten past it, eventually. Now, there was no going back. Cas had made his choice. When he'd gone behind his back, Dean had thought he'd felt he had no choice and he understood. But he didn't understand why Cas had chosen this and he didn't know if he wanted to. 

He screamed till his throat was sore and hoarse. The tears slid hotly down his flushed cheeks as he struggled to breath. He rubbed at the ache in his chest. This was why he kept his walls firmly in place, this was why he didn't open himself up to emotions. 

This why he'd always told himself that this can't be love. 

Because of this pain. 

But what to do now? He needed a drink… or ten. He slowly stood on shaky legs, gripping the wired fence to steady himself. He'd go and get plastered, pick up a nice girl, show her a good time and pretend that what he was feeling wasn't real, pretend that he hadn't made the biggest mistake of his life. 

In the morning, he would act as though everything was fine. He didn't want Sam to grasp onto something being wrong, he would never hear the end of it. He didn't want Cas to know this bothered him either. Everything needed to appear normal and fine. 

One last night of feeling like this. One night only. 

Then he would go back to telling himself that this can't be love. Just like before.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the really long wait. Life hasn't been kind to me recently. But I am back now, I hope you can all forgive me.   
So here it is, the next chapter.

Chapter 9 

He couldn't do it. 

As much as he wanted to, as much as he tried, he just couldn't do it. He'd gone to a bar, tried to pick up a very beautiful woman, with long legs, blonde hair and very seductive eyes. God, he could have done it, before all of this, before he'd bared his soul, this would have been what he'd done. He wouldn't have thought twice about it. But as he gazed down at the girl in arms, all he could think about was the pain and the sorrow and those damn sexy blue eyes. He'd apologised to her, leaving her confused and alone, leaning against the side of the building. He didn't look back, didn't feel even remotely guilty. He knew he'd done the right thing in the end. Walking away was probably the best decision he'd made. 

No, he didn't feel guilty, he felt pure anger. Anger at himself, anger at Cas, anger at the whole damn world. He hated the way he felt, hated how he couldn't even forget with his usual women and booze. 

Dean felt the tears sting his eyes, he felt the ache deep in his chest, felt the way his heart was battered and bruised. In a way, he was kind of fearful of it, of never being rid of it. He feared he'd never get over it. 

As he walked back towards the motel that his brother was staying at, his mind went round in circles, picturing every little thing, processing every word. He froze in mid-step as the look in Cas's eyes pushed forward. He'd told Dean he couldn't go there again. But it was that stupid look. 

Realisation hit him full force. It had taken everything in the angel to tell Dean he couldn't go there. But why? Why would he cause them both unnecessary pain like that? At the time he hadn't wanted to know the reason, at the time he was too consumed with his own anguish, he was too concerned with getting the hell out of dodge, not wanting Cas to see him break down. 

Now, all he could think about was the reason. Slowly, he continued walking, his eyes darting from side to side, the tears drying on his face as he thought about what his next move should be. What had he thought the reason was? His first initial thought had been Cas had come to the conclusion Dean wasn't what he wanted, not really and he was just trying to let him down gently. Now, though, that look was haunting him. 

There was no doubt in his mind that Cas did want him, did love him. So why? Why all this pain? Cas was the only one able to give him the answers he needed. A new determination set in. He didn't know what he was going to do. Convince him to give them a shot? Or demand the reasons for this stupidity? 

Turning the corner to the parking lot of the motel, he stopped and glanced at the window to their room. The light was on, the curtains open and through it he could see his brother and the angel sat at the table. As his focused his eyes on Cas, he broke completely, 

Sam was talking, and Cas, well Cas was laughing. He looked totally free, free of any pain and guilt. It was like he hadn't been stewing in any negative emotions, he hadn't been thinking about Dean. 

Anger curled around his stomach, clenching it tightly and before he knew what he was doing he had crossed the parking lot, crashing into the room like an angry bull. His eyes caught onto blue. Cas was no longer smiling, his face shocked. He faintly he heard his brother say his name, but he ignored it, not daring to tear his eyes away. He tried to pour everything he was thinking and feeling into that one look. 

Cas slowly stood and suddenly he couldn't be there with him, he couldn't be be around him knowing that just a few minuets ago he was fine, he was normal Cas. He wasn't broken like Dean and that's when he a new realisation set in, Cas wasn't in love with him, not like Dean was with him. He shouldn't be surprised really, after all he was an angel and angels feel things differently to humans. But that didn't mean it hurt any less. Cas didn't want to start things up again and Dean knew why, because they felt differently for each other. Cas had tried to be gentle with him, but of course Dean had tried to ignore it all in his usual fashion. 

Without a word passing between them, he marched towards the bathroom, slamming the door behind him in the hopes the angel would get the message and leave them the hell alone. 

As soon as his back hit the door, he choked on a sob, stifling it with his hand as the tears poured down his face. He could feel his knees buckling beneath him and he could no longer find the strength to stay standing. 

After what felt like an eternity, his knees finally hit the hard, tiled floor. His chest grew tight as he struggled to breath. He leant back against the door, his head hitting the wood hard, but he barely registered the pain as he thought about how he would never be the same again. Cas was everything he'd ever wanted and now… now his heart was broken in two and there would be no putting it back together. 

He didn't know how long he sat there on the cold floor, sobbing his eyes out, willing the pain to just go, to just leave. He'd thought about getting up, washing his face before facing the music and just getting out there as though everything was normal, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. 

The tears had finally stopped and he had just about managed to calm himself down, but still he couldn't bring himself to move. There was no energy left to pretend. He could no longer pretend that everything was okay. He was broken, there was no denying it. And in that moment he knew he would never be the same again. 

A knock sounded at the door and then Cas's gruff voice came through muffled. His heart tugged painfully in his chest. He ignored it all. Grief started to consume him. He wasn't grieving losing the one person he'd bared his soul to. No, he was mourning himself, mourning who he once was before he'd allowed his feelings to come to the surface. 

The knocking kept coming, the voice growing desperate. Then he was there, standing in front of him, concern etched upon his features. Dean allowed his eyes to roam freely over this magnificent creature, not caring that Cas was watching him carefully. 

When his eyes finally caught Cas's, he knew what he had to do. He hated himself for even thinking it, he hated that this is what they had become, but it had to be done, for his own sake. For his own sanity, this had to be done. 

“I can't do this, Cas.” His voice was scratchy and weak, his throat raw from all those tears and sobs. He watched for a reaction, hoping to see pain and guilt but all he saw was confusion. He took in a shaky breath trying to will away the nausea that had found a home in the pit of his stomach. “You don't want me and I don't know why and I have no choice but to accept it, no matter how much it fucking hurts, but… you can't be here, Cas, not any more. I can't be around you, not at the moment.” His words pierced through his heart, scarring it, but he knew this was the right thing to do. “It hurts too much.”

Tears were streaming down his face again now and as he watched Cas for a reaction, he noticed he too was crying. Why? Was he mourning their friendship? “You don't even know the reason. You don't understand.”

Dean slowly stood on his shaky legs. “It doesn't matter what the reason is. It won't stop it from hurting any less, it won't stop it from being complete torture being around you every day.” He took in a deep breath and dropped his eyes to the grimy floor. “I need to try and get over this and I can't do that with you here.”

The sharp gasp made his head shoot up and there it was, the pain. He hadn't wanted that, had he? So why the hell was he feeling so guilty for putting that look there? Why did he want to reach out and erase the words that he had just spoken? 

“I do want you. I will always want you.”

“That makes it worse, Cas.”

Dean turned to leave, unsure of how Cas would interpret what he'd just said. Tiredness was finally taking over his body, making his muscles feel like they were full of lead, making his eyes itchy and heavy. All he needed right now was his bed and his soft pillow. All he needed was to slip into a dreamless slumber and forget about all of this emotional crap. Of course, that was always too much to ask. Dean never had dreamless sleeps, not any more. They were always full of something terrifying and horrendous, usually they consisted of the many horrific things they'd all been through in the past decade. But tonight, tonight he knew that wouldn't be the case, instead he knew he would dream of the angel he would never get to have, he knew he would dream of the rejection and the pain. There was a small sliver of hope, though, and he clung to it with everything he got, needing to have a peaceful night sleep.

He gripped the door handle firmly, ready to fling it open and storm into the bedroom. A part of him hoped Sam wasn't there. He didn't need his concern right now, didn't need his million and one questions. At the same time he hoped he would still be there, because maybe, just maybe, he would be a buffer between him and Cas. Neither his brother or the angel would broach any kind of emotional conversation with the other in the room. 

Before he could pull the door open, he felt a warm hand touch his cold one and his breath caught in his throat. His eyes landed on their connection and his heart stuttered in his chest. Suddenly he was hyper-aware of everything, from the touch to the feeling and he cursed himself inwardly. How can he still allow such a small contact to have such a huge affect on him?

“I'm scared, Dean.”

Cas's voice broke through his thoughts and he snapped his green eyes to the blue. He sucked in a sharp breath when the realisation came to him. Cas was really scared. He didn't know why he hadn't seen it before. He guessed it had something to do with feeling his own pain and his own grief, but that wasn't a good enough reason, not in his eyes anyway. He should have seen it. If he hadn't been too proud about breaking down, about avoiding his feelings, he would have seen it sooner. Guilt clawed at his insides as the reality came crashing down around him. 

He turned back to face Cas, gripping the angels fingers in the palm of his hand. He should have distanced himself from the situation, he shouldn't have clung to him like he did, but hell, Cas was hurting and scared and he had to do everything he could to reassure him that he wasn't going anywhere, not for good anyway. He would hate himself later, for being weak and vulnerable, he would regret this decision, but for now, it just felt right to offer him this comfort. 

“Why?” he asked in his rough, scratchy voice, trying to keep it a whisper so as not scare him off. He didn't know if he'd succeeded, but he did know that Cas's eyes lit up at that one question. Perhaps it was because finally Dean was willing to listen, to try and understand. 

“I'm scared because I failed yet again. I'm scared because I've never ever felt this level of emotions for anything in my entire existence and what I feel for you… I'm scared because I don't want to lose you, I can't lose. But no matter what decision I make, no matter what, I will lose you.”

“Cas-”

“I'm scared because it was too easy, Dean. Escaping The Empty, it was too easy. I shouldn't have escaped like that, not by blackmailing a powerful being.” 

Cas released his grip and took a step back. For a moment, Dean felt the loss of the contact, but when his eyes latched onto the smooth indifference on the angels face, that loss was all but forgotten as pure panic punched through his gut. “Cas?”

“I need to separate myself from my emotions, its the only way to do it, because it will hurt less, or at least I hope it will.”

Dean furrowed his eyebrows, unsure where Cas was going with this and he hated the fact that he still held that stupid impassive look. 

“When the creature comes, and he will come, he will come for my biggest weakness. He will look for any sign that will tear me apart. He hates me and he wants revenge on me. When he comes, he will come for you and it will kill me. But if I distance myself, if I show I don't care, you will be safe. The pain I'm feeling will be nothing compared to the pain I will feel if you die. I can't let that happen.” 

Dean took in a deep, heavy breath, trying to keep himself calm, trying to ease the pain that echoed in his chest. “That's bullshit and you know it.” Cas's eyes widened with surprise and Dean took a step forward. “The empty might not come for you. The empty might not know how to get to this world. And you're just going to jeopardize everything we had for a maybe?”

“Its a risk I can't take.” Cas's voice was pleading with him, begging him to understand and accept this decision. But he couldn't. He wasn't going to. 

“No. Its you, Sam and me. That's how its always been. We'll deal with it. If the time comes, then we'll deal with it together. Like we always do.”

He watched as Cas narrowed his eyes in thought and Dean hated how he was begging for him to just give this ago, to give them ago. Then he shook his head. The pain surged to the surface once more and he swallowed thickly. “I can't,” Cas whispered. 

Dean closed his eyes, gathering the strength he needed to say what he needed to say next. When he opened his eyes again, he wished he'd kept them closed because he hated that sorrowful look upon the angel. He clenched his fists tightly, forcing himself not to reach out. “Then I need you to leave.” 

Cas hesitated, opened his mouth as though to protest and then dipped his head in resignation. Then he was gone. And Dean crumpled to the floor, unable to keep himself upright any longer. 

-Supernatural - 

Castiel had never hated himself more. 

He hated the way Dean looked at him with so much pain. He hated that he felt the need to do this. He hated how he was always messing things up, how he always put Dean through this. He gasped in the night air outside the motel and regret filled him. 

Dean didn't want to be round him and he completely understood. Of course he understood. It wasn't so long ago when the roles were reversed and thinking back on it, he couldn't be round Dean either because he needed the space. 

He sighed as he heard the motel door open and close softly. He knew it was Sam. Dean wouldn't come to him, he wouldn't be ready to see him yet. He closed is eyes against the onslaught of emotions he was feeling, not wanting Sam to see him so vulnerable and exposed like this. He'd already told Sam what he was doing, why he was doing it and Dean's reaction. Dean would be really furious if he found out he'd told Sam but he knew Dean would need someone to understand his emotions, he would need someone to talk to when the time came. Sam tried to be soothing and understanding as best as he could be, being stuck between the two. He changed the subject pretty quickly, telling him about Jack. 

His heart swelled with joy at the thought of him. He was becoming the man Castiel had hoped he would be and the fact that he'd missed him, had grieved for him made him hopeful of the situation. He needed to see him, needed to be with him, to help him, to guide him. But how was he suppose to do that now with the way things were between him and Dean?

Sam didn't say anything, waiting patiently for Cas to speak and Cas was grateful for that. “Dean wants me to leave.” It was all he could manage to say about it at the moment. Maybe Sam could help the situation, just a little. After all, they had Jack to think about now. 

He heard Sam heave a sigh. “I'll speak with him. Convince him you need to see Jack.” 

Castiel shook his head and glanced at the younger Winchester. “No. He has every right to tell me to leave. I will give it a couple of days, maybe even a couple of weeks and then I will come and see Jack. Just try and explain to Jack why I can't be there at the moment.” 

Sam nodded in understanding and then Cas disappeared, leaving the two Winchesters behind. 

-Supernatural - 

It took Dean a while to emerge from the bathroom and he was slightly disappointed to see just his brother in the room. Of course Cas would leave, he'd do anything Dean wanted. He sighed a deep breath when he noticed Sam's 'I want to talk' look. He had it coming and he even though he was exhausted, he decided that it was always better to get it out of the way. 

“What?” he snapped, sitting clumsily down on the bed. 

“Did you forget about Jack?” 

Okay, so that wasn't where he thought the conversation was heading. He allowed the shock to show for a moment before answering. “What about him?” 

Sam rolled his eyes. “Of course you've forgotten with all your self pity. Jack has missed Cas as well. He grieved for him. He's waiting for him to return. And you just sent Cas away.” 

Shit. He hadn't thought of it that. He regretted calling the kid now, of course. But he had a right to see Cas. Slowly he stood and marched to the motel door, hearing his brother call his name, but he ignored it as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled Cas's number. 

It didn't take long for Cas to answer. “Hello?” That gruff voice sent a thrill rushing through him and he urgently pushed it back. 

“Cas? It's Dean.” There was silence on the other end of the phone and Dean pulled the phone from his ear to check that the angel hadn't hung up. “You there?” he asked hesitantly. 

“Yes. Yes I'm here. I just didn't expect...” 

Yeah, this must be a shock for him. “Yeah. Um… could you come back here, please?” 

The phone hung up and Dean stared at it blankly. Was that a yes or no? Then he heard the tell-tale sign of wings and turned to face Cas. The angel's features were concerned, his gaze drifted up and down Dean's body as though searching for something. Dean's heart warmed to see that he still cared, but punched it down. 

“Are you okay?” Cas voice broke through the night. No, he wasn't okay, far from it. But that's not what he meant. 

“Yeah. I just… You should come back to the bunker with us.” 

Cas's eyes widened with shock and hope. “Why?” 

“Because of Jack. He knows you're alive and he's waiting for you. It's not fair for him to have to wait.” 

He watched in slow motion as the hope vanished and his face went blank. The angel nodded. “Thank you. I will see him and then leave as soon as I am able.” 

Dean hated the idea of sending him away again but it needed to be done. It had to be done. He nodded his acceptance and started to move to the motel room again. “We leave first thing in the morning.” 

There was no way he was going to drive while feeling so drained. He didn't look back at Cas as he entered the room. Didn't allow himself to even glance at his brother's questioning eyes. Instead, he forced himself to the bathroom, needing to get ready for bed. Tomorrow was going to be a long day and he needed all the strength he could get.


	10. Chapter 10

Driving back to the bunker in the early morning light wasn't easy, for both Dean and Cas, even Sam could feel the tension between them. Nobody said anything, nobody needed to. It was clear to everyone how this next part was going to go. 

Castiel could feel his heart tearing in two at the thought of leaving again. He belonged beside Dean, at his side, fighting the good fight. It wasn't just Dean, though. It was Jack, too. He hated the thought of leaving him, hated the thought that he wouldn't be able to look after him for a long while. He didn't want to think about his reaction to Cas's leaving, he didn't want to think about anything that came next. As much as the tension between him and Dean were tearing him apart, he felt content at just being there, being allowed to ride with them. 

When they finally made it back, late in the evening. Dean didn't say anything, didn't look at him, didn't stay long enough to see Jack's reaction to him. Castiel felt the urge to follow him, to try and sooth the hunter. Knowing it wouldn't be welcome, he held back. 

Moving his mind away from Dean, he set his eyes upon the kid, seeing the relief and the happiness that echoed his own features. Jack was here, he was alive and he was good. He held immeasurable power, could probably kill them all with a flick of his wrist, could destroy the world without lifting a finger, but he didn't want to, liking this world and the people in it. He wanted to help people, he wanted to save people, just like the Winchesters and it made Castiel so proud of him for that. 

He felt Jack's hands entwine around his neck and Castiel hugged back, thankful that he was able to feel a gentle touch, a loving touch after so long. He could feel Sam's eyes burning through him, and when he looked he could see him smiling, happy that they had the angel back, happy that Jack was happy. But he could see the smile didn't quite reach his eyes and Castiel knew why. He was going to leave again and he had yet to break the news to Jack. Jack would probably argue, make it harder for him, but he had to make him understand. Somehow he had to try. 

Pulling away from him, he explained how proud he was of him, how happy he was to see him. Jack returned the sentiments that made Castiel swell with joy. But when his thoughts returned to Dean, he felt his heart breaking all over again. He could feel the pull, he could feel the urge pulse through him. 

As he sat at the table in the map room and watching Jack follow suit, he tried to listen to Jack explain about trying to find a hunt for them all to go on. He didn't know what Cas was thinking, what he was planning to do. If Jack had more experience with human emotions he would have felt the tension in the room, would see that there was a sadness to Castiel's movements, a sadness in his voice. 

He tried to concentrate on what Jack was saying, tried to focus on a way of telling him what was going to happen now. But he couldn't bring himself to break another heart yet. He could feel the narrowed gaze of Sam behind him, and when he looked he saw him trying to convey that he needed to do this now, before Jack could get his hopes up too much. He knew he had to, knew this was the right thing, but Dean's words echoed in his mind. They played with his own thoughts like a toy in a child's hand. 

It's you, Sam and me. That's how it's always been. We'll deal with it. If the time comes, then we'll deal with it together. Like we always do.

He was right. Of course he was right. Past experiences were proof of that. They always seemed better as a team, together. All three of them. He thought about every time he'd gone off on his own, how he'd always tried to protect Dean from the dangers he'd brought down on them. It had never worked out. Never. So what made this time any different? 

He needed Dean like he needed to breath. He needed to be close to him, needed to have him, hold him, kiss him, soothe him. That was the truth of it all. So what was he doing here? Why was he putting them both through this pain? It seemed suddenly unnecessary. He cursed himself for doing this. He knew, at the time, that his reasoning had seemed justifiable. But now…?

He pushed back from the table, startling both Sam and Jack, both looking at him expectantly. He didn't say anything as he walked past them. He could hear Sam saying his name, questioning where he was going, he didn't answer, a new purpose set with every footstep. 

As he left them behind, his mind swirled with possibilities. But when he reached Dean's bedroom door, his footing faltered, doubt clouding this new determination. What if Dean doesn't agree? What if Dean pushes him away? 

But he had to try, didn't he? Of course he had to. He took in a steadying breath and knocked lightly. A small gruff 'yeah' sounded on the other side of the door, muffled and sad. He slowly pushed open the door cautiously, afraid of what was going to happen next. 

He stepped into the darkened room, only a soft glow of a lamp was the only light but he could see Dean clearly, lying on his back on the bed, one arm under his head and eyes closed. He closed the door softly, suddenly unsure of himself now. Would Dean beg him to leave? Could he do it? He didn't know if had the strength do it again. 

Dean opened his eyes and they grew round at the sight of him stood there. Slowly, he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, his eyes never leaving his, but he didn't come closer, wisely keeping his distance. “You're leaving already?” Castiel sensed the strength that it took to say those words and he had to suck in a sharp breath, trying to calm his beating heart. 

Castiel shook his head. “I thought we could talk.” 

He dropped his eyes as Dean narrowed his. Would he want to listen? Would he be willing to hear him out again? He tried to push the doubts away and glanced back up to the hunter, praying for the strength he needed to get through this. He knew God wouldn't listen, wouldn't give him what he needed, but he had to try. Somehow it did make him feel stronger, maybe it was just the act itself, but it worked. 

“We have nothing left to say, Cas.” Dean sounded exhausted and Castiel felt that urge to go to him, to ease him, but he knew it wouldn't be welcome yet. Dean was tired of having the same argument, was tired of repeating himself, and now he was resigning himself to that fate. Castiel had never hated himself more than he did in this moment. 

“You were right.” 

Dean bulked back with surprise, his eyes widening again. Whatever Cas had come to say, he clearly hadn't expected those words and Castiel prided himself on it, just for a moment. “About what?” Dean's voice broke with nervousness, unsure of where this was going. 

Castiel sighed quietly. How to explain? He didn't know where to start, if he was honest, but he had to try, for Dean's sake and himself. “You were right when you said we should do this together. We always seem to work better as a team. Its just better that way.” 

He waited for Dean to take this in, to process it. He stood slowly, cautiously and Castiel could sense the fear coming off him in waves. Once more, he pushed the need to ease him way down. It wasn't the time yet. “But… Cas, we can't work as a team if we can't...” 

Castiel knew where that sentence was leading, Dean didn't need to finish it. A new nervousness washed over him. “Are you still willing…? If I was to say yes, lets give it a go again, would you still be willing?” 

Castiel watched as Dean became wary, concerned for his heart. He had every right to be, he had every right to try and protect himself. “Are you saying that?” 

Dean needed to hear it. He needed to be sure before he put himself out there again. He had never easily trusted people, it just wasn't in his true nature and Castiel hadn't made it easier. He needed the reassurance, he needed to know Castiel was willing, even if he wasn't. It was all or nothing now. So he dived in, feet first. “Yes.” 

A sharp intake of breath. He hadn't expected that. Castiel waited. On the outside he was calm and collected, waiting patiently. But on the inside he was screaming for Dean to just say yes or no. He hated the silence that grew between them, felt the urge to say something, anything. “If you don't want to, I understand. I just...” He just what? If Dean didn't agree, didn't want to then he would have to accept it and leave as quickly as possible. But if he did… the possibilities were endless. 

He allowed his thoughts to roam to Sam and Jack and he wondered what the younger Winchester was telling the kid, wondered how he was explaining this. But right now he couldn't go to him, couldn't make Jack understand. Dean needed his full attention and that's what he would get. 

Dean licked his lips and nodded. “Of course I want to. But… if it happens, and that's a big 'if', then I need to know that this is it. No more running off, no more doing things on your own. No more trying to protect me. You can't end it again like this, Cas. If you come to realise that you don't want this, then I can accept that… but knowing you want this and need this as much as me but you won't have it because of some stupid reasoning that you need to protect me, I can't take it.” 

Cas understood completely. But could he promise this? No one knows what the future will bring, no one. But Dean wasn't done talking. He was just getting started. “I thought,” he continued, “that you didn't love me like I love you. When I saw you through the motel window and I saw you laughing with Sam, I thought you didn't want me, It fucking hurt, God did it hurt. But in that moment, Cas, I understood where it was all coming from. But then you told me about the Empty and it didn't just hurt. It was frustrating. To know that you actually did want me but I couldn't touch you the way we both needed to… It hurt more than thinking that you didn't want me. So, I need to know that this will never happen again. I need to know that if you don't want me, tell me but don't try and protect me like this. Never again. If you can do that… if you can promise me this, then yes. My answer will be yes. But if you can't… then you need to leave and we will forget about all of this.” 

Dean was willing to try again, was willing to give him another chance. That should have made him happy, should have made him soar with joy. Could he promise this? He really thought about it, really and truly thought long and hard. The silence stretched between them and Dean waited patiently, knowing that Cas really needed to think about this because neither of them took promises lightly. He really needed to mean it if he was going to promise. 

He once again thought about the many mistakes he'd made since his fall from heaven, since he'd sided with the Winchesters. They had always been wrong when he went off on his own. Then he thought about his time with them, with Dean, and he knew they were stronger together. He knew then that yes, he could promise this, because he needed Dean and Dean needed him. He could do this because they could protect each other, he would have a family, he would be happy. He would be able to stay with Jack. He would be able to hunt with them. He would be able to kiss Dean, to touch him, to have him. And when the time came for them to face the Empty, he would be okay because they would deal with it together. And if they died… if they died doing it, then so be it, at least they would be doing it together. 

“Yes. I promise. I promise I will never leave you like this again. Never.” 

Dean smiled then. A brightening up the room smile and Cas couldn't help but smile as well. They were really going to do this. But a new nervousness swept through him. It had been too long since they had done anything, since they had been together, it had been months before he had died. Would they still remember how to be with each other? 

But then again, Dean might not want to yet. He might want to take things slow, just to reassure himself that this was real and that Cas wasn't just going to up and leave one day. Just then another thought struck him, just as Dean started to move towards him. He needed to clear this up first. It had to be done. He held up his hand, stopping Dean's progress. He watched as though in slow motion, the dropping of the smile, the panic in his eyes. He knew Dean was thinking he had got his wires crossed somewhere, knew he was thinking that maybe Cas had changed his mind. But he had to get this out. 

“Before anything happens, I need to clear some things up myself.” Understanding took over the fear in Dean's eyes and he nodded once for him to continue. Castiel took a deep breath. “First of all, I need to apologize. I thought I was doing the right thing and the last thing I wanted was to hurt you, you have to know that.” 

Dean smiled shyly. “I know, Cas.” 

Castiel nodded. “Secondly, yes I promise I won't leave you by trying to protect you, but I need that same promise from you. I know what you're like, Dean, and I know you will do whatever it takes to   
protect me, whatever is necessary.” 

The smile dropped and there was a slight hesitation which set Castiel's nerves on fire. Eventually, though, he said, “Yes, I promise.”

Castiel tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. “Really?” 

“Yes. It goes against all my instincts. But I can't expect you to promise that and not promise it myself, that goes against everything I believe in. It would be tough if the time came, but I would do my damn hardest to stick to it.” 

That was exactly what he needed to hear and he smiled happily. Dean thought it was over, thought that he could advance again, but Cas held up his hand and Dean froze once more. Instead of keeping his distance, he inched his way forwards, trying to reassure Dean that he still wanted this. 

He was now an inch away, feeling the other man's breath on his skin, feeling the warmth of it. He placed a hand on Dean's face, he heard the sharp intake of breath, could see his wide eyes and his parted lips. He wanted to kiss him so bad, but he had something to say first. He searched Dean's face for any sign of resistance and when he found none, he whispered, “Just so we're clear, I will always want you. Nothing, and I mean nothing will ever change that. Do you understand?” 

Dean gaped at him, but nodded all the same and it made Cas smile. He gripped Dean's hip with his other hand, bringing their groins into contact. He could feel Dean's hardening cock in his jeans and he was sure Dean could feel his as well. He could hear Dean's breathing pick up speed at this sudden close contact. 

“I'm going to kiss you now,” Cas breathed. Dean only had time to nod once before he wrapped his lips over the other man's, his tongue darting instantly inside, tasting, swirling. Dean's mouth moved with his and they both groaned with the pleasure of it. There was no urgency, no hunger. It was just them, able to do this without worries, without the need to rush it. They could finally love each other, openly and honestly. This type of love, this type of kiss, didn't need to be rushed. It was slow. It was gentle. It made Castiel dizzy with need. It made him want more. 

Dean tasted like whisky. He smelled like soap. And Castiel needed more of it, more of him. He pushed closer, could feel Dean's hands grip tightly to his own hips, and he wondered briefly if he needed to ground himself like Castiel needed to. He gently pushed against his head, bringing him closer, if that was even possible. 

This felt so perfect, so right and he forgot, just for a moment, why he would have thought to deny either of them this. It was everything that he needed, it was everything he would ever want and this settled something inside of him, making him sigh with relief at finally having this. 

Dean pulled away first and it took him a moment to realise what was happening. With his heart in his throat, he was suddenly thrown onto the bed. He opened his eyes to see the devil look in Dean, making his cock twitch with anticipation. They both needed this, the both needed the reassurance that the other was here. Cas licked his lower lip, tasting Dean, feeling the tingle as though his lips were still there. 

Then Dean was crowding him, kissing him again. He could feel the hard press of his body against his, could feel the bulge in Dean's jeans as he pressed firmly against him. He felt dizzy, felt intoxicated from the feel of him and it confused him for a moment, leaving him wondering how such a human thing could make him feel like this. But he pushed it to the back of his mind as Dean leant up, the devilish glint in his eyes gone, replaced by softness and love. 

“I love you, Cas.” It had been said so softly, that Castiel wondered if he'd heard it at all. Looking at him, though, his waiting, his anticipation of what Cas had to say to that made him think otherwise. 

Cas smiled and reached down, lifting his t-shirt, up and over his head, throwing it to the side, not caring where it landed. He reached up with his head and placed a gentle, a barely there, kiss to his chest, right where the heart would sit. Dean hummed at the contact, closing his eyes in contentment. When Cas pulled away and put his head back down onto the soft mattress, Dean opened his eyes again, smiling as well. He understood him, understood what that one gesture meant, making him dive in for another kiss. This time it was more fierce, more urgent, as though he couldn't get enough of him, clutching to him as though he would never do this again. 

Not having that in the slightest, because they would have this again, he'd make sure of it, he rolled them over. Dean bounced slightly and let out a gasp at the sudden change in position. Castiel couldn't wait any more, he needed to have him now and everything be damned. He didn't care that Jack and Sam were waiting for his return, he didn't care that they were probably minutes away from finding out where he'd disappeared to. All that mattered was them, them and this moment, right here and now. 

He used his angelic grace, pushing it outwards, feeling it curl around the thought at what he wanted and in a flash both of them were naked, their erections rubbing together. Dean's eyes widened at the sudden rush of it all, but groaned deeply at the impact below. Both their erections rubbed together, slicking the other with their wetness, making it all slippery and just so arousing. Castiel rolled his eyes into the back of his head at the relief of it all, rocking his hips gently. He could cum like this, and he knew Dean could to. But it wasn't enough, it was never enough. 

Reluctantly, he pushed away, watching with satisfaction as Dean moved his own hips, following him, needing the contact back. Cas just smiled down at him, gripped his hips and rolled him to his stomach. Dean gasped, but didn't have time to do anything as Cas pulled him up to his hands and knees. 

The thought of lube entered his mind, his eyes now drifted across to the night-stand where it probably lay, waiting, but he didn't want to move, didn't want to let go. So, again, for the second time, he used his angelic grace to summon it to his hand. It worked easily and he leant across Dean's back, feeling the warmth, feeling his cock rub against Dean's ass. It felt glorious. He moaned at the connection and Dean rubbed backwards against him, leaning his head into his pillow, waiting for what was to come next. 

Castiel kissed him gently, right on the middle of his back before leaning up and lubing his fingers. He rubbed the lube against Dean's puckered hole, feeling the warmth, pressing the tip of his nail in. There wouldn't be any need for much preparation. He'd already used his grace twice, any discomfort Dean would feel, he could take it away, simple as that. Dean groaned, pushing backwards, needing more. But Cas pulled away, leaving Dean wanting and huffing in frustration. 

Holding back a laugh at the sight of him so desperate, he quickly lubed up his erection, loving the feel of the cold liquid against his warm length. He then gripped Dean's hipped and pushed forward, breaching the ring of muscles. Dean released a gasp and shifted, breathing heavily. Cas could feel the warmth of him and then remembered to ease Dean just a little. He reached out his grace and felt Dean immediately relax at the sensation. 

He continued to move slowly, too slow, holding back his urge to just ram home. But eventually he reached the end. His balls now hitting Dean's ass. They both moaned at the contact, both breathed heavily. Cas could feel his heart beating erratically, needing to be released. It was all so overwhelming, so many sensations that he didn't know which one he should concentrate on. He knew he was gripping Dean a little too tight, digging his nails in to his soft skin, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. He felt Dean shift, testing the feel of him inside and when he moaned lowly, Cas knew he could move. And he did, deliciously slow, pulling almost all the way out and then pushing back hard, sending Dean shifting forward. He groaned again and so did Dean, although his was muffled by the pillow. He moved again, mimicking his last move and they both groaned again. It was so amazing, so perfect. But he wanted to hear Dean, wanted to hear the way he could scream for him. 

He wrapped his arm around Dean's middle and pulled him. Dean went easily, offering no resistance, allowing Cas to take the lead. Castiel's heart swelled at the thought, loving that Dean trusted him so much that he would allow this shift in control. He pulled Dean all the way up, until he was sitting on his lap. They both moaned in unison as Cas's erection hit his sweet spot. He held Dean tight to his chest, willed him to move. 

Dean did. Lifting off him and then sitting back down, the movement slow. He rolled his hips as he went back down. All that could be heard was their heavy breathing, and their moaning, the slap of skin. Neither spoke. But the time for words was over. They would talk after. But for now they would both bask in the pleasure of this moment. Dean leant his head back onto his shoulder, eyes closed and mouth open as he moved, up and down, rolling round and round. Castiel couldn't resist it. He leant down, kissed the side of his neck, feeling the sweaty, salty skin and then nipped at him, clawing at his stomach. 

“Cas!” Dean moaned unable to hold back. And Cas loved the way his name sounded on those perfect lips, loved the way he said it with so much ecstasy. Dean leaned his head up, turned and kissed him full on the lips. His hips still rolled, he still lifted and sat back down. Castiel loved how warm he was, loved how his heat surrounded him completely and he never wanted this moment to end. Never. 

But everything always had to end. He thought of how much the needed to end this before someone came looking, but at the same time he didn't want to rush. He brushed his hand down Dean's stomach, gently, going lower and lower, until he reached Dean's erection, gripping it firmly in his grasp. Dean bucked into him, groaning into Cas's mouth as he licked and swirled their tongues together. 

His pace didn't falter, though. He kept the movements going, kept their mouths moving as Cas fisted his cock, as he moved his hand up and down his shaft, twisting and swiping his thumb over the tip. 

He could feel Dean tense, could feel that he was close, so Cas started pushing into him, moving his own hips in time with Dean, needing to bring it on, needing to feel Dean reach his end. He could feel himself getting closer. He both dreaded it and welcomed it. 

Their mouths still worked together, but then he felt Dean's cock twitch, felt the warm substance leak from the tip of his cock. Their hips still moved together, but they were no longer kissing, instead Dean was screaming, his lips inches from his. Cas felt his own release coming on, watching Dean loose his control like that made it so much better. He could feel Dean shake above him, could feel him vibrate as he let out stream after stream. 

Then Cas felt his own cock twitch, felt the pleasure deep in his own stomach, felt himself filling the hole that surrounded him so completely. He shook violently as the pleasure consumed him, screaming Dean's name. 

He thought it would never end, thought he would keep going forever. Never had he felt something so strong. He finally slowed his hips as did Dean. He released his hand from Dean's softening erection, feeling the stickiness there but not caring in the slightest. His whole body hummed with satisfaction. He was still buried deep within Dean, could feel his hole clenching and unclenching. If he didn't move, he would become hard again. 

Carefully, gently, he raised Dean off his cock and he felt it slip wetly from the heat, could feel his own release seep out, dripping onto him, but he paid it no mind. Dean moved willingly, landing with a soft thump onto the mattress, pulling Castiel with him. Both of them led on their sides, facing each other, breathing heavy, legs intertwined, hands linked between their sweaty bodies. Dean reached up with his free hand and brushed away Cas's sweaty hair from his forehead. He watched with fascination as Dean looked upon him with so much adoration it took his breath away. He had never seen such a look upon his face before and it both frightened him and made him happy. 

Neither one of them felt the need to move, neither of them felt the need to talk. But as time wore on he knew they couldn't ignore this forever. He sucked air through his teeth, willing himself the courage to break the moment. “I'm sorry,” he whispered finally. 

He had expected Dean to push away, to look sad and wistful at the same time but he didn't. He smiled happily at him, pushing his fingers through Cas's dark hair still. “I know,” was all he said and Castiel allowed himself to indulge in the moment. 

“I love you, Dean.” 

Dean leant forward, pressing a brief but pleasurable kiss to his lips, when he pulled back to look him in the eyes, he finally understood what Dean had been talking about all these years. The way Cas looked at him with such intensity was now mirrored in Dean's eyes. 

“We should move,” Dean finally said, feeling the stickiness between them. Cas sighed and waved a hand, cleaning him. He shouldn't use his grace like this, but right now, he really didn't care. 

“I'm not ready,” he said in way of an explanation. 

Dean just smiled, brushing his fingers down his cheek. “Me neither.” 

Castiel wrapped his arms tightly around him, burying his face into the crook of his neck. He never wanted this moment to end, never wanted to let him go. But a knock at the door ruined it all. 

Dean groaned, a different groan to his earlier ones. This one said 'of course there would be interruptions' and he was highly frustrated with it. “Yeah.” 

“You two coming out any time soon. Jack thinks he's found a case.” Sam shouted through the door, clear as day. 

“Be out in a minute.” Dean shouted back. He pulled Castiel back, an apologetic look in his eyes. But he was also scared, fear guiding his next words. “This isn't the end, right? When we leave this room, we'll come right back?” 

Cas smiled, knowing where that fear came from and willing to reassure him. “Of course.” He kissed him briefly. “I plan on dealing with this case and then coming back to this bed and pleasuring you some more.” 

Dean rolled his eyes but smiled all the same. He sat and went to climb off the bed but another urgency fuelled his voice. He waited for Dean to set his eyes upon him, a question in them. “I love you.” 

He smiled down at him, kissed him one more time then got up. 

Real life was getting in the way. But later, later he would make sure there would be no interruptions because he was planning on showing him just how much he loved him. Over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment...


	11. Chapter 11

Its too bright here. Too noisy. Too much. Everything is too much. 

Feeling so many emotions, so many things. 

Its slivering through the streets, searching, always searching. 

A car honks in the distant and it sees so many people. So many people shouting. It moves it head towards the chaos. It mustn't get distracted. It has one mission, one mission only. But the smell of blood is too alluring. It needs to feed. It needs to eat. Its too crowded, though. Too many people. It moves on, sniffing and licking at the air. 

As it sniffs in the oxygen, it can feel itself start to choke. It won't last long here. A slow idea forms in its mind and it slowly smiles. It knows it doesn't look like a smile, but it knows that's what it is. It continues through the streets, searching for the perfect vessel. Too young. Too old. Too ill. Too everything. The vessel needs to be strong. The vessel needs to be willing. The vessel needs to be perfect. If it has any chance at completing the mission, it needs to be just right. 

It searches. Always searching. It continues the motion of moving. But then it spots something. Someone. The man is sitting in some cardboard boxes, dirty clothes, dirty skin, dirty hair. This man looks sad. It doesn't understand that emotion properly, it knows about it, has heard about it, but has never seen or experienced it. It doesn't feel emotions like humans do. Its different somehow.

Moving down the filthy alley littered with rubbish, it moves towards the man, searching this creature. This human looks strong. As it sniffs at the man, it realises that this man doesn't see him, doesn't sense him. Perfect. He will not see it coming. It sniffs at him, wondering if this will do. 

What does it smell? He has gone through some hard times and has survived, that much is glaringly obvious. He has suffered and come out the other side, if this was the definition of strong...

It looks from side to side, behind, trying to see if it is being watched. A few people pass the entrance to the alley, seeing a homeless man, but not seeing anything else and its glad. Nothing will be spotted. Nothing out of the ordinary. 

It catches a glimpse of itself in a reflection and if it had eyebrows like this human, it would frown. It has never seen itself before, never had the occasion to. It notices its like liquid. Black, swirling liquid. Its fascinating. 

Realising it has gotten distracted, it focuses back on the human and slithers up its body, licking at the air around the human. It moves deliciously slow, savouring this moment. It has never entered a vessel before and it wants to enjoy every moment of this. It moves closer and notices that the human hasn't sensed it. 

It reels backwards and in one swift movement it pushes forward, cocooning the humans face in its body. The man is suffocating, it can feel the human tense and then start to thrash about. Someone is yelling in the distance because they have seen, but they can't see it, just a man chocking. It continues to push forward, through the mouth, through the eyes, the nose and ears. The man is thrashing harder, but it just concentrates on entering him, on possessing this stupid creature. 

There are hands grabbing at the man, trying to help, but the stupid humans haven't realised yet that there is no helping this man. This man is already dead. Finally its inside, taking up every room of the cage, feeling the man's feelings, feeling his thoughts. It takes in a gasp through a mouth that isn't its. But it doesn't care. Its able to do what it came here to do now. 

It glances around, seeing humans, seeing everything so much more clearly through these human eyes. There is other human eyes, staring at him, open mouthed. It stands and glares at them all, these insignificant creatures, and pushes past them, resisting the urge to kill them all. Now is not the time for that kind of behaviour. It can't draw notice to itself. Not yet. 

Having no idea what its powers would be like in this form means it would be very bad if it attracts the wrong attention too soon. No, it needs to bide its time, test itself first. Here isn't perfect, its too crowded, too many witnesses. 

So it moves on, down the alley and down the street, taking in everything around it. Taking in all these enormous buildings and theses strange people. 

It needs somewhere closed off, somewhere private to practise. It needs to be ready. 

It needs to find a way to destroy Castiel the angel. 

-Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural 

Cas couldn't have been happier. 

He hadn't been rejected. He was living the life he truly wanted. He had Dean, he had Jack and Sam. Life couldn't have been more perfect. During the case that Jack had found for them, he could feel Dean's excitement seep through his own system. It was infectious. Even Jack and Sam were picking up on it. 

That was until Jack had lost control. 

It had been Sam's idea to take Jack home, to drop the case, get someone else to do it. And Cas thought that was a good idea because as he looked upon Jack, he saw how miserable he was, how guilt-ridden he was. They needed to get him away from this town, away from this situation. But Dean had never liked leaving a case. Of course he understood getting Jack back to the bunker. He understood the need for them to leave. 

Now, as he stood in their motel room, he felt torn because Jack needed to go home, but Dean wanted to stay and finish the case. Cas knew why Dean wanted to stay and he was good at supporting that decision. But what was he suppose to do? A huge part of him wanted to stay with Dean, didn't want to leave him just yet. He wasn't ready to ignore that usual pull towards him. On the other hand, he knew Jack needed him. If anyone understood losing control, it was him… and Sam. So what was he suppose to do? 

Sam had taken Jack down to the Impala, leaving Cas hovering in the middle of the room, watching Dean as he moved around the room, gathering everyone's belongings, everyone's except his own. He frowned when he realised that he was also packing for him. Did Dean not want him to stay? Sam could take care of Jack on his own, surely. 

Dean looked up and froze, his hand hovering above a duffel bag, holding one of Cas's t-shirts. Even though he doesn't have a need for them any more, Dean had insisted that it would be more comfortable to lie in bed with and Cas had to agree. It was more comfortable. “What's wrong?” He heard the way Dean's voice shook a little. No one else would have caught it, not even Sam, but he did. 

He tilted his head to the side and worried his bottom lip a little. Did he voice his concerns or just ignore it and go along with the plans? He watched as Dean sighed and dropped the t-shirt, standing straight and crossing his arms over his chest. Cas had come to learn that this was a defensive posture. Was he protecting himself from something? 

“Cas, tell me what's wrong.” 

Cas allowed his own sigh to leave his lips. From past experiences he had learned that lying probably wasn't the best move. “You're packing my things.” 

Dean dropped his arms and glanced at the open bag that held Cas's belongings. When he looked up again, his eyes had softened. “Yeah. You need to go with them. Sam can't handle Jack alone if he loses control again.” 

Cas smiled shyly then, shame filling him. He had been quick to judge and he felt the guilt swim through him but ignored it and favoured the warm feeling that his words gave him as the realisation hit. But he needed to clarify what this meant. “So… you don't want me to leave?” 

Dean smiled then and moved closer, wrapping his arms around his waist, bring their crotches together. “Of course not. But it has to be this way. Am I going to miss you like crazy? Yes. Will I be able to sleep without you next to me?” He shrugged flippantly. “Who needs sleep anyway?” 

Cas allowed his smile to brighten. But the guilt niggled at his insides. “I'm sorry. I jumped to conclusions.” 

He dipped his head so he didn't have to look at him, the shame was starting to consume him. He felt firm fingers grip his chin and tilt his head back up so he had no choice but to gaze into those perfect green eyes that he felt he would drown in if Dean didn't have a firm grip upon him. “It's okay. This is still new and we both still have issues that need working through. But we'll get there, eventually.” 

Dean leaned forward and pressed their lips together and Cas hummed into it, loving the feeling of those plump lips against his. He would never tire of this feeling. But all too soon, Dean pulled away and stepped back. “Come on,” he said, “we still have a lot of packing to do. Come help.” 

-Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural -

With all the packing done and loaded in the car, they were finally ready to leave. Jack was in the back seat and Sam was already in the driver's seat. Cas turned to face Dean and before he knew what was happening, he was being pushed up against the Impala and Dean's hands were gripping the sides of his face. 

“I love you, Cas.” 

He didn't have time to respond before Dean was licking and tasting him. Cas grabbed the back of his head, pushing them closer. The kiss was heated, their hands groping each other, as though the other couldn't get enough. Dean moaned and pressed his body closer, trapping him. He didn't care though, he loved the feeling of this. He just hated how he wouldn't get to do this for a few days, at least. 

The car honked behind them, but neither of them pulled away. Cas didn't want this moment to end, he didn't want to say goodbye, not yet. But it was inevitable. With a few more honks from the car, Dean finally pulled away but not letting him go. Cas watched as Dean licked his lips. He could feel his heart beating so hard, he was sure Dean could hear it. 

Another honk of the car and Dean glowered. He placed one tiny kiss upon his lips and put some distance between them. He looked through the passenger window just as another honk sounded. “We get the fucking picture, Sam.” 

Cas pulled the door open and hesitated. He didn't want to leave, not yet. He turned and looked at Dean, who had now stepped onto the pavement, watching with a grim expression on his face. Cas didn't even think about it, didn't need to. All he could think about was showing that he was going to miss him too. He closed the distance and watched distantly as Dean's eyes widened in surprise. His lips pressed to his and once again he revelled in the feeling of them together. He decided on an action that Dean probably wouldn't approve of, but he didn't care. He gripped his ass in his hands and crushed their groins together as he deepened the kiss. 

Abruptly he pulled away, released his ass and smiled at Dean's raised eyebrows. “I love you, too.” And without waiting for a reply, he turned and walked back to the Impala, slid in and slammed the door shut. He looked out at Dean and felt his heart sink as they left him behind. 

When he looked over at Sam, he saw him grinning from ear to ear and he tilted his head in confusion. What did he have to be so happy about? “What?” He may have asked that too sharply but it didn't make Sam stop. 

“You two are just too cute.” 

Cas cringed and ignored him, his mind drifting back to Dean and prayed to his absent father to keep him safe. That's all he needed, Dean back in one piece. 

-Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural 

Cas tried to be reassuring and comforting to Jack, tried to support him and make him better. But it didn't work. Nothing he said worked. Even Sam tried, and usually Sam was good at these sort of things. Nothing they said or did worked. 

The relief was obvious when Dean returned in one piece. A few scratches here and there, but nothing serious. Cas felt his eyes slide over his form just to be sure. He had missed him immensely and he found it really hard not to run to him. 

Everyone was shocked when Jack took off, misunderstanding that he needed to keep them all safe. Cas felt lost, felt useless, felt sorrow and guilt for him. He wanted to run after him, follow him. But reason leaked through and he knew he would never find him, never. If Jack wanted to disappear then he would and there was nothing any of them could do about it. 

He was currently slouched over the map table as Sam was rattling off ideas that they could use to find him. Not concentrating on him, he could feel Dean's eyes boring a hole into him, could feel him practically screaming at him in his mind.

Catching him off guard, he felt Dean's hand grabbing his and then he was being pulled through the bunker. Cas could hear Sam's protests, but they both ignored him as they fled from the room. All too soon he was being pushed inside Dean's room. He spun and watched Dean with wide eyes. It was the first time he had actually laid eyes on his since Jack's departure. He just couldn't handle it if Dean blamed him, if Dean felt it was all his fault for losing him like that. So he was careful not to look at him. But now he could see that Dean was tense and also avoiding his eyes as he moved around his room. Cas watched with confusion as he grabbed a duffel bag and started stashing Cas's clothes into it, a bit too violently for his liking. 

He stayed quiet though, unsure of what was going on. He could practically feel the rage pouring off him and when Dean was like this, there was no reasoning with him. He wondered what had caused this, but he was a little scared to ask, afraid of what that answer might bring. 

All too soon, Dean stopped and held out the duffel bag for him to take. Slowly and cautiously he took it. “Go.” 

Cas felt his heart constrict painfully at that one word and his eyes blew wide open. “What?” he managed to croak. He didn't understand. Why was Dean kicking him out? Had he done something he shouldn't off? He tried to think back, but he couldn't think off anything. They had left on good terms, and barely said anything to each other since Jack left. Unless… unless he truly did blame him. 

“You're going to leave anyway. May as well get it over with.” His voice was cold and distant and it tugged painfully at him. A few days ago they had been fine and now… now they could barely look at each other, could barely touch each other. What happened? 

But Cas forced himself to look into Dean's eyes. Dean held contempt and anger but Cas made sure he saw that he was hurting him by saying these words. He had expected his eyes to soften, just a little, but they didn't. “I don't want to leave.” He hated how exposed he sounded, how vulnerable, how broken he was. 

“You will, though, Cas. That's just who you are. You're going to go after him because you blame yourself and you will see it as your responsibility to bring him back. That's just who you are. I can see it, your desperate to go after him. So… I'm skipping to the end. No point in you torturing yourself any more. I'm making the decision for you. Go.” 

Cas couldn't help himself, he allowed the tears to fall and he pressed a hand to his chest. He felt like his heart was going to explode with the pain he was feeling. “I thought… I thought we were going to deal with everything together. What happened… What happened to you, Sam and me, together?” 

Dean didn't allow his face to waver, didn't drop the stern expression. “It's time we be honest with ourselves, Cas. You're not happy, not unless you're out they're helping. So Go.” 

He couldn't. He couldn't leave. He didn't want to. He took in a lungful of air and wiped his tears away. “You're right.” He watched as Dean's face fell slightly, but then he recovered quickly. It was just a flash, but he saw it and he knew Dean didn't really want him to leave. “I'm not happy just sitting here. It hurts to know that this is my fault and… I should have been able to stop him. I have this itch inside of me and it won't settle until I scratch it. I need to go after him and it hurts that I can't do that.” 

Dean didn't move, didn't say anything. He just waited, whether he was waiting for Cas to just turn and leave or to continue talking, he didn't know. Cas took a deep breath and continued. “But this… this hurts more.” His voice broke as the tears burned his flushed cheeks. “I made you a promise. Together. Always. If you really want me to leave… then I will, but I'm not going anywhere unless you force me to.” 

He had expected Dean to soften, to smile. Something. But there was nothing. He didn't move and Cas could see that he was trying to work it out in his mind. As the minutes ticked by he felt the fear push forward. He couldn't take it any more. “Do… do you want me to leave?” 

Dean still didn't move, didn't soften, didn't do anything. Defeated, Cas nodded and tried to swallow past the lump that had formed in his throat. He turned and walked to the door, gripping the bag in his hands. He paused, his hand holding the handle. Looking over his shoulder, he smiled sadly. Dean still hadn't moved and it worried him but if he wanted him to leave then that's what he would do. “I just… I just want you to know that I love you and… this past week…. Its been the happiest of my life… and its been a really long life.”

With one last look at the man he would never stop loving, he opened the door and then it slammed shut. He looked up to see a hand pressing it closed. His heart sped up and turned to see Dean staring at him, his eyes full of fury. 

Cas let out a sharp gasp as he was swung around and pushed hard against the door. Dean pressed his body close, pinning him to the wood and a hand cupped his cheek. Those eyes didn't soften though, not for an instant. “Why did you have to make me promise, too?” 

Gulping, he felt his heart start to beat again, felt it pick up pace and he gazed at Dean's angry expression. “Promise?” he asked through his shaky voice. Where was he going with this? 

“You leaving is for the best. For you. Its for the best. But… you made me promise not to push you away to protect you and… fuck! I can't let you walk out that door without knowing that its been the happiest time of my life too.” 

Cas felt his heart droop again and felt the tears sting as they made their way down his face. Why wouldn't they stop? “You… you still want me to go, don't you?” 

“Want it? No! Of course I don't. But you're going to anyway. Because you need to and I fucking get it, I really do.” 

Cas shook his head and pushed against him, using his angel strength just a little. He needed his space, needed to gather his thoughts. He watched as, for the first time, Dean's anger vanished and looked truly shocked. “Yes I need to. But I need you more!” His voice had risen and he was practically shaking with his anger. “Why don't you understand yet? I need you so much that this is killing me, slowly. Its killing me that your pushing me away again. I can't… I can't walk out that door. Not without you. We'll find him together. Because I need you. Because I fucking love you!”

Dean's mouth was open now, pure shock written in his eyes. Cas had sworn, which Dean had never heard him do before. He had shocked himself at his outburst but he just couldn't deal with these emotions any more. An explosion of anger erupted from him and he screamed as he threw his duffel bag across the room, crashing into the desk, sending everything spiralling to the floor. This is how Dean was suppose to act, not him. He had always managed to keep his emotions under-wraps. But he couldn't do it any more. He gripped his hair tightly and closed his eyes as he slid down the door. The tears were pouring down his cheeks, but he paid them no mind. He just needed this pain to stop, he needed Dean to tell him to stay, he needed Dean to say he needed him too. 

After a few minutes he felt his breathing even out, felt his heart slow down and he felt a little calmer. He peaked a glance at Dean and reeled back in shock, letting his hair go. Dean was sat crossed legged in front of him, concern etched upon his face and Cas had to gulp past the lump again. He didn't want pity, not from him. He wanted him to need him, to understand what he was trying to say, what he needed. He took in a shaky breath. “I'm sorry,” he whispered. The shame was starting to build up as the realisation of what he'd done crept into his mind. 

“It's okay,” Dean whispered. He wanted Dean to reach out, touch him, reassure him, but he didn't and he felt the sadness explode in his chest. 

“No, its not. I lost control and… Its just...”

“You need me?” Dean offered a weak smile and it didn't settle right with him. 

“Yes, but… its more than that. I don't think… I don't think I can survive without you. I think… I think if you kick me out now… I think I will really die.” 

Dean frowned. “You had no problems living without me on your terms.” 

Cas thumped his head back against the door and closed his eyes. “That was before I had a taste of what we could be. Now… now I never want to let that go. Never want to let you go.” 

He felt a thumb rub at his cheek, wiping away his tears and he opened his eyes to see Dean smiling sadly at him. “You really mean that, don't you?” Cas nodded, feeling his throat dry up. He had just expressed more than he ever had before and he didn't know if Dean would be accepting of this. “Why? I'm no one special, Cas. I'm just me, same old me.” 

Cas picked his head up off the door and glared. “Neither am I. I'm no one special either. But when you look at me, sometimes…. Sometimes I can believe that I can be, to you anyway.” 

He closed his eyes and waited for him to say something, hating this waiting. “I don't want to let you go either. Never.” Cas opened his eyes then, feeling his heart start to come back to life at those words. Dean sighed. “I'm no good at these touchy feely talks, but… I need you, too. So fucking much. Stay, please. Just… stay.” 

Cas lunged then. Sitting in his lap, he wrapped his arms around Dean's neck and kissed him, hard, trying to portray how much those words meant to him. He felt Dean grip him tightly and he sighed with relief. Dean still wanted him. He wanted him to stay. He pulled back and buried his head in the crook of his neck, inhaling his delicious, musky smell and allowed the tears to fall once more. They weren't tears of heartbreak this time, they were happy tears. Never in his life had he felt so emotional, never had he felt so needy, but he was. He needed Dean, so much and he was just so happy that Dean needed him to. 

He felt Dean's hand rub up and down his back and he pushed the side of his head into his temple. “I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Cas. I didn't mean to do this to you.” 

He pulled away then and looked down at Dean. He could see the guilt. “It's okay. You didn't know I would be like this. I didn't even know that.” He leant down and kissed him again, softer, caressing his tongue with his own. 

Dean pulled away first and reached up to stroke the tears away again. “I need you just as much, you know that right?” 

Cas smiled shyly at him, feeling his heart burst with happiness. “I do now.” They kissed again, just a small press of the lips, but still as loving and gentle. “We need to find Jack.” He hated to break the spell, hated to break this moment. But it wasn't fair to leave all the work to Sam. Dean sighed. 

“Yeah. Tomorrow, though. I just need to hold you.” He pushed Cas off and they both stood. He knew he should have argued against this, but he needed to be held, and in turn needed to hold Dean. Exhaustion was creeping in, which was strange because he was an angel, but maybe it was because of all these emotions. He had heard the phrase before – emotionally tired. Was that what was happening to him now? 

He followed Dean to the bed and they both led on top of the covers. Dean wrapped both arms around Cas's waist and brought him closer. Cas in turn gripped onto him, just to reassure him that they were still really together. He buried his face into Dean's chest and let out a content sigh. 

Before he could stop himself, before he could even question it, his eyes slipped shut and the darkness consumed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment...


	12. Chapter 12

The guilt knotted in his stomach as he held Cas to his chest, as he felt him breath in and out. He hadn't meant to hurt him like that, didn't even realise that was possible. It had been such a human thing to do, to loose control. He'd seen Cas angry, he'd seen him depressed, he'd seen him happy and sad, but this had been none of those thing, this had been Cas loosing control of everything. All the emotions he'd been feeling was out of control and Cas had no clue how to handle any of it.

Dean gripped tighter to the solid form, feeling the tears spring up in his eyes. He hadn't realised Cas's feelings had ran so deep. He knew the angel loved him, knew he wanted and needed him, but he didn't think it was quite so… desperate. He understood, of course, because he felt the same way, he thought he was the only one with that level of desperation.

Reaching up, he brushed a stray tear away with a swipe of his fingers. He'd almost fucked everything up, and that was not okay, none of it was okay. He knew Cas was feeling torn, torn between going after Jack and staying with him, he had just wanted to make it easier for him, to help him. Clearly that was the wrong thing to do.

A light tap sounded on the door, startling him. Slowly, and carefully, he extracted himself from Cas, trying desperately not to wake him and moved around the bed to answer the door. When he swung the door open, he saw Sam's grim face. He didn't look very happy, in fact, he was using his 'I'm happy for you and everything, but we have a major situation here' face. Dean sighed, and placed a finger against his lips. Sam nodded his understanding and stepped back, Dean followed, closing the door softly behind him.

Sam was frowning as he looked over Dean's shoulder at the closed door. Dean folded his arms across his chest, not really wanting to get into it all just yet, but knew it was coming. His heart sunk in his chest as Sam locked eyes with him, clear concern outweighing the frustration he had been feeling.

“Everything okay?” he asked softly and Dean wanted to be sick with how much concern it held. Or was it pity? He didn't know and he really didn't care. He had enough guilt without Sam passing judgement on him as well, he was doing a good enough job of that himself. Dean shook his head, indicating it wasn't okay, but he didn't want to talk. But Sam continued as though he hadn't seen anything, and Dean had to hold in a frustrated groan. Will his brother ever listen? “Cas asleep?”

“Yes,” Dean mumbled, more to his shoes than to his brother. The shame of the situation taunted him and he wanted to desperately shy away from it all, but at the same time he wanted or needed to run towards it, allow it to consume him because that's the least he deserved for putting Cas through this.

Sam raised his eyebrows at him, expecting an explanation to the situation. Dean couldn't help imagine what Sam was thinking. _How could Cas sleep while Jack is out there?_ _What did you do this time?_ When it was clear to Sam that he wasn't going to elaborate, he spoke in a hushed, cautious voice. “Should he be sleeping?”

Dean rolled his eyes. Guess he had been right about what his brother was thinking, and he was just standing there, passing judgement on the two of them, when he had no clue what had just passed. “I know we have Jack to find, but… but we had a little argument, nothing big and it wiped him out. We'll help tomorrow. I don't really wanna wake him.”

Sam frowned again. His eyebrows were like yo-yo's and Dean had to hold back a smile at the thought. “An argument?” Dean knew he was making it out to be less than it was, however, he didn't owe his brother any kind of explanation, he was lucky to get that much. Sam shook his head, his hair flapping round his ears. “Never mind. I don't need to know.” Dean felt the hope swarm through his system. Was his brother finally going to get the message and leave? Was he finally going to get a chance to wallow in his pity party before Cas woke? “That's not the point,” his brother continued. “The point is it must be a really big argument for you to have missed the obvious.”

Dean frowned then as the confusion pushed forward. “Obvious?” he asked a bit dumbly.

Sam placed a hand on his shoulder, sympathy in his eyes. “Dean, it must have been a pretty big argument, and I can tell you're blaming yourself for it… but I really don't think Cas should be sleeping.”

The confusion was still there. What was his brother on about? What was wrong with Cas sleeping? It was kind of nice to see him sleep for once, he never saw that. He searched his brother's face for answers and then it clicked. It all clicked. He raised his eyebrows as the cloud over his mind cleared. He had been completely stupid. Here he was, seething with his own guilt about what had been said and Cas was fucking _sleeping_. Angels don't fucking sleep.

Sam took a step back, satisfied that he'd finally gotten through. Dean didn't spare his brother another thought, he needed to wake Cas and he needed to do it now. A new urgency pushed him forward into his room and across over to his bed. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that Sam had closed the door behind him to give him some space, but he knew he was lurking out there, waiting, because Cas was Sam's friend and he was worried.

Turning his attention back to the man still huddled on the bed, he shook him, softly at first. “Cas?” He could feel his heart in his throat, pumping furiously as he shook him a bit harder. No reaction. “Cas?” he said louder, praying that he would just open his blue eyes. Over and over again he shook him, pleading with him to just wake up.

There was nothing. Not even a flicker.

“Sam!” His voice was getting more hoarse by the second, he could feel it getting scratchy. He heard his brother shuffle up behind him and he glanced helplessly at him. “He's not waking, Sammy!”

He could feel the tears burn his cheeks, could feel the panic swell inside him. He couldn't lose him, not like this. Not now. What if last night was his last memory of them? Climbing over the bed, he led down next to him, his eyes searching for some sign of life and the panic intensified when there wasn't anything. Please, God no, was all he could think. He gripped the angel's face in his hands and inched closer.

“Don't you dare leave me, Cas. Not like this, please. Please, wake up.”

He didn't care that he was pleading, he didn't care that his brother was watching. He just needed Cas to wake up. He placed a kiss on his lips and pulled back. It was just a small, sweet peck. “Please, Cas. Open your eyes.”

“Dean-”

“No! Don't you dare say it!”

Cas couldn't be dead. It wasn't possible. He's was resting, that was all. The tears were coming faster now, now that the realisation was sinking in. Cas may never wake up, he thought. He pushed back a sob as he watched Cas's lifeless form and closed his eyes against the death grip the grief had on his heart.

Distantly he heard his brother leave, heard the sound of the door closing. He paid it no mind as he pushed himself flush up against Cas's body. Burying his face in the crook of his neck and pleaded again for him to wake up, that he was sorry and that he really, really needed him to come back because he can't survive without him either.

-Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural

It is nice here. So much different to the normal darkness it is so use to.

There is so much to see. So much to take in. However, it had to find Castiel, the angel. It had practised for a long time, finding the right ways to use its powers. It isn't sure how long, it could have been hours, it could have been years, but now it has perfected its power. Its ready now.

As it uses this disgusting human to move from town to town in a blink of an eye, it constantly searches, powers reaching out, searching every face, every animal, everything. But the angel is nowhere. It must have searched every town in the entire world… twice. And still it couldn't find Castiel.

It could feel the frustration grow within this human vessel, could feel it building, slowly, like a fire. It has never felt frustration before and it decided he didn't much care for it. How did humans feel like this constantly?

Stopping inside a small town, it once again reached out its powers. And nothing. It wants to scream, wants to scream until its voice disintegrates. That, in itself, is strange, because it has never wanted or needed anything, anything except to sleep that is. So this urge is strange.

Slowly, it moves through the streets, watching the humans moving about in a hurry. Where could the angel be? Where would be strong enough to hide him? It stops abruptly, tilting the human head to the side and scrunching up its nose. Has the angel figured out its here? Surely not. Its been careful, so very careful.

It carries on, wondering the streets, trying to figure out a way to find the annoying little angel. -

Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural

Dean didn't know how long it had been since Sam left, since his whole world crumbled before him. He didn't really care either. Finding Jack, saving his Mom, helping Sam, none of it seemed important any more.

He rolled Cas over onto his back to get a better look at his face. He looked so peaceful, so content… he looked asleep. It was very cliché of him to think that, but that's exactly what he looked like. He wasn't asleep, though. He was dead. Dead and gone. He didn't know how it happened, there wasn't a single mark on him. The thought had entered his mind, of course it had. What if it had been the emotions? What if he wasn't suppose to feel all this and it somehow killed him? He didn't think that was even possible, especially if Cas had loved him for as long Dean had loved him for. But the thought was still there, still at the back of his mind.

Slowly, he pulled himself to a sitting position, feeling his bones creak from the lack of movement. He rubbed a hand down his face and glanced at the angel again. He felt the grief consuming him, taking his breath away. How was he suppose to go on without him? He'd already done this once, already grieved for him, but this time was worse, this time he had him to lose.

As he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, he felt like he was suffocating, felt like his whole body was ready to collapse into itself. He desperately clutched at his chest, gripping with everything he had, his knuckles turning white. He needed this searing pain, this grief, to go. He couldn't cope with the possibility that Cas wasn't coming back. Perhaps if he knew what had happened he could figure out a way to get him back, make a deal or something, but he didn't know.

Standing on shaky legs, he gripped his night stand, releasing his chest. Carefully, he turned and glanced down at the man lying in the middle of his bed. All he could think of was how he was suppose to survive this, how was he suppose to go on? Then there was all things he would miss out, they plagued his mind and he clutched at his head with his other hand, trying to rid himself of the thoughts. Never would he see his eyes, hear his voice. Never would he kiss him. Never would he see him smile. Never would he get to feel his body up against his… and so on.

The pictures of their kisses in the past, of the times in this bed, started pushing their way forward, replacing what he would never have again, to the ones he had once experienced. The kiss against the Impala, the kiss on the side walk, the way he had felt so full of Cas before being taken away by that stupid case. The way he smelled, the way he tasted… all of it was starting to consume him.

No longer able to hold himself up, he collapsed on the floor, barely registering the pain in his knees as they made contact with the hard floor beneath him. The tears once again came and he let out an almighty yell, screaming until his voice cracked, just so he could feel some relief from the pain.

In the distant, beyond his pain, he heard footsteps echo outside his door, growing louder and louder as they came closer. He knew it was his brother, knew he'd heard him. Dean clutched at his stomach, trying to get a grip on himself as the sobs wrecked his body. The silence of the room was deafening and all he wanted, all he needed, was to hear Cas's usual greeting, in his usual gravelly voice, pulling him from this nightmare.

The door swung open, banging against the wall. With his head feeling heavy, he lifted it and through blurry eyes, saw Sam standing there, shrouded by the light from the corridor. His chest was heaving, up and down; up and down, his nostrils flared and his eyes zeroed in on Dean.

Dean couldn't say anything as he trembled, as he felt the tears still pour down his flushed cheeks. He didn't even think his voice would work if he tried to speak. His eyes did the speaking for him, pleading with his brother to help him, to help Cas, because there was no way he could do anything, not with this weight crushing his insides. Sam rushed to his side in a flash of clothes and bouncing hair, kneeling on the floor, wrapping his arms around him. Dean felt the warm body next to his, felt the solid grip and it only made him cry harder. He needed his brother to take control, to take the lead on this. A huge part of him wanted to push Sam away, yell at him to do something, but he couldn't move, couldn't gather the energy needed for such an outburst.

Sam whispered in his ear, felt that the words were meant to be reassuring, but what those words were, he couldn't say. They rocked back and forth, Sam shushing him, and Dean cried. Distantly he knew this time was different because he's never cried like this over anyone, not even Sam. When Cas had died before, it shocked him into anger and despair, but nothing like this. He felt crippled from the weight of the grief and he couldn't hold back his agony.

Eventually he felt the sobs subside, felt the tears drying on his face. The words his brother was whispering came to the forefront of his mind, louder and more insistent. He still couldn't make them out, but he wasn't bothered, he just revelled in the comfort of his soothing voice. Sam pulled back a little, trying to get a look at Dean when he sensed he was calmer. Dean refused to look at him as the embarrassment of what he was doing settled in his mind.

“Dean?” His brother's voice pierced through the fog and he leant back, removing the solid arms and settling his eyes on the floor. He couldn't look at his brother and neither could he look at Cas. He couldn't be reminded that he was really gone.

“Help him,” he mumbled and he dry coughed as his throat stuck together.

When his coughs died out, he peeked at his brother out the corner of his eyes and what he saw broke his heart. Sam was not just worried for him, he was devastated, heartbroken and looked completely helpless. He knew in the pit of his stomach that Sam didn't have a clue how to help Cas, help his older brother. The brotherly urge to wrap him up and give him all his strength, pushed forward. He could protect his brother, needed to protect him. He shouldn't feel any of this pain, shouldn't feel the loss of Cas.

There was no strength to give and it made the tears drip from his lashes. He couldn't offer the comfort Sam needed and he couldn't protect Cas when he was led _right there_, in his arms. In that moment, he knew he wasn't coming back from this. He knew the guilt was going to consume him, the grief was going to kill him and his brother would eventually be all alone.

“Dean, we'll figure something out. We'll get him back.”

Dean really looked at his brother then, really looked at him. Sam had his determined face on and if it had been any other situation, he would have smiled reassuringly at him, because Sam was trying, he was really trying to offer him comfort. “How?” His voice croaked from overuse and he coughed through it. He needed an answer, he needed to know that feeling like this wouldn't be forever.

Deep down, he knew otherwise. There was no way Cas was going to come back, there was no way to get him back because they didn't know how he died. He didn't know what caused this. He heaved a sigh as Sam dropped his eyes to the floor. He didn't know either.

\- Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural

It sensed something. It sensed something huge as it made its way up a winding road. He cocked its vessel's head to the side, coming to a stop, and squinting through the brightness of the day. Before it was a huge metal door, leading inside a hill. A surge of energy was coming from it and it knew, it knew that Castiel was here.

Walking towards the door, it stopped just short of it. Castiel had to be here, but something was different, something it couldn't quite put its human finger on. Slowly and cautiously, it raised its arms and with a light, feather touch, it touched the door.

The earth shook, making the human go off balance. It glanced around and noticed that everything was shaking with it. It felt a jolt of electricity shoot through its arms as rocks tumbled from the hillside, as car horns started beeping in the distant, as screams could be heard. The whole earth was literally shaking. The electricity felt like a tickle, not that it knows what a tickle feels like, but it removed its hand and the earth suddenly stopped.

It took a step back, and squinted harder at the door. Deciding that using its powers might be a good idea, it zoned in on the door and instantly spotted what it hadn't before. There are many, many sigils dotted around the entire area, not just the place it had touched. It had never seen or felt anything quite like this before, but it smiled all the same.

These doodles wouldn't keep it out for long.

-Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural

The bunker shook, like it was an earthquake. Dean landed on his ass, painfully, as did Sam. Objects clattered to the floor, furniture shook and collapsed. Both brothers looked at each other with raised eyebrows. For a single moment, Dean's grief was replaced by shock and curiosity. What was _that_?

Sam gripped his arm, and together they stood. His heart was beating erratically in his chest as he tried to stay up right. “What's going on?” he yelled at his brother. Sam just shook his head, looking around the room with wide eyes. Dean did the same, watching as the guns dropped from the wall to the floor.

It was time he took charge. He pulled Sam with him as he made his way towards the door, both of them stumbling as though drunk. When they reached the corridor, they heard popping sounds as every light went out. This lasted only seconds and the bunker was shrouded in darkness. The only thing Dean was aware of was his brothers arm in his grasp. Only seconds later, the generator picked up and a dim light showed the empty corridor. Dean looked at his brother and shrugged. The bunker finally stopped shaking, the silence grew as things stopped falling.

“What the hell was that?” his voice was still scratchy, but he paid it no mind. He couldn't distract himself from this current situation.

“Not a clue.”

Dean finally released his brother and signalled for his brother to go check out the rest of the bunker. He couldn't leave Cas yet, he wasn't ready. The grief was slowly starting to seep back in. But when he looked at his brother, who hadn't moved yet, he noticed that Sam wasn't even looking at him. Instead, his gaze was focused inside Dean's room. His eyes were wide and his mouth hanging open.

Curiously, he followed his eye line and froze. His heart stopped, his blood ran cold because what he was seeing couldn't be possible. Could it? Even if it wasn't possible, he could feel the relief and the hope sink back into his system. He felt his heart start beating again.

Cas was sat up on the bed, breathing heavily, eyes wide and mouth open. His hand was clutched to his head and he looked very, very alive.

Dean went to move, wanted to grab him, touch him, make sure he was real, that he was really there. Before he could, Cas swivelled his head to look at him. Only him. It was as if Sam wasn't even there and a small part of Dean wanted to jump with joy at that, because it was such a Cas thing to do.

Again, the urge to run to him came on strong. He had barely gotten two steps when Cas spoke in barely a whisper and the words shook him to his very core, making him freeze all over again.

“It's coming.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the pain... Please let me know what you think.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long update. I really wanted to get this one right. I knew where I wanted it to go but every time I started to type it wouldn't come out how I wanted. I must have written then first part of the chapter about four times before I became happy with it. Please let me know what you think... I'm really nervous. 
> 
> Thank you to all those who have supported the story so far, it really means the world to me. Thank you. 
> 
> Enjoy...

The bunker shook again, longer and heavier than all the others. Furniture snapped and cracked, photos crashed and smashed, books tumbled and thumped, light bulbs exploded and darkness was starting to descend, room by room. The back-up generator was letting out a strange, high-pitched noise that echoed through the corridors.

Dean Winchester barely paid any of this his attention, he barely heard his brother leave the room to investigate the generator. All he could see was Cas, sitting up on the bed, staring at him… _alive_.

With his heart thumping like a drum, he cautiously moved forwards, terrified that this was all in his imagination, that the love of his life wasn't really here. He froze when Cas swung his legs over the side of the bed, his mouth set in a grim line and his eyes flashed with the angelic power he possessed.

“Dean?” he asked curiously, with the small cock of his head that made Dean's stomach flutter nervously. This was really him, he knew that. But what if this was some cruel joke? What if he gets snatched away again? “We need to move, now.”

Cas stood, his trench coat slightly flapping with the movement. Dean gulped and licked his lips. He needed to ask, needed to find out what had happened. None of what was happening outside the bunker, to the bunker, mattered, not yet. “W-what happened to you?”

The power in Cas's eyes disappeared instantly, leaving them soft and full of love. “Later. I promise. Right now we need to move, Dean.”

Disappointment ran through him. He didn't want that, he needed to know now. The grief was still too raw, too real. Before Dean could even blink, Cas was pushing past him. Panic replaced the disappointment. He couldn't let him go yet, he couldn't go back to the real world, not without knowing.

Gripping Cas's hand in his, he swung him around. He barely had time to register Cas's eyes opening wide with shock as he crashed their lips together. The angel immediately melted into him, kissing him back just as vigorously, tongues battling together. Dean's head spun at the contact, at the taste and feel of it. This was real, he was real. He was really there with him, alive. He didn't want this moment to ever end as the relief coursed through his veins.

But his brain was starting to catch up. There was a very real threat, coming to destroy his angel, maybe them all. He needed to get his head back in the game, now. He pulled back and pressed his forehead against Cas's, his eyes opening to latch onto blue. “Don't you _ever_ do that to me again. Understand?” His voice held an authoritative note as he whispered the words.

Cas's eyes widened slightly, mouth hanging open. Dean knew, in that moment, that Cas had no idea what had been going on in Dean's head when he was passed out. All the angel could do was nod his acceptance.

Not wasting any more time, he gripped the hand tighter and pulled Cas along with him. He had no idea where he was going. The corridor was almost pitch black, but he didn't slow his pace as he made his way further into the bunker. His first thought was to find Sammy. Once they had found him, they needed to figure out a way to get rid of the creature outside. There was no way he was going to lose the angel again, he was never going to feel that way ever, not if he had anything to say about it.

Only a few minutes later, they literally bumped into Sam rounding a corner, his chest heaving and nostrils flaring, face flushed, fear in his eyes. “The generator isn't working and I can't figure out why.” His voice came broken and breathy as he looked from Dean to Cas.

Tightening his hold on Cas, he felt the his own fear swarm his system. The bunker was suppose to be the safest place on earth, nothing should be able to penetrate its wall. Whatever was succeeding at coming through had to be powerful, more powerful than anything else they've ever encountered.

Cas squeezed his hand back, a reassuring gesture that instantly calmed Dean. He was here and alive, whatever came next, they could deal with together.

“Is there a way to destroy this son of a bitch?” he asked Cas, looking him square in the eye. He looked grim under the dim glow of the remaining lights and Dean knew he wasn't going to like the answer.

The bunker shook again, somehow more violent than the last one. It wasn't going to take this creature long to get through. They needed a plan and they needed it now.

“We can't kill it. Not only would it be almost impossible, but its the only thing keeping The Empty organised. If it dies...” He didn't need to say that he didn't know, but everyone knew it would be very bad, catastrophic even. “But there may be a way to send it back there.”

That seemed like a good plan. It was obvious now that Cas was going to take the lead on this. “But,” Sam asked cautiously, “won't it just escape again?”

Cas sighed. “No, not if we do it properly. There is a sigil that will not only send it back, but when activated, will keep it there permanently.”

“Sounds good. But won't it find a way to get around it?” Sam didn't seem as optimistic as Dean, in fact he seemed quite the opposite.

“No. The only way for it to break free is if someone breaks the lock on it.”

Sam nodded his acceptance. “What's needed for the sigil? There has to be a catch.”

Dean looked from his brother to the angel and felt his heart stop as Cas shifted next to him, his eyes darting anywhere that wasn't the brothers. There was a catch and it wasn't going to be a good one. “We'll deal with that when we get to it. For now, its our only plan.”

Dean could get on board with that. Sam nodded again and they both followed Cas back down the corridor towards the library. Dean refused to release Cas. Something bad was coming, something that wasn't like the creatures they had fought before and he wasn't ready to let go yet. This feeling deep in the pit of his stomach made him shiver.

Whatever the catch was, he suspected, Cas was going to pay the price.

-Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural

Agitation hummed through its vessel. This isn't going how he had hoped. Too slow.

It could hear murmurs from within this bunkers walls, nothing distinguishable, as it sent out a wave of dark energy towards the next sigil. These symbols were powerful, more so than anything he'd felt before, nothing its powers couldn't handle, though. Raising the vessels arms, he set the power hurtling towards the symbol. Nothing happened for a moment, but then the earth shook, the symbol lit up a sparkling red. It is a strange symbol, one it has never encountered before. Most of these drawings were squiggly lines, triangles, squares and circles. Different patterns. It would almost go as far as saying they were beautiful, especially when lit up the way they are.

This particular pattern is harder than the others, taking more energy than its suppose to take. It doesn't make it waver, or flinch. It continues to push at it, attacking it with an invisible force. It takes too long, longer than it would like. Castiel, the angel, will surely be figuring out a plan of attack. That wouldn't do. If it ever has a chance of destroying the angel and his friends, then now would be the time to enter this strange place.

Eventually, the symbol lets of a blast so strong that it sends its vessel flying through the air, tumbling head over heels as the wind pushes past. It lands hard onto the concrete floor. If it had been human, it would have hurt all over, or perhaps broken a couple of bones, but it wasn't human and a fall like that didn't do much damage.

It stood and watched as the last of the light went out from the symbol. Breathing a sigh of relief, it moved onto the next one. There weren't many left now. Just a few more. But the most powerful one of the lot is yet to come. It knows it has the power to destroy it, but that was before it used so much power on the others. Regret fills it to the brim. It should have done that one first. A silly mistake, a human mistake.

Never mind. It will have to make do. No matter what, it will make it through in one piece and tear that angel apart, and his friends, too, if they cause it any problems. -

Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural – Supernatural

The library was still illuminated by the back-up generators, thankfully. It was gloomy and shadows were cast across the floor and the furniture. Books were strewn everywhere, chairs upturned and the lamps toppled over. Dean cast a wary eye across the disaster and wondered how in the hell they were suppose to find what they were looking for in this mess.

Nobody said anything, each casting their eyes across the job at hand. This was going to take too much time, time they didn't have. Shocking him, Cas released his hand, and Dean fought against the urge to chase after him as he made his way across the piles of books. He fisted his hands at his sides and took in a deep breath to calm himself down. He was being needy and he hated it. Never, in all his years of relationships, has he ever felt like this. Maybe it was because he'd thought Cas was dead and that grief was still pulling him down, drowning him. Or maybe it was because there was an imminent threat just up those stairs and behind the metal door. He shook his head, pushing those negative thoughts to the back of his mind. He would deal with this issue later, first they had to survive the night.

Abruptly, Cas stopped, turning on the spot, eyes narrowed in concentration as his brows drew together. Neither Dean nor Sam said anything, not wanting to break whatever chain of thought the angel was on. Clearly, Cas knew what he was doing and in Dean's experience it was always best to leave him to it, unless his lack of patience outweighed his logic.

Slowly, the angel bent down, his tan trench coat tightening across his back, picking up a red leather book from the middle of the pile. When he straightened again, he thumbed through it, flipping the pages. Dean felt his heart thud in his chest as Cas came back towards them at the other end of the library. Stopping at the table, he allowed the book to drop with a loud thud, not helping Dean's heart at all. Immediately, Sam ran to the book and opened it, his eyes bugging at the prospect of research. Dean rolled his eyes. Even when they were probably minutes from attack, his brother still managed to get excited over a little research.

Sam did the same as Cas, thumbing through the pages, until he came to a stop. The book lay open flat as his brother's eyes scanned the page. “Cas?” Sam whispered, looking up to him with something that looked like pure horror.

Dean gulped past the lump in his throat. Sam had found out what the catch was. A big part of him wanted to know what was going on, wanted to know what they would have to sacrifice in order to do the spell. But a bigger part of him didn't want to know, so he stayed quiet.

Cas eyed Sam with deep depression and sighed. “I know.”

Sam looked at Dean, the terror still clear as day. Dean took a step towards them, questioning him without words. “A life is needed, Dean.”

There was no time to process his words. A loud explosion rang out, vibrating off the walls, ringing through his ears. Metal shards tumbled into the map room, as he placed his hands over his ears. His eyes scanned Sam and he noticed he was doing the same. Cas merely stood and watched, fear etched across his features.

The creatures was here.

The explosion seemed to last for far too long, but in reality it only lasted a few minutes. The smell of burning metal reached Dean's nostrils as he dived for the gun under the table. Logic told him that this gun would be no good against what was coming, but it felt right and safe to be holding a weapon in his sweaty hands. When he looked back up, clocking the trigger, he noticed Sam was also holding a weapon at arms reach, and Cas held his angel blade. All three of them were ready for a fight.

With his heart in his throat and his eyes scanning the entrance to the bunker, the silence was deafening after the explosion. There was no footsteps, no words, nothing. An uneasy feeling trembled through his stomach. Something wasn't right. If it had made it through the warding, then where was it? Why isn't it attacking?

Cas looked over his shoulder at Dean, their eyes locked. And Dean knew. He knew that whatever Cas was planning meant he was going to lose him for good, he could see the 'goodbye' and the 'I love you' written across his face. Dean wanted to scream at him, beg him not to do anything stupid, but just as he opened his mouth, a whistle rang through the bunker, loud and high-pitched, singing a tune that he didn't recognise.

He snapped his head back to the entrance, his body tense, his grip tightening on the gun. Even though he was watching for the threat, he made sure to keep watch over Cas out of the corner of his eye. The words that Sam had spoken just before the explosion echoed through his mind. If Cas was going to try and sacrifice himself, then Dean would make sure he was there to stop him. He was not going to lose him again.

The whistle kept up its tune, but nothing else could be heard. Dean debated with himself. Should he go and investigate? Or should he stay here and wait for that thing to come to them? He looked at his brother, only to discover he was also having the same debate, he could see it in the way he was twitching his arms, shuffling his feet.

In the end, the decision was taken out of both their hands.

One minute, he was pointing a gun towards the map room and the next it was flung from his clutches, hitting the far wall with a clang of metal. Nobody had time to react to this as he was suddenly gripped from behind, an ice-cold hand circling his throat, putting pressure there with its fingertips, almost choking him.

He gasped at the contact and instinct made him squirm. He could feel the panic start to swell within. As a hunter, getting caught like this was bad news. And this creature was more powerful than anything they've come across to date. There wasn't enough time to break free of the hold, for an arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him in tight. He could feel a cold breath, breathing against his ear, sending a shiver down his spine and goosebumps across his skin.

The smell wasn't like anything he'd ever smelt before. It smelt of rotting flesh, fire, dirty water and smelly socks all rolled into one. He fought the urge to gag as it hit his nose. Instead, he closed his eyes and clamped his mouth shut, trying to hold the stench off. When he felt brave enough to open his eyes again, the first thing he noticed was his brother pointing the gun towards them. The sight of it sent a small sliver of hope running through him, but he pushed it away. The gun would be useless. It would probably kill him long before it did any damage to this creature.

He flicked his eyes to the angel and stifled his gasp. Cas was standing with wide, terror-filled eyes, his angel blade now on the table as he held out his hands with a surrendering gesture. He was giving himself up to save him. Dean wouldn't allow that. He wanted to shout at him, to tell him not to do this. But the grip on his neck increased its pressure, making it near impossible to utter a single sound. Dean was sure there were bruises forming at the pressure-points, but he didn't care. All he could think about was the panic twisting around his guts.

A deep, rolling laugh sounded in his ear, making him shiver again. It was the complete opposite of the whistle, which was surprising. The creatures laugh wasn't a victory laugh, it wasn't a humorous laugh. It was more like a 'here we are again' laugh. Cas seemed to have caught on to that as well, frowning, his lips pressed tightly together and head cocked. It was clear to everyone that Dean was the hostage, probably because of his connection with Cas. In that moment, for the first time since they had started a relationship, regret filled him. If he had been strong enough, brave enough, to resist, perhaps they wouldn't be here now. Perhaps there would be no hostage and they would have a fair shot at the creature. But even as he thought it, he pressed the thought back, because no matter what, he will never regret the time they had shared together, whether that be with his death, Cas's or his brothers. He would never take any of it back.

Cas took a step towards them, eyes flaring dangerously as the grip around Dean's neck tightened. He tried to gasp, tried to wiggle away, but the hold on him was unyielding. He tried to imagine what this creature's next move would be, tried to picture it. This thing had one goal and that was to kill Cas. How could he prevent this from happening? How was it going to move forward with its plans while holding Dean hostage? His brain worked furiously, trying to figure out a way out of this, but it came up blank. The pressure increased, forming bruises across his neck, across his ribs. If the hold around his middle got any tighter, he was sure a couple of ribs might snap.

“You want me,” Cas said, his voice full of his angelic power, dangerously so. “I'm here. You want to kill me, then let Dean Winchester go and you can have me.”

The creature let out another deep laugh, full of humour at these words. Terror flooded Dean at the sound. Cas was trying to give himself over and that in itself was enough to send him into a panic. But there was something else, something that didn't feel quite right. He worked his brain again as he listened to the laugh close to his ear, feeling the cold breath tickle the lobe, the rankness of it almost making him gag again. The creature, the shadow or whatever it was, stopped abruptly, leaning in close to Dean's neck. His heart froze in his chest as he waited to see what his next move would be, what answer he would have for the angel across the room.

Startling him, he felt a cold wet sensation against his skin, sliding its way up from the bottom, all the way to his jaw bone. He knew what it was, knew that it was a wet tongue, tasting him. The why escaped him, though, as a shudder ran the length of his spine, a sickening feeling fell into the pit of his stomach. The tongue was wet, but rough, scaled almost. Dean whooshed out a harsh breath, trying desperately to get himself under control. He was needed to fight this thing, and if he lost his control, gave into the urge to let the vileness of this situation overcome him, he would be of no use to anyone.

“Hmm...” The creature's lips vibrated against his skin. Dean caught sight of Cas who had now narrowed his eyes, his fists clenching at his sides. It was like he was trying to hold back his possessiveness over Dean. Dean could see the fight in him, could see it had taken great strength for him not to attack, to pull Dean away from this revolting thing. If it had been Dean, he would have already given into that fight, causing chaos in its wake. He admired the angel in that moment, his heart thumped again with the relief that Cas was able to hold himself back… for now. Who knew what would happen if Cas had sprung on the Shadow in that moment.

“Castiel, angel of the Lord. I have been waiting for this moment.” The Shadow's voice sounded like a snake, raspy and sly, a hiss almost, sending another shiver through Dean. Its lips were still connected to his skin and he wanted nothing more than to pull away from it. He held himself still, somehow, breathing heavily, waiting.

Cas spread his arms wide. “I'm here. Kill me if you must, just leave Dean be.”

Dean felt the head snap up and he knew the creature was glaring in Cas's direction. The pressure on his neck decreased slightly and Dean knew what needed to happen. He tried to catch the angel's eye, tried to pass on the message – distract the Shadow enough, get his grip to slacken and Dean might have a chance of breaking free. But Cas kept his steady gaze upon the creature behind him. He looked towards his brother, trying to catch his eyes instead. Their eyes locked and Sam barely nodded his acknowledgement of what Dean was trying to say. The reprieve he felt at this didn't last long.

“I'm not here to simply kill you, Castiel, angel of the Lord.” The voice was now mocking, as though he knew a great secret that the angel didn't know.

“If you're not here to kill me, what are you here for?” Cas asked, his voice full of curiosity and confusion as he cocked his head and frowned. Dean almost burst out laughing at the sight, it was so familiar, so Cas, it didn't seem to belong there in that moment.

The grip tightened again on his neck as its head bent once more, sniffing at his skin, inhaling Dean's scent. “I'm here to destroy you,” it snarled as it looked up again.

Dean clenched his fists at his sides, just as Cas had done before him. Aggravating this thing wasn't a good idea. They didn't know what it was capable of, didn't know what power it held or how strong it was. The best thing would be for him to stay quiet. But he couldn't hold back his own question that was fighting its way off his tongue. “What's the difference?” he croaked out. He mentally punched himself. He'd meant for it to sound confident, but it came out weak, holding none of his bravado. Thankfully the creature ignored him. Whether that was because he didn't have an answer or whether it was because he didn't see Dean worthy of an answer, he instead addressed Cas.

“I have learnt many things about you. I admit, my first initial goal was to simply kill you and leave, work done. But… now there are better ways to get my revenge on you. You will loathe the day you had awakened me, Castiel, angel of the Lord.”

Dean knew where this was leading, knew that this thing wasn't going to just kill Cas, but make him suffer first, make him live with his choices. The best way to do that was through him. A new determination set itself firmly within as the images of what would happen to Cas if he died here and now flew past his vision. Cas would never forgive himself, would never get over it, move on. He would spiral into a fit of despair and nothing would pull him free, nothing except Dean himself. Knowing this made the determination grip harder inside of him. He would never allow Cas to feel the guilt and the shame of what he would assume he had caused, not if he could do something about it.

Closing his eyes, he took in a deep breath, trying to will himself into calmness. He needed to be calm, needed to free his mind of all thoughts and fears, in order to break free of the creatures clutches. There was no way he was going to allow Cas, the love of his life, to feel anything close to what he had felt when he had thought the angel had died, barely an hour ago.

When he opened his eyes again, a new resolve settled over him, locking his green eyes to blue. Cas had noticed the shift in Dean and fear flared behind his eyes. He knew Dean was going to do something stupid, but he also knew that he wasn't going to talk Dean out of it. The best play was to back his play. Cas offered a tilt of his head, an acknowledgement of Dean's stupidity. Glancing at his brother, he could also see the same understanding and fear behind his eyes. He could tell his brother was planning on arguing, opening and closing his mouth like a fish, but no words formed. Dean wondered idly if it was because he didn't want to give anything away, or was it simply because he had no idea how to change his brother's mind? What words could he offer? This was for Cas, this was going to save his lover's life and Sam knew this.

Once more, he closed his eyes, willing the strength to come forward. He could do this, he thought to himself. Opening them again, he noticed Cas had sneakily gotten hold of his angel blade, ready for the inevitable attack.

He caught Cas's eyes. This was it. He would either survive or die by doing this. But it was the only way. This creature wasn't concentrating on its hostage, it had only eyes for Cas. Both the angel and his brother were being watched too closely, which made this Dean's problem. The only way to get an upper hand was for a surprise attack. Dean had no idea what attack he would go with, he couldn't really think of anything that would ensure he would live, something had to be done, though. And soon. His chances of dying was far too much, but he made peace with it fairly quickly. If there was something worth dying for, it was to save Cas's life.

Of course, he would do everything in his power not to die. It was a hard decision really. Either he dies trying to save the angel, or he dies standing there, doing nothing. Either way, Cas would blame himself. However, he would blame himself less if Dean had made the fatal decision. A phrase he hated more than anything came to mind, but it was utterly fitting for this moment, this decision – _Pick the lesser of two evils. _

And he did.

Cas's eyes blew wide, mouth parting, a shout coming forth. But Dean was already moving, twisting in the Shadows hold, arms coming up as the hand around his throat lost its grip. He punched the thing across the face, barely registering the crunch of knuckles as it made contact. Instead he forced his mind to focus. The Shadow's eyes flared dangerously, annoyed at the sudden turn of events. That's when Dean's knee came up, sinking into the flesh of its stomach. The grip around his waist dropped. He was free. There was no time to revel in the relief of it as a shot of brown came across his vision.

Dean stumbled back, his eyes growing wide as Cas's arm came down in an arc, angle blade pointing down towards the creature. He wanted to yell, wanted to scream, because surely it wouldn't be that easy. He couldn't do anything, though, frozen to the spot as he watched as if in slow motion. An arm shot out grabbing the end of the blade, stopping the stabbing motion.

A pull on his shoulder alerted him to his brother, shouting at him. He couldn't hear anything beyond the grunts and heavy breathing that now lay behind him. Cas was stuck in a battle with a being more powerful than him. He needed to help, needed to save him, to kill this thing.

Then the words of his brother pierced through the fog. Something about a spell, a sigil. It all came back in a rush. That was how they were going to help Cas, by sending the bastard back where it came from and keeping it there.

He nodded his understanding at his brother, and followed him through the bunker to the store room and grabbing all the ingredients that they needed.

The entire time, he cleared his mind, cleared the doubts that swam through him. He managed to push the fear for Cas away, he managed to push his anger and frustration away. The only thing that wouldn't loosen its grip on him was Sam's words. They echoed and bounced, the whole time he went about preparing the spell.

_A life is needed, Dean._


End file.
